(Closed) Bad communication or unhealthy union? I'm sad and confused.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 181
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I honestly think he isn’t much of a planner and every time you seek validation from him he sees it, sees the insecurity behind it (you’ve been asking him the same questions this whole time getting the same answer but hoping to get an answer that shows he wants to be with you) and sees it as nagging in a sense. He may be a douche when he gets annoyed and that’s not OK but you need to decide if you can live with a little less planning and in a relationship where you have to second guess his feelings. I honestly think tho that you second guess because of your own insecurities. Understandable because of the long distance I suppose but if I were you, I’d take a step back and stop hounding him for plan details when you talk. If he doesn’t want to make plans ahead of time, just make your own plans but leave room for him sometimes. Sometimes your plans will interrupt his plans but that’s bound to happen from time to time.

Post # 183
Member
12123 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

anonladygrace:  I don’t think it’s unreasonable that the OP wanted to discuss potential out of town  plans by Thursday of the same week. That seems pretty laid back to me. 

Post # 184
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

misskauai:  sorry it didn’t work out 🙁

I don’t think u were 100% wrong at all I just wanted to point out possible insecurity issues. I hope you’re doing well and I should have put this in my post but…

I don’t think its necessarily wrong to seek validation in your relationship in ways that you were seeking from him. Some people are more than happy to meet those needs, the ex however wasn’t. And that’s not wrong either, it just makes the two less compatible long term. 

Post # 185
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

This is a bit late but *hug* I’m sorry you had to go through that.

To be honest it is for the best.  You were dating a man-child who didn’t want to bear any sort of responsibility.  It’s only acceptable for a 4 yr old to constantly say ‘I don’t know’ when questioned what they want and such.  

From my perspective him feeling stress about the most simples questions just show that he doesn’t want to put the effort.  It’s easier to talk the talk than walk the walk.  Him giving you some sort of answer may of made him feel that he needs to follow through – which he wasn’t fully committed to do.  Either he had to put in the effort to follow through, or break the promise and feel bad about.

As for why he was willing to end things with you – I think it’s  partially driven by support of his friends, his drunken state, and who you are.

When I say that I don’t mean it negatively.  I mean you are probably the type to keep fighting for the relationship – something he probably realized after all the stupid fights he caused.  Because of that he probably realized he can’t walk over you or walk away from the relationship saying ‘I was fully committed to the relationship but she broke my heart by cheating on me!’ It would’ve been easier for him cause it shift the blame onto you entirely… Cause I think people tend display more empathy for others more due to adultery vs. Incompatible personality.  But you didn’t tragically break his heart resulting in him turn to alcohol and superficial advices in order to end things with you.  Because on both cases he can blame alcohol or friends if needed.

So don’t dare think something was wrong with you that he broke up with you.  He just realized you aren’t gonna cheat on him or kneel at his feet for his approval. 

Post # 187
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee

How does that saying go? “Don’t try to teach a pig to sing. It won’t work and it just annoys the pig”.  I think that was judge Judy.    

He’s a piece of shit that hid his Flaws for so long. The act of up and he’s just mad because you expect him to be considerate about your feelings and demand respect. 

The only feelings you should have about him find a new girl is sadness for the poor girl.  IF he can find a girl to con into dating him, that is. 

Post # 190
Member
749 posts
Busy bee

I really don’t think he’s able to pull his head from out of his own ass long enough to realise that he didn’t break up with you, you broke up with him! 

I think he’s trying to get a balance of hurting you but not pushing you so far away that you won’t go running back when he decides he wants on tap sex again. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but his email is again trying to manipulate you and yet he isn’t really considering you at all.

He’s trying to lure you back in to his mess.

Ignore him. Do your level best to forget everything he wrote, set up a filter on your email so that everything from him goes straight into the trash folder.

You are doing well without him. Your updates are sounding healthier and healthier, don’t let him drag you back down. 

I hope you have something nice planned for this weekend?

Post # 191
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ignore and block his email. Just another attempt to mess with your head (and it’s working). He is emotionally manipulating  you. Block block block!!

Post # 192
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

he is a gold class manipulator. Block and no contact!

Post # 193
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Please don’t feed into that mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You should already have his numbers and email addresses blocked! Also refrain from answering “private callers” or “unknown numbers” as he may be pulling a fast one.

He reminds me sooooooooooo damn much of an ex of mine. Ridiculous and disgusting. I pulled myself down sooo low because of the shit he would do to me and say to me…but then I saw the light.

I cut him off one time after I had that lightbulb moment and realised I was worth so much more. When he realised that I was doing things differently and no longer answering his calls and such and not acknowledging him…he kept trying to reach out to me in many ways. He finally texted me and said “It seems you have decided to go…I guess I will have to deal with my cancer on my own…”. I did not respond…and that was the text that made me figure out how to block persons from calling me as well as texting me.

That was 6 years ago. From what I last heard about him a few years back, he’s still the same. Yuck.

He did a number on me though…but I got out before he completely crushed me.

Do not look back OP. No response. No contact. Clean break.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  DolceVita.
Post # 194
Member
489 posts
Helper bee

I dont think a threat of suicide should be ignored, even if it is manipulative. I also dont think it is for you to stress yourself over. Is there someone from his life that you can tell. Just say youve received some strange email from him, dont know how to take it but dont want to brush it off in case its serious and that he may need some help/support.  At least you have told someone else then and it doesnt need to rest with you if he does something rash..

Post # 195
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

misskauai:  I used to have an ex I would break up with bud always got back together with eventually. He would always put himself down and often mentioned suicide if we broke up.

That’s why we kept getting back together. I fell for it.

The only way I got out was because I met and fell for someone new. He couldn’t give up on me because he knew he still had a chance. It was only when I cheated (emotionally) with someone that he stopped and couldn’t manipulate me any more.

I’m guessing that’s why all your exes previous girlfriend cheated too – there wasn’t any other way.

Please be strong! The fact that I did cheat eats at me a lot, but I know I tried to end it but couldn’t. You are leaving this relationship as you are, as a strong woman. It hurts, but don’t go back to let other things haunt you.

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