- 4 years ago
I just found this forum today and already spent a few hours reading and browsing. There’s so much good advice on here that I’ve decided to sign up and post my story. I really need some advice and I already want to thank everybody who takes time to read this and leaves a comment 🙂
I’m 31 and my SO is 33. We’re together for 1 year and 3 months and long distance (not THAT far away, but we can only see each other on the weekends). He says that I’m “The One” and he wants to be with me forever, but sometimes I wonder if he really means it. He hates talking about relationship issues and can’t stand when I tell him that something he said or did was upsetting me. Whenever I bring stuff up (I’m a very calm person by the way) it ends up with him being annoyed, getting angry, not giving clear answers and finally hanging up the phone/leaving the room when he decides he’s had enough.
Now, I know he’s not very affectionate. We cuddle, our sex life is good, his friends and family know me etc, but he doesn’t like holding hands or saying something nice (like a compliment). He never planned a date besides our first one and he doesn’t care about anniversaries, birthdays and days like Valentine’s Day, so we don’t really celebrate those (he gets me a present and we might go get some food on my birthday though). I know that’s who he is, so it’s not a big deal.
However, I have a hard time accepting (t)his cold behavior when it comes to a few things. When we’re on the phone and I ask about the weekend he always says he hasn’t given it much thought yet and he’ll just see what he wants to do as the week progresses.. When I ask him if he wants us to meet (I go to his place because I’m not living on my own plus his city is bigger and there’s more to do) he mostly says “As I said, I haven’t thought about it yet.” Most of the time, we do end up seeing each other on the weekends, but sometimes he makes it awkward by saying “If I have a busy week, I need time off from you so I can recharge.” I told him many times that if he wants to do something without me, he can just let me know, but he prefers to be annoyed and even mean to me sometimes. Yesterday I told him that it makes me sad when he says things like that because it sounds like he’s waiting for interesting stuff coming up for the weekend (he likes small concerts and parties) until he’s commiting to see me. He got really annoyed and I tried calming him down by asking how often he’d like me to come over and he just replied “I don’t know.. Depends on how often I can endure this.” He explains these sentences by being annoyed with me because I “always want to argue”. The truth is, I just want to know if he wants to see me or not and I have NO idea why he can’t just tell me. Instead he prefers to give short, unsatisfying answers like “I don’t know”, “Do you always need to discuss things?”, “I just want to see what each day brings”…
What really gets me is talking about the future though. He loves his city, has a great job there and often said that he wants to move in together and that he’d love for me to come to his city and live there with him. I still have a job here, but I recently decided to make a dream come true and get my PHD. As chance would have it, a professor at the university in my SO’s city would love to be my doctorate supervisor, so I asked my boyfriend if he still likes the idea of moving in together. He reacted very weird… He said he DEFINITELY wants to move in with me, but he’s afraid I want to discuss stuff every day, that he wants to move in with me, but thinks we should see if we can go for a few months without “discussion” first, that I could move in for a week, so we can see how it is… I told him that if he’s not sure yet he can just let me know. But he’s insisiting that he wasn’t giving me a “no”, he was just telling me what he’s afraid of… So of course I’m still not having my answer, but a boyfriend that gets mad everytime I bring up the question again. He doesn’t get that I just need a yes or no. If it’s a no, I can find my own space or whatever, but I absolutely HATE that he’s not having a real, mature conversation with me.
I’m sad that my questions get on his nerves so much and I’m almost afraid to bring stuff up because he’ll react so annoyed. Do you think I’m annoying? Is this just a communication issue? Or does he like the status quo and is just not inerested in our relationship progressing? I don’t want to pressure or annoy him, but I can’t help but feel like my feelings don’t matter and it raises a red flag that he’s so unwilling to talk about stuff that matters to me and not interested in solving conflicts. I hate the way he talks to me sometimes, it’s hurtful and disrespectful (“I don’t know how often I can endure it, I sometimes just need time away from you, so I can cope with everything.”). He doesn’t get it and think I’m nagging. He says he doesn’t have the nerves for any more stress and that I should live in the now. Keep in mind that he says that he wants to be with me forever all the time. I’m so confused.
Maybe I approach topics the wrong way and feel hurt when there’s no need to, but I also don’t think it’s weird that I want to have a clear answer to questions and the possibility to bring up stuff that hurt/upset me without him getting mad or rolling his eyes.
Sometimes I wonder if he even likes me or if he just enjoys our life as it is.. Me visiting him on the weekends (most of them) and putting every big step into the future (“We will move in together, I just can’t give you a date yet”…).
What do you think?
- This topic was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by misskauai.