(Closed) bad night..vent

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m sorry this happened, but remember, tomorrow is a new day. And you can never win with teenagers. She’ll grow out of it. Your mother may be a different story….

And just remembeer, your Fiance in his own way, was trying to cheer you up. It’s his weird thing and it might never change, but remember he loves you so much that he wants to make you feel better. cut him some slack and go give him a hug. you’ll feel instantly better.

Post # 4
Member
4337 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@fresitachulita:  I have the identical situation with my mom and sister. It’s slowly getting better – my sister is 24 now, though. I don’t have any advice for that situation… but I wanted you to know that I sympathize and I understand the frustration and the anger that comes with, truly.

I know this was just a vent, so feel free to ignore my suggestion, but have you spoken to him about how much you dislike the smacks on the rear when it hasn’t just happened, i.e., you’re not angry about it at the moment?  Though I’ve got to say, if you’ve told him seriously not to do that, he should respect that.

I hope today is better for you!Smile

Post # 6
Member
803 posts
Busy bee

Your sister is a teenager. Her mind is at a different stage of development. We were all at that age once, and when we look back, can we really understand what we were thinking? Or why we were so high strung sometimes? Why certain things seemed so important to us, when looking back they were really no big deal at all? 

Sometimes puberty is worse for some kids than others. You may not have had such a bad run of it, but your sister may just be different. Her hormones may be really out of whack. 

You just need to think about it this way: Ignore your sister. She’s going to be crazy for the next few years. That’s just the way it is. Eventually her hormones will settle down, and even she will look back and say OMG, I was so crazy back then, what was I thinking? 

But you do need to talk with your mother. She may be the one that has to deal with your sister on a daily basis, but it doesn’t make it okay for her to take that out on you. How were you supposed to know that talking about a particular subject would set her off? But her going off on you and your brother isn’t the best way to deal with the situation, and will only teach your sister that she can get away with acting like a holy terror. 

Your mother is too strung up herself. Any other little thing could have set your sister off onto not eating, even if you and your brother hadn’t been discussing anything. She could have just said “Ok honey, I’m sorry you feel that way. If you don’t feel like eating, then I’ll set aside a plate for you and you can heat it when you’re hungry later.” Your sister is not 5. She doesn’t need your mother to make sure that she’s eating. She’s 16. When she’s hungry, she’s going to come looking for food. And if she’s not hungry, there’s nothing anyone can do to make her eat. Forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to do will just make her more unrational. 

You guys can’t change every little thing to suit her way. That’s called a dictatorship. And she’s only going to be this way for a few years before she grows out of it. I’m not telling you to walk on eggshells around her, because that would be catering to her. Just ignore her, and think of it this way “She’s being an annoying brat. But she’s a hormonal teenager who can’t control the things she says, or does at the moment. I’m just going to ignore her and not give her the attention she wants, or the drama.”

 

Post # 8
Member
803 posts
Busy bee

Lol, I think she will grow out of it. She’s only 16. I visited a friend’s home when I was in collge. Her sister was also 16 at that time. I wasn’t the only guest from college at their home, but her sister proceeded to put up a fit about the dinner being served. Then she wanted to go out, but her parents asked her to stay for a bit because it was my friend’s birthday. She threw a screaming tantrum about how she hated her sister. She screamed through the house how she should just go away and how she didn’t matter anymore since she left for college and didn’t live there anymore. She was the only child that mattered since she was still living there, and everything in the house belonged to her. After two years, she came to the same area for college and had calmed down a lot. Back then, we (the guests) were all horrified at what she was saying and that she was behaving this way in front of guests. Her sister (my friend) and parents were mortified. One could only wonder what she was thinking, because in no way would that have ever seem justified in any situation. But at 16 her brain wasn’t fully developed yet, and that does have a large part to do with her behavior. 

Here’s a quote from an article:

“scientists used to think human brain development was pretty complete by age 10. Or as she puts it, that “a teenage brain is just an adult brain with fewer miles on it.” But it’s not. To begin with, she says, a crucial part of the brain — the frontal lobes — are not fully connected. Really. “It’s the part of the brain that says: ‘Is this a good idea? What is the consequence of this action?’ ” Jensen says. “It’s not that they don’t have a frontal lobe. And they can use it. But they’re going to access it more slowly.”

That’s because the nerve cells that connect teenagers’ frontal lobes with the rest of their brains are sluggish. Teenagers don’t have as much of the fatty coating called myelin, or “white matter,” that adults have in this area. Think of it as insulation on an electrical wire. Nerves need myelin for nerve signals to flow freely. Spotty or thin myelin leads to inefficient communication between one part of the brain and another.

Recent studies show that neural insulation isn’t complete until the mid-20s. This also may explain why teenagers often seem so maddeningly self-centered. “You think of them as these surly, rude, selfish people,” Jensen says. “Well, actually, that’s the developmental stage they’re at. They aren’t yet at that place where they’re thinking about — or capable, necessarily, of thinking about the effects of their behavior on other people. That requires insight.” And insight requires — that’s right — a fully connected frontal lobe.

As for when your parents will stop being so overprotective of her? Probably never. I’m the younger of two (also with a large age difference), and my parents are still very overprotective of me. It’s what comes with being the youngest. But my mum practiced the calm, ignoring method with me and for the most part I was a well behaved teenager. 
 
And perhaps the problem doesn’t just lie with your sister but also with your mother. She may also be going through some kind of personal crisis. Your sister is steadliy growing up, even if she is acting like a little brat. Your mother may be having a hard time accepting that her kids are grown up. It’s much easier to accept the oldest one growing up when you still have little ones in the house. But when the littlest one is growing up and getting close to leaving, then what’s left for your mother? 
 
She may also perceive your having grown up, and getting married as a sign of you leaving the nest forever. This may lead to her being more distant with you and closer with your sister. 
 
Giving your parents parenting advice seldom works well. Perhaps the way to working up to civilized conversation is to engage your mother in activities outside of the house, away from your sister. Do things with just the two of you. When you strengthen the personal relationship between the two of you, it might help her listen more when you say “Hey, I may be grown up, but I am also your child. I know that you may be frustrated with little sister’s mood swings, but it is not okay for you to take it out on me. It hurts me, and makes me feel like I am not a valued part of this family.” 
 
Spending bonding time alone with her may also help her see that even with your younger siblings leaving the nest, and you getting married, that it’s not the end of her world as mommy. Instead of clinging onto your sister, she has a lovely, grown up daughter who is reaching out to her. That when kids grow up, they don’t stop needing their mother. And that she won’t be lost once the last one is out of the house because she’ll have you, and the new activities you’re helping her explore. 
 
Best of luck to you! I hope things work out with your mom, and that your sister calms down in a few years.

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