Post # 1
I need some advice. I moved away (to another state) from where I lived my entire life-minus college-two years ago with my boyfriend, who is now my fiance. I had a core group of friends there that I’ve known for more than 17 years. When we go engaged last August I happily asked 2 of these friends to be in the wedding (one as a bridesmaid, one as my maid of honor) and they gladly accepted.
In the planning process we (my fiancé and I) realized that getting married where we use to live was going to be way more expensive than having the wedding where we live now. We decided to have the wedding here. Two of my bridesmaids, my fiances’ sisters, who also live where we use to live, understood and said no problem. The two long-time friends were not so warm and receptive to the idea. They both have kids and I can totally understand traveling 6 hours (by car-1 by plane) is an unexpected hardship. I offered repeatedly to hire a babysitter/nanny to watch their kids during the reception at the hotel, but they declined.This-the wedding being here not there-became a source of difficulty for almost every bridal activity. They did not help out at all for my bridal shower-my aunts and Mom did (and paid for) everything. I had no bachelorette party because they did not want to spend the money to go somewhere and then spend it again to come down here for the wedding-they actually told me that. All of these things I just let go, because that is #1, just how I am and #2, just how they have always been and I was aware of that.
However, this past week I sent an e-mail to all of the bridesmaids with some preliminary wedding details, including rehearsal times, hair and make-up lady, etc., (our wedding is at the end of the month) and I received this e-mail back from the Maid/Matron of Honor: Glad plans are coming together. XXXX and I are leaving at the crack of dawn Saturday morning–so we will miss rehearsal. I’m sure someone can brief us before we head down the aisle! We will head straight to the hotel, get dressed and find you to go to the church. Let us know if you need us to do anything specific.
I really can’t tell you how much that hurt me. They are missing the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner?? How can you even consider yourself part of the wedding?? I have, after much soul searching, decided that I want to tell them not to come, that they have made it quite obvious that they really just don’t care about me or being in our wedding. But, I need some advice on how to tell them without sounding like a horrible person and without, if it’s possible, throwing these friendships out the window. I welcome any advice anyone may have. Thank you.
Post # 3
Sorry to hear that things have come to this point – it must be very disappointing! If you are concerned about throwing the relationships out the window, you may want to rethink "dismissing" your maids. What may be helpful would be to call each of them and explain that you know the change in location was not easy for them and that you appreciate them still supporting you, but are concerned about them missing the rehearsal and that you were hoping to spend some time with them before the big day. (Not sure what time you’re getting married, but there may not be time on the day to hold a briefing/second rehearsal). Tell them you know it is disruptive to their lives for them to travel and ask if there is anything you can do to make things easier/make it possible for them to attend the rehearsal. If you get a lot of pushback or lame excuses, perhaps then would be a good time to offer them a graceful exit, but make sure the choice is theirs, otherwise, the relationship may not survive.
Post # 4
LynzNC — I feel for you. I almost kicked out my maid of honor a two and 1/2 weeks before the wedding (my wedding is next saturday). It is a very long story, but the short of it is that after a string of confusing and rude actions by my moh ane email she sent me made me want to fire her.
I read the email and cried for 30 minutes, then I went to the gym and worked out. I decided to fire her (and her husband who is one of the groomsmen) as soon as I got home. Just as I got in the car she called. We had a VERY long talk. I did most of the talking — I explained everything she had said/done to upset me, I explained how she’d made me cry on several occasions, I explained that I though as my moh she wanted to be a part of my wedding, I explained how if she did not want to be a part of my wedding then now would be the time for her to tell me so I could prepare to have 3 instead of 4 bm’s. She cried and begged me not to drop her — she apologized and tried to explain. I told her that I didn’t want to hear her excuses for what had already been done, I just needed to know that she would be there for me for all of the prewedding activities and the wedding. She promised me that she would stop being selfish (this is a much longer story, just trying to cut out all of the drama) and focus on the fact that this is my special day that will only happen once. I then told her that I had already asked another bm to do the toast at the wedding — and she was happy to give this up (one less thing to worry about), and she promised me she would call me the next time she stressed out about something ratheer than just not doing it. I then told her that she needed to call my other bm’s and apologize to them as well, because they had been picking up her slack. When all was said and done, we both had a good cry. Yesterday I went to her house and we spent the whole day making the wedding favors and we had a good hug.
I’m glad we talked and I didn’t just kick her out, but I was ready to and I let her know it.
If you want SOME details on the drama, click here.
Post # 5
Miss M-Thanks for your comments. I actually did call her and say that I was really concerned about her making it on time if they left that morning and how very sad I was that they would miss all of the pre-wedding activities. Her response was that she has contemplated pulling out of the wedding for several months but something keeps stopping her, and she then went on to say not to worry, they would be there. I just can’t stop thinking, what in the world will your speech be like? How am I suppose to not "worry"?
Post # 6
If you "kick her out" it will really be bad for your relationship. I think you need to just let it go and be glad she can be there the day of. Don’t let it ruin your day, and just focus on the good things. You need to focus on the rest of your life and stil wantingt o maintain a friendship with her after 17 years. Don’t let your hurt at the wedding day destroy the friendship. Believe me when the day comes, it won’t be the end of the world that she’s not at the rehearsal.
By The Way i really dont understand the concept of "firing" your Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or Best Man. In my mind, they are goind US a favor by being in our weddings, and not vice versa. Its a lot of work and a lot of time for very little in return, other than wearing an expensive dress and having to be at the bride’s beck and call.
Post # 7
it’s probably true that the wedding will not run as smoothly if not everyone got the rehearsal, but I’d advise you to try to shrug it off. You can never expect people, espcially those who are juggling children and travel to prioritize your wedding the same way you do, and it’s just not worth the emotional energy to worry about it.
Post # 8
I would also add that there is probably no way to dismiss them without irreparably damaging the friendship. It’s true in all relationships that there isn’t a whole lot you can do to change people,and you’re better off just adjusting your expectations and taking or leaving people as they are.
Post # 9
I understand that you’re frustrated, LynzNC. However, I think that you need to seriously consider the outcome of asking your friend not to come to your wedding. As the other posters have mentioned, you could do some serious damage to your relationship. Is it really worth losing a longtime friend over a one-day celebration?
I think all brides – myself included – need to remember that our weddings are not the first priority in everyone’s lives. Sure, they’re important – but the world does not stand still because you’re getting married. If your friend is having money problems, she’s probably giving up more than you realize to buy a dress, pay for gas or a plane ticket, get a hotel room, etc. I’m speaking from experience here – I was a bridesmaid recently, and was surprised how my friend expected us to drop everything – repeatedly – for her wedding. I’ve kept that experience in mind now that I’m planning my own wedding.
Sorry for the tough love, but I think you need to step back, take a deep breath, and ask yourself what’s really going to be important when your wedding is over.
Post # 10
I am so sorry this happened to you. I think it is easy for us to say you should shrug it off and move on but there is obviously a context in which all of this is occuring that we are not aware of in the same way that you are.
I think that asking these BMs to step down will cause damage to the relationship but it seems like the relationship has already been damaged, rightly or wrongly, by their behavior and your feelings about it. So, asking them to step down will not make things better but maybe at this point, you don’t want anything to be better, I don’t know.
My advice would be to try and envision yourself 10, 20, 30 years down the road. What can you do that you think you can be proud of looking back on it. What can you do that you can stand behind once the wedding is over?
I was married in May and while it may have been selfish, the month before the wedding I did not think of one thing besides the wedding. Everything I did or said was filtered through the impending big day, which really clouded my judgement at times.
I think, even if you might be justified in asking these ladies to step down, you might look back on it and regret it.
So, I would say this. Try and make sure your decision will stand your own personal test of time and try to realize that everything is getting filtered through this wedding induced craze. What seems like a jusitifed or good idea now might not seem like such a good idea after the wedding. But, then again, it might. It’s all up to you.
Post # 11
And what might need to become it’s own post…on the issue of asking attendants to step down. It is a very touchy subject, obviously. But, I don’t think that it is always wrong to fire an attendant, even if they are doing us a "favor."I have been a Bridesmaid or Best Man several times and did not once even think of it as being a favor or as getting very little in return and I did not feel like I was at the beck and call of anyone.
The whole point of having attendants, IMO, is to have those closest to you support you on your big day. Admittedly, this gets out of hand sometimes with multiple showers, bachelorette weekends, etc. but at the heart of the issue is that a bride wants those closests to her supporting her during the engagement and at the wedding.
The attendants should be very good friends of family members of the bride. So, while the role of Bridesmaid or Best Man or Maid/Matron of Honor might be fairly one sided with the amount of energy, work and money required, the friendship that exists outside of the bride-attendant relationship is still reciprocal. I went out of my way to let my attendants know during the engagement, the wedding and now after the wedding that I appreciate them, their friendship and who they are more that anything.
If the bride is being reasonable (and of course, what is considered reasonable is subjective) and the MOH/BM is not supportive or can at least act supportive there is no reason she should still stand up for you. No "favor" is worth a negative attitude, a whole bunch of drama or whatever other problems people encounter. Just know that asking an attendant to step down will negatively impact the friendship. But with some of the stories I have heard, the friendship is already over anyway.
Post # 12
Please relax! As most of us, we have all had the same issues. We have been brides maids and Maids of Honor. Now you are the bride. Here is the hard cold facts of life. Time passes. Life happens. What was important to each of us and our friends throught childhood and growing up together does not stay with us. We have great times to cherish and this is the plus of having terrific friends. BUT…life happens. We go our different ways and have different priorities. It is sad that your (2) friends could not be open with you. They should have told you this sooner, "months ago" as one put it. It is not fair to you as the BRIDE, but at the same time, it is not fair to them. They have children and God knows what other priorities. Please do not hold this against them…at least not yet. Just keep talking to them openly. It is sweet that you offered to pay for childcare. But if they do not havee the money, time or understanding of helping, than you have to accept it and be happy. DO NOT expect them to be as they were when you all were children and teenagers. And if they do come, don’t expect them to be at the rehearsal, etc. And be HAPPY!!!! It will all be fine. Just be happy!
One of my friends was angry at me. I was one of her bride’s maids. The morning of the rehearsal, I got the flu…and all the awful effects of it. Went to the hospital. She phoned me crying. (We grew up together and by this time, we were sophomores in College.) I was shocked…while my head pounded and I was vomitting.
I had to show the next day for the wedding (with a fever and against the doc’s orders). If I did not, I knew she would not speak to me.
Being dumb, I went. Then I left 20 min. into the reception. She balled her eyes out in front of everyone. Was rediculous and selfish. And she did not speak to me for 4 yrs. Then she phoned one day and apologized.
Now it is my turn. But everyone else had children by this time. So, no worries for me. If they can come, great! If not, I don’t care. Life is too short to be upset over silly things. And weddings can make everyone way too sensitive. It is your wedding day and you have the love of your life! Enjoy him and think only of him…and not everyone else.
SMILE, you are getting married!!!!!!
Best to you and your honey!
Post # 13
I have to chime in and say that you can in fact dismiss a Bridesmaid or Best Man with out damaging the relationship permamanantly.
I dissmiss a friend who acted a lot like the ones you are wanting to dismiss. While for a few months we were not talking, things eventually blew over. I have now some new issues with her, which are not to the point…the fact she’s a horrible person who makes poor decisions has not changed – but we are able to hang out and what not as long as I can overlook that. It’s not something I can change.
I had known this girl for 17 years as well, and found that as I grew up, we grew apart. What once was so very important to the both of us, no longer was and she was more concered with herself and money then being there for me on my big day. My input is that if you are going to dismiss them, eventually you would see that they wern’t the same friends you once knew and things changed. In then end maybe you need time apart.
I would explain this to them, tell them excatly that you are upset and hurt and why. Let them know you’re not in need of them being in the wedding since they are obviously preoccupied. Tell them the rehersal was not an option, nor was anything else you decided on. It was mandatory.
I think that the e-mail was horrible and rude of them. Boot them.
Post # 14
I just wanted to say that maybe when they agreed to be in the wedding they probably thought it would be in your hometown? Which would have been a lot easier on them. When you have kids, its a lot harder to fly or drive 6 hours away for a whole weekend than when you are single. They are at least making the effort to be there and be in the wedding. You probably should have discussed all the pre-wedding events and the getting ready schedule beforehand, so they could plan accordingly, not a month before. If they had to make reservations, they probably already did so. You cannot call them less than a month before the wedding and tell them not to come just because they are coming later than you’d like and expect to continue the friendship. Yeah, its annoying and somewhat rude, but these things shoudl have been discussed a long long time ago. And really, its not hard to walk down the aisle. I wouldn’t worry about anything going wrong becuas ethey missed the rehearsal.
Post # 15
IMO, dismissing them is to invite more drama. They might not be the kind of friends you hoped for, but they are driving 12 hours for your wedding and probably also bought a dress. When they accepted the role, they didn’t realize the travel involved, and are clearly upset about that.
If you are set on dismissing them, I don’t see how you can salvage the friendships. I think that would make them probably no more than acquaintances, at best, in the future. If you are ok with that, and really don’t want them around, tell them you think it became more of an inconvenience than you realized, it is in everyone’s best interest for them to save the trip, and you hope there are no hard feelings. (If they already spent $$ on a dress and hotels etc. this could be a tough sell!!!)
Post # 16
LynzNC hang in there! I read earlier where your Maid/Matron of Honor told you she has thought about stepping down. It sounds like you both may be thinking the same thing just that neither one of you wants to be the "bad guy". Call her. Tell her how she has made you feel. Tell her you remember her saying she has thought about stepping down. Ask her if she would like to step down as you need your Maid/Matron of Honor there for ALL of the events. Tell her you would still like her to come to the wedding but that you would like to designate someone else to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. You deserve to have happy people supporting you every step of the way. Yes, it may be seen as a "favor" to be a Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or Best Man but it is also an honor. If she stays your Maid/Matron of Honor your friendship may fade anyway as she does not seem committed to making it work. You deserve more than she is giving you.