(Closed) Bad friend/bridesmaid, do I keep her in the wedding?

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@AlwaysLoverly:  If you never “officially” asked her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor, you are off the hook. 

Post # 4
5191 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@AlwaysLoverly:  she doesn’t seem all that worried, why are you?

Post # 5
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@AlwaysLoverly:  DO NOT INCLUDE HER IN YOUR DAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I promise you, you will only stress with someone like that as an attendant. My wedding is in 2 months in 19 days, and I just dropped someone I thought had my BACK Friday. You will be stressed enough, and you don’t need the extra stuff.

Post # 6
8695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Aquaria:  this. It doesnt sound like she cares if you even remain her friend so I see no issues if she isnt in the bridal party.

Post # 7
1564 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I have a friend like this. She goes through phases of being super close and supportive, and then the next second she is talking behind my back saying I’m settling and making fun of my fiances weight. I debated for a long time whethr to make her a bridesmaid or not since she has never been truely supportive of us (and thats what the day is about) but I didn’t want her to feel left out. So I asked her. She seemed apathetic at best and has been my troublesome one since. She hasn’t liked the dresses, has been telling me half truths about other bridesmaids, has been complaining about spending money and then finally the other day told me she just really didn’t want anything to do with all this. Now today she wants back in and is all buddy buddy again. 


Dont’ make the same mistake as me!!! Who cares about hurt feelings, if you ask her then she will only stir up trouble and make you upset. It’s much less messy this way, and then she won’t have a say in anything. They should only be your closest, lifelong friends that you will still know 20 years from now and she doesn’t sound like she’s one of them. 

Post # 8
5 posts
  • Wedding: June 2014

@AlwaysLoverly:  I feel your pain. My oldest friend asked me “If you got married, I’d be your Maid/Matron of Honor, right?” about 1 month before I met my fiance. At the time, I said literally – um… sure. She is also one to go through phases of not putting effort into our friendship (i.e. keeping in touch) and sometimes I too feel ignored. And while she often says that she sees me like a sister, this might be a way of saying that we are very different but still care a lot about each other. This relationship is okay for an old friend. That said, for a Maid/Matron of Honor, I really want that person to be there and accessible leading up to and during my wedding.


For me, this all culminated into a candid talk about what we both wanted out of our friendships. In the end, it made sense for me to say lets just take a step back with all of this stuff and cast aside titles, take all of that (MOH suff) back and do things when and where they make sense, and focus on just being good friends to one another. It might seem harsh, but given the sense of relief I felt after, it was the right decision. Our conversation made it very clear that we need different things. 


While it sounds like you and your friend have probably had similar conversations about your needs, for me the difference was finding out what she wanted in a friendship too. It made me see that there are some things that she has been frustrated about too. It was a weird convo in some ways just listening to each other without demands or compromises. It illustrated that we have both been making an effort to stay friends despite our differences, and tacitly illuminated that with those differences we probably wouldn’t be the best combo for a Bride/MOH and all that goes with it.


Another less direct approach might be to go ahead with your Bridesmaid or Best Man dress shopping and start setting hard deadlines for responses. If she doesn’t get back to you, and lets deadlines pass, this could be taken as she is not really interested. If you discuss it at some point – it could always be said that she didn’t seem interested in all the wedding stuff, and since a wedding is just one day – that you wanted to let her off the hook rather than forcing something.


It makes me feel better to know that other people are going through this stuff too.




Post # 9
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

If everyone including yourself agrees she shouldn’t be in the wedding party then don’t invite her. This is the reason women come on these boards and complain about their bridal party. You can’t change people no matter how hard you try. 

Post # 10
490 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Wait I’m really confused.  Have you asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man or you are considering to ask her?  Did you ever invite her directly to try on dresses or did you just put it online?  I miss things on Facebook all the time!  


Anyway I can relate to being the tomboyish friend who grew up playing sports with mostly guy friends so maybe she just doesn’t get it that some of these things are really important if you haven’t told her directly.  It sounds like you’re getting resentful but she doesn’t even know that you’re mad.  She’s not a mind reader if you’re hoping that she’ll pick up on clues that you want her to be more involved.  Ask & you shall receive!  


Most of my BMs are strewn about the country & in some cases have loads going on in lives (my sister is missing my engagement party bc she’s got a film in the Cannes Film Fest next month) so I’m being really laid back about bridesmaid involvement.  The only thing I really hope that everyone can show up to pre-wedding is the bachelorette!  But I also told them how important it was to me, you know what I mean?

Post # 11
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Also confused.

It sounds like you haven’t asked her officially to be your Bridesmaid… but you have her on your “short list”

Now you are running some sort of “pseudo-test” to see if she passes or not

8-} *rolls eyes*

Yes this is a juevenile thing to be doing !!

The truth of the matter is… either she is your friend… as she is… or she isn’t

(I didn’t read anything here to let me see that she talks behind your back etc)

She just is the type of gal who is busy with her own life… for whatever reason that may be.  And doesn’t need to have a lot of contact with people she considers to be friends

You are the type of gal, who seems to be clinging to friendships the same way that a lot of folks do in High School (lots of contact)

This gal doesn’t need that… to be someone’s friend.

You guys have different styles that is all.

In reality tho, her style is a lot more in tune with what will happen as people age… when the rest of their life fills up all the available space that friends take up in your Teens & 20s.

(I am over 50, and I have some FABULOUS long term friendships… 10, 15, 20+ years.  And ALL of us are very very busy people.  We only see each other a few times a year … lol, some of them live in the same city… some in others farther away.  We talk on the phone occasionally, email etc sometimes.  BUT we know that the second we reconnect we are back on the same page.  So our Girlfriend time is important… we typically try to have a few weekends a year that are just Girl Getaways.)

That is what you have to ask yourself.  Are you guys that type of friend or not.

Forget the other crap… it doesn’t matter.

She’s right, your idea of friendship is very limited immature.



Post # 12
7219 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@AlwaysLoverly:  So, you never asked her and you’re wondering why she didn’t say anything when you posted about Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses on Facebook? You do realize the best case scenario there is that she’d ask you why she wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid and then you’d be here posting about how a friend you haven’t talked to in a while is pushing to be bridesmaid, right? 

You don’t have to “boot” her because you never asked her. She is right, if you don’t like that she’s not consistently available you should probably not continue the friendship because it sounds like she knows who she is and what she’s willing to contribute and that isn’t going to change. 

Post # 13
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

If you haven’t asked her then there’s nothing to worry about, she doesn’t sound like she should be a Bridesmaid or Best Man

Post # 15
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You’re off the hook. If you never planned anything with her, and she’s being so rude as to call you a ‘toddler’ for trying to be her friend, cut her loose! Sorry that you have to go through this

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