(Closed) Bad communication or unhealthy union? I'm sad and confused.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Oh man, that sounds upsetting! I was keeping an open mind until: “Depends on how often I can endure this.” What a heinous thing to say! It sounds like you’re putting a lot more into this relationship than he is. 

Moving in together is a mutual decision. He shouldn’t be using it as leverage to try to change your behavior.  He’s basically saying: “If you’re really good and don’t annoy me, I’ll consider letting you move in.” That’s patronizing and disrespectful. 

If I were you, I would plan on moving forward under the assumption that you will be living on your own if you decide to relocate to the city. If he does whip himself into shape and start communicating better about moving in, then you will have that as an option, but if he continues to stonewall you, you will be ready to start your program on your own!

Post # 3
325 posts
Helper bee

My 100% honest opinion?

Worst case scenario: he’s stringing you along to see if something better will come along. Best case scenario: he’s just not interested in (or is terrified of) anything serious right now. At the very least, he doesn’t sound like he treats you very well or is putting as much effort into this as you are. I wouldn’t uproot my entire life to be with someone who makes comments like “I just want to see what each day brings.” Sorry bee. 🙁

Post # 4
2530 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If he is unwilling to make plans for the weekend then what’s he going to be like making plans for the future?


My suggestion to you would be to back off slightly. Don’t ask him about the weekend plans. If someone else asks you to do something before he has asked you to do something then go and do it, don’t wait around in case he is free.

When Darling Husband and I were dating we would only see each other at weekends but we both knew unless one of us had plans we would spend either Saturday or Sunday together. I think your Boyfriend or Best Friend needs to pull his finger out. 

Post # 5
815 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

This sounds sketchy– I think you both have very different needs and expectations when it comes to significant others. And saying he has to “endure” your behavior is a major red flag to me. The only thing you should have to “endure” as a couple is a hardship that you face together, not each others’ natural behaviors.

Post # 7
4242 posts
Honey bee

Sounds like he’s not that into the relationship, is content at keeping you at arms length and the thought of actual plans coming together where you would be living together and having a relationship 24/7 instead of on the weekends is causing him panic. Probably why he is also unwilling to discuss the relationship- he’s not as invested as you so it’s an annoyance. 

Post # 8
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Greenspot Farms

Your boyfriend sounds annoying. Who goes a few months without discussion. Tell this idiot goodbye and find someone better worth your time. You sound awesome, mature, and rational. You sound like your ready for an adult relationship and this dude sounds like a 14 year old boy who can’t communicate.

Post # 9
4092 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I wish you could see the face I was making as I was reading your post. Why in the world are you subjecting yourself to this? Relationships are supposed to lift you up and be affirming. Not confuse you and stress you out. Date like you’re a hot commodity, not like you have to take the dregs of the men in the world. He sounds like he has no idea what he wants out of life or out of a relationship or anything. Like he’s just floating along seeing what the next best thing will be. Find a man who makes you a priority. 

Post # 10
3483 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Wow my ex was EXACTLY the same way! Crazy similarities there. Honestly, I think that your issues here are due to his personality. He’s introverted and has a hard time opening up and talking about things, as well as empathizing with you. I do not think this has anything to do with his love for you or the relationship. But that’s who he is. When my ex and I broke up, I told him I really hope that some day there’s a girl out there who he thinks is worth opening up to. But I couldn’t do it anymore.

I think it’s completely ridiculous that when you tell him how you feel, he gets angry. He’s being defensive and that’s understandable I guess but he’s a grown man in a mature relationship and that’s completely inappropriate! 

From everything you’ve said, you are an amazing girlfriend. You are a smart communicator and dedicate so much to the relationship. Please don’t spend any more time with a guy who can’t do the same for you. Again, I don’t think it’s his fault. That’s who he is. But you deserve someone who makes you happy all the time. Your boyfriend has blatantly told you he won’t talk about things. It’s like he’s waving a red flag in your face. 🙁

That PhD opportunity is amazing. But don’t move in with him. Don’t waste your time focusing on the fact that technically he said he wants to. It won’t end well, there’s no way! You’ll be crying every night while he locks himself away in the bedroom. It’s not good. This guy refuses to talk about things and it doesn’t matter why. He is 100% incapable of having a healthy relationship and you would be way better off single than stressing out over whether or not you’ll get together over the weekend.

There is a guy out there who will burst with joy at the opportunity to move in with you. A guy who will be willing to compromise and talk about his feelings and do anything he can to spend every second with you. There’s tons of them. Please get out of this bad relationship.

Good luck, girl. You really do deserve so much better.

Post # 11
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

UGH. This is sad. And reminds me A LOT of someone I dated for longer than I should have. Same comments about the weekend – I’ll see, Maybe, I don’t know yet, I’ll let you know always made me feel like 2nd fiddle. I always felt like a burden. And he would do it to always have the power in the relationship. this along with MANY other factors – not being affectionate, emotionally very cold, shutting down when he decided he had enough forced me to end the relationship. 

It all depends on what you feel you deserve, OP. most likely, he will not change. Will you be able to accept this from your lifetime partner? 

Post # 12
2733 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I can’t give a solid answer because I don’t know the full dynamics of your relationship. I can say his comments about “enduring this” and needing time away from you (when you only see each other on the weekends!) are alarming.

However, it may just be that you aren’t compatible. You like definitive answers, talking things out, planning ahead, knowing the ‘who, what, when, where, and how’ of everything while he may be a more go with the flow kind of guy. I can be more like your Boyfriend or Best Friend – if someone asked me right now what I want to do this weekend I’d respond with “I have no idea. Depends on how I feel, how the rest of the week goes, what the weathers like…etc”. If someone kept badgering me, demanding an answer now, and questioning why I can’t give one right away, I’d be annoyed too. I’m just not one to make advanced plans, ever.

Now, it’s troubling that he’s 33 and is still looking to go to concerts and parties every weekend rather than settling down and hanging out with you. That doesn’t bode well for marriage and moving in together in the future. He may just enjoy being a bachelor and having a sometimes-weekend (if he feels like it) girlfriend is the perfect solution for him.

As it stands now, it just sounds like a compatibility issue to me.

Post # 13
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

So he can share his fears and feelings with you, but you can’t? 

To me, this is not my idea of a partnership. I would want to be with someone that values my input and beliefs, and we decide TOGETHER on big issues like moving in together, and on smaller issues, like plans on weekends. 

The “endure” comment made me sad. :/

Post # 14
5948 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

I would really take to heart the negative stuff he’s saying. I know he likely says he loves and wants a future, but he’s also saying things like, “depends how often I can endure this”. My husband still calls me his beautiful bride almost 2 years later. Several people have told me they can tell he loves me just be listening to what he says about me and how he acts around me. THAT’S the guy you want to marry.

Post # 15
2942 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Honestly, just reading that, I think your SO wants a girlfriend, and that is it.  Someone to hang out with and have fun with but not someone to huge life change for or a long term commitment with.  There are plenty of people like this, and they aren’t bad people.  If your goal is a big long term commitment, this is probably not the ideal guy. 

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