Post # 181
I honestly think he isn’t much of a planner and every time you seek validation from him he sees it, sees the insecurity behind it (you’ve been asking him the same questions this whole time getting the same answer but hoping to get an answer that shows he wants to be with you) and sees it as nagging in a sense. He may be a douche when he gets annoyed and that’s not OK but you need to decide if you can live with a little less planning and in a relationship where you have to second guess his feelings. I honestly think tho that you second guess because of your own insecurities. Understandable because of the long distance I suppose but if I were you, I’d take a step back and stop hounding him for plan details when you talk. If he doesn’t want to make plans ahead of time, just make your own plans but leave room for him sometimes. Sometimes your plans will interrupt his plans but that’s bound to happen from time to time.
Post # 182
anonladygrace: Thank you for your input, I think that you didn’t read all my responses yet, because we are not together anymore 🙂
I do agree with you that my own insecurities definitely played a part here, too and I need to look at them.
Post # 183
anonladygrace: I don’t think it’s unreasonable that the OP wanted to discuss potential out of town plans by Thursday of the same week. That seems pretty laid back to me.
Post # 184
misskauai: sorry it didn’t work out 🙁
I don’t think u were 100% wrong at all I just wanted to point out possible insecurity issues. I hope you’re doing well and I should have put this in my post but…
I don’t think its necessarily wrong to seek validation in your relationship in ways that you were seeking from him. Some people are more than happy to meet those needs, the ex however wasn’t. And that’s not wrong either, it just makes the two less compatible long term.
Post # 185
This is a bit late but *hug* I’m sorry you had to go through that.
To be honest it is for the best. You were dating a man-child who didn’t want to bear any sort of responsibility. It’s only acceptable for a 4 yr old to constantly say ‘I don’t know’ when questioned what they want and such.
From my perspective him feeling stress about the most simples questions just show that he doesn’t want to put the effort. It’s easier to talk the talk than walk the walk. Him giving you some sort of answer may of made him feel that he needs to follow through – which he wasn’t fully committed to do. Either he had to put in the effort to follow through, or break the promise and feel bad about.
As for why he was willing to end things with you – I think it’s partially driven by support of his friends, his drunken state, and who you are.
When I say that I don’t mean it negatively. I mean you are probably the type to keep fighting for the relationship – something he probably realized after all the stupid fights he caused. Because of that he probably realized he can’t walk over you or walk away from the relationship saying ‘I was fully committed to the relationship but she broke my heart by cheating on me!’ It would’ve been easier for him cause it shift the blame onto you entirely… Cause I think people tend display more empathy for others more due to adultery vs. Incompatible personality. But you didn’t tragically break his heart resulting in him turn to alcohol and superficial advices in order to end things with you. Because on both cases he can blame alcohol or friends if needed.
So don’t dare think something was wrong with you that he broke up with you. He just realized you aren’t gonna cheat on him or kneel at his feet for his approval.
Post # 186
anonladygrace: Thank you! Don’t worry, you’re definitely right when you say that I probably do have some insecurities that led to this. I’m making sure to examine what might be possible wounds/insecurities that made me stay so long and not set appropriate boundaries earlier.
BearBear47: Thank you so much! Yes, I sometimes wonder if he might wanted me to break up with me earlier.. Or if he just wanted things to stay the same until who-knows-when. And, yes, during our one break he made sure to talk bad behind my back, so some of his friends have a bad opinion about me.
It really doesn’t matter though. What matters is that he did NOT treat me with love or respect during the relationship. Now that I think back things started to go sour quickly once we talked about me moving to his city and other things that in any shape or form involved some responsibilty from his side. (It wasn’t great before that, but you get what I’m saying.) Many things now make a lot more sense… We went to the store because he wanted to get faster internet. He talked to the guy working there about speed and things and the guy said “This speed is definitely fast enough if there’s one person in the apartment. With more, it could be a bit slow when you both stream movies .” My ex replied “Oh yeah, there’s only one living there.” I asked him later why he said that and he came up with explanations like “You know, when we are living together we can talk about who uses the internet when and for what and we mostly watch movies together.” I mean, it’s an explantation, but stuff like that happened A LOT. Sometimes I could tell that he feels bad. Sometimes he was just angry and annoyed.
It hurts that I somehow felt what was going on and even made myself vulnerable enough to ask him, yet he chose to lie to me and keep my hopes up. I remember feeling stupid every time because I thought I just added to this pile of “misskauai’s annoying questions”. Oh well.
I guess I need to live with the fear of him looking for somebody else or just forgetting about me faster. I think he was out of this relationship for a while already. It’s definitely painful, but I know it’s for the best.
Hugs to you!
Post # 187
How does that saying go? “Don’t try to teach a pig to sing. It won’t work and it just annoys the pig”. I think that was judge Judy.
He’s a piece of shit that hid his Flaws for so long. The act of up and he’s just mad because you expect him to be considerate about your feelings and demand respect.
The only feelings you should have about him find a new girl is sadness for the poor girl. IF he can find a girl to con into dating him, that is.
Post # 188
EDubbs: Haha, I love the saying, it made me laugh.
You’re absolutely right, I do still find myself putting on blame for how things developed. Right now I tend to remember how things were at the beginning, he also kept telling me that things could still be like the early stages if – surprise, surprise – it wasn’t for me. I keep wondering what I did that he perceived as so incredibly annoying. I mean, we just hung out during the weekends and I do have my own life, job, friends, …
Maybe it’s just pointless to think about it. Normally people talk about what gets on their nerves and are actually INTERESTED in solving problems so both parties can be happy. He just cared about himself and things turned ugly whenever I wasn’t ok with that, showed my disappointment, asked for change.. He thought/knew I was ok with him telling me he’ll love me forever for a while. I guess bottom line is he’s too immature for a real relationship and didn’t have the balls to end it or work things out.
I guess I’m better off without him and the drama. Plus I’m really not interested in getting wasted every weekend with some 20year olds.
Post # 189
He sent me an e-mail.
He apologized (did not say for what though). Said he’s sad and stressed and that he feels alone without me, but he just couldn’t do it anymore. He asked if he should inform me when he thinks he’s ending his life (???????) and then his behavior changed and he went on about how he didn’t want to intent that he wants to get back together as he “can’t deal with himself right now.” But that he’s not saying that we won’t be back together one day. (?????).
It was a really weird e-mail. Switched between sad, distant/cold, hurful and trying to keep my hopes up. I didn’t respond, but it hurt me a lot. I don’t know what to makes of this?? So he’s not wanting me back, but maybe, and he’s sorry, but he MIGHT be ending his life, but maybe he just had a bad day at work… I don’t think this sounds like it’s written by a mentally healthy person. He NEVER said anything about suicide before. Oh, he also tried to make me “jealous” by adding that he “now has to text with somebody to clarify something.”
This is even weirder than I ever thought possible.
Post # 190
I really don’t think he’s able to pull his head from out of his own ass long enough to realise that he didn’t break up with you, you broke up with him!
I think he’s trying to get a balance of hurting you but not pushing you so far away that you won’t go running back when he decides he wants on tap sex again. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but his email is again trying to manipulate you and yet he isn’t really considering you at all.
He’s trying to lure you back in to his mess.
Ignore him. Do your level best to forget everything he wrote, set up a filter on your email so that everything from him goes straight into the trash folder.
You are doing well without him. Your updates are sounding healthier and healthier, don’t let him drag you back down.
I hope you have something nice planned for this weekend?
Post # 191
Ignore and block his email. Just another attempt to mess with your head (and it’s working). He is emotionally manipulating you. Block block block!!
Post # 192
he is a gold class manipulator. Block and no contact!
Post # 193
Please don’t feed into that mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You should already have his numbers and email addresses blocked! Also refrain from answering “private callers” or “unknown numbers” as he may be pulling a fast one.
He reminds me sooooooooooo damn much of an ex of mine. Ridiculous and disgusting. I pulled myself down sooo low because of the shit he would do to me and say to me…but then I saw the light.
I cut him off one time after I had that lightbulb moment and realised I was worth so much more. When he realised that I was doing things differently and no longer answering his calls and such and not acknowledging him…he kept trying to reach out to me in many ways. He finally texted me and said “It seems you have decided to go…I guess I will have to deal with my cancer on my own…”. I did not respond…and that was the text that made me figure out how to block persons from calling me as well as texting me.
That was 6 years ago. From what I last heard about him a few years back, he’s still the same. Yuck.
He did a number on me though…but I got out before he completely crushed me.
Do not look back OP. No response. No contact. Clean break.
Post # 194
I dont think a threat of suicide should be ignored, even if it is manipulative. I also dont think it is for you to stress yourself over. Is there someone from his life that you can tell. Just say youve received some strange email from him, dont know how to take it but dont want to brush it off in case its serious and that he may need some help/support. At least you have told someone else then and it doesnt need to rest with you if he does something rash..
Post # 195
misskauai: I used to have an ex I would break up with bud always got back together with eventually. He would always put himself down and often mentioned suicide if we broke up.
That’s why we kept getting back together. I fell for it.
The only way I got out was because I met and fell for someone new. He couldn’t give up on me because he knew he still had a chance. It was only when I cheated (emotionally) with someone that he stopped and couldn’t manipulate me any more.
I’m guessing that’s why all your exes previous girlfriend cheated too – there wasn’t any other way.
Please be strong! The fact that I did cheat eats at me a lot, but I know I tried to end it but couldn’t. You are leaving this relationship as you are, as a strong woman. It hurts, but don’t go back to let other things haunt you.