(Closed) Bad bridesmaid. Tell me I'm not crazy please read

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 4
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

1)  It’s really, really hard to read your post.  

2)  Chill out.  As long as she shows up at the wedding, she’s doing what she’s supposed to do.  It’s not a job.  My guess is she knew you’d react exactly like you’re reacting, so she chose to say she was coming and cancel last minute so you would have less time to be mad at her.

Post # 5
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@caseybop1:  Please keep in mind that the only true obligation of your bridesmaids is to show up and support you on the day of your wedding.  Does it suck that she couldn’t make it to your bachelorette party and your bridal shower?  Yep!  You can’t dictate what your BMs spend their money on leading up to your wedding.  You specified that they were both pretty decent trips, so I totally understand them not being able to make it.  As far as her attending her friend’s wedding instead of your bridal shower?  I’m sorry, but weddings always trump showers.

I had my best friend bail on my engagement party, bridal shower, and bachelorette party.  She bailed on all three about two days before hand.  Was I frustrated?  Of course!  But I understood.  She was there for me on my wedding day and that’s all that mattered.

Post # 6
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I did my best to make sense of the post, but I don’t really know what to say. 

It stinks that she is behaving this way, but it sounds like that’s how she has behaved in general for quite some time.  I think it’s unrealistic to have hoped that she would have changed how she is when she was asked to be a bridesmaid. 

I view it like dating the jerky guy who cheats on all of his girlfriends and treats them like crap – but hoping you can change him. 

I’m sorry that this is going on, but I guess I’m surprised that you’re surprised 🙁

Do you really think that she cares enough about being a Bridesmaid or Best Man to create drama if you asked her to step down?

Post # 7
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m a firm believer that the only thing a bridesmaid is obligated to do is stand beside you on your wedding day and support you for that one day.  A close and devoted friend will typically want to be more involved but it sounds like this girl gave you no reason to believe she was either close or devoted to you.  So as long as she stands up at your wedding she’s done her job, albeit the bare minimum.

It sounds like she’s out of state.  I asked one close friend from elementary school to be a bridesmaid but she lives out of state so I told her she doesn’t have to come to anything but the wedding (which she’d have done anyway).  I don’t want her blowing money on plane tickets to go to a shower.  I think your BM’s big mistake was telling you she’d be there when she obviously (and justifiably) didn’t want to go.  She found a good excuse and took it but honestly no matter how close I was to the girl I wouldn’t travel for a bridal shower.

Post # 8
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

It sounds to me like this didn’t exactly come as a surprise. You knew she was selfish before you even asked her, and went ahead and asked her anyway. In my opinion, you can’t really be upset about her behavior, now. 

She’s not exactly being the best bridesmaid out there, but her only responsibility is to stand up with you at your wedding. You can’t really blame her for not making two expensive trips to attend wedding festivities, especially if she is a) selfish and b) not doing so well financially (which you may or may not know about). 

Also, I wouldn’t be furious that she didn’t ask you about your bachelorette when you guys were talking on the phone…she likely feels really bad that she couldn’t make it, so she wanted to avoid the awkwardness of bringing it up. I don’t think this is something that you can legitimately fault her for.

I don’t want to sound insensitive or uncaring or anything, because I truly do feel for you on this one…but, I mean, weddings are not as important to everyone as they are to the bride. It’s not like she bailed on the ceremony, just the pre wedding events which require travel, so that’s pretty reasonable in my book, especially considering that you knew her personality long before your wedding was planned. 


Post # 9
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Just think long and hard about whether you want to sever the friendship altogether, based on these few events….I’d keep her in your bridal party, and see where things stand after the wedding.

Post # 10
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you are overreacting.  A wedding is more important than your bridal shower. 

Post # 11
8695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I guess I would be a LITTLE upset but not really.

she is no different than how you KNEW she was BEFORE you asked her. What did you really expect?! A grown person doesnt change overnight regardless of the situation. She already seemed self-absorbed and it isnt her wedding it is yours.

Bachelorette in Vegas…a lot of people hate the big bachelorette parties so you need to chill out and who cares if she doesnt ask. My bachelorette will be next month in Jamaica and not all my bridesmaids are going and I’m 100% ok with that.

Bridal shower…not an obligation either. She has a wedding to go to. She needs to show up, on time, and in her outfit for your wedding and that’s it. From your description of how she has been for years (and you have never told her about herself) I wouldnt expect anything more out of her.

Post # 12
4523 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You shot yourself in the foot when you asked her, knowing that you feel she is selfish.

I’m also in the “all-you-have-do-to-is-stand-next-to-me” camp, but thanks to movies and opinion articles floating around the internet, there is a misconception that bridesmaids are obligated to plan parties for you the year up to your wedding, and are additionally expected to bend over backwards to make every single event for fear they are labeled a bad bridesmaid.

I don’t like to call people crazy that I do not personally know, but I do feel you getting mad at her for not texting or calling to ask you how a trip went is kind of ridiculous. You indicated you feel she doesnt care…and she probably doesnt. I turn down every offer to be a in a wedding because I know I’ll be strong-armed into pretending I give a shit when I, frankly, do not.

I agree with PP who said she waited to tell you because she might have known you’d react this way.


Post # 13
46680 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If she always behaves like this, why are you surprised?

And why  would you expect anything different?

Make a conscious decision to move on and not let her cause you distress.

Post # 14
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I guess I don’t get the outrage. She’s not required to travel for your bachelorette party or bridal shower, she’s only expected to show up and stand next to you on the day of your wedding. It sounds like she’s a mediocre friend, but you knew this and still asked her to be a bridesmaid, so that’s on you. Honestly, some people just don’t like or care about weddings, I don’t see why you are annoyed that she’s not always texting you to ask about the wedding. She could think you are being an equally bad friend if all you ever do it contact her about coming to events realted to your wedding.

Post # 15
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Take a deep breath and have a seat. Your wedding is one day. As long as she attends that one day, looks presentable, and doesn’t act like a total diva, she has done her job as a bridesmaid. You need to chill out and let go of your expectations because they are only bringing you stress and unhappiness.

Post # 16
2437 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@caseybop1:  I understand your upset and I’m sorry you are, but your wedding is one day. Some of my BMs didnt make all my events, and it didn’t bother me. I realized my wedding events were not the top of their priorities, and i was ok with that.  my wedding day came and everyone was there, they went above and beyond their duties :). Try to just focus on the people who are there and enjoy yourself :).


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