(Closed) Bad, shocking breakup with almost-FI after 4 years. Devastated.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
9480 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

So sorry you have to go through this.  It’s probably a good thing that this happened before you two became engaged or even married.  I know it’s tough to look at it that way, but in the end, you’re so much better off.  You’re still young and have a long life ahead of you.  Stay strong and know that you deserve so much better.  We will be here to help support you through the process.  =)

Post # 18
Member
2008 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

He did you a favor! Just a bit late!

 

Post # 19
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee

I am very sorry but it is probably better you found out about him now than later when it is more difficult to walk away. Time will heal you heart *hugs*

Post # 20
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MrsSnowMountain:  

“but I also don’t want the good times we had to be tainted. I know all the good in him better than anyone”

DO NOT keep making excuses (yes they are EXCUSES) for this man and what he chose to do to this relationahip.  Believe me the longer that you TRY to view him through ‘rose colored glasses’ the harder you are making it on yourself to move forward with your life. 

IF he was SO good then he would have had the LOVE and RESPECT for you/him and your relationship NOT to ruin it, would he not?

Please, keep in perspective what he did, it is only your decision as to where you go from here with him, but will you now ever really trust him when you are LDR?? or would he be setting you up to fail anyway because you would always be living in fear of where and what he is doing without you??

Learn from this and never settle for someone that does not place you above all others.

Post # 21
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m so sorry hun 🙁  I don’t get why he’d gotten a ring if he wanted to break up. You’re better off without him anyways.  As if the break up isn’t bad enough he had to go and cheat too!

Surround yourself with family and friends right now – they will be your rock to get you through this. Getting some therapy could be very helplful, as well.

I urge you to get your things back and return his as soon as possible and then to cut all contact – it is the easiest way to move on and get over this.  

So sorry again sending lots of hugs and support your way. Breakups suck so bad. But everyday will get a little easier, I promise.

Post # 22
Member
2599 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t know how to say this without coming off as patronizing, but FWIW, four years is a long time when you are 23 and 25. That takes you back to 19 and 21. And those are still what I would term “post-adolescence,” not meaning that you are immature or something, but just that most people change a lot in their early through mid-twenties. And life typically changes a lot between college and then professional school/grad school or work. Some people can grow and change with each-other from those ages, but in my experience, it’s not really the norm. The person I was at 19/21, and CERTAINLY the guys I was with at those ages, was not ready to be married–in fact, although yes, some men are fully mature in their early twenties, I gotta say that most men I’ve known (and teach and work with) are sorta still pretty self-absorbed until what, like 30?

So i wouldn’t look upon this terrible end as a referendum on the entire relationship. It’s just likely that in 4 years, at those ages, something changed at some point. Maybe he really liked the idea of marrying you, but not the reality (I’m so sorry to put it that way!) and that’s why you have the ring and the kids discussions and so forth. Sometimes men do this when they’re so pressured in one direction they feel like they have to burn the bridge.

That’s not to excuse it though, because he’s a dipstick. Don’t marry dipsticks. 

Post # 23
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You want to be angry, think of this, because this is what makes me angry about your situation:

1) He went ahead and bought you the ring, showed it to you and let you try it on and he most likely already had his ideas that he didn’t want to continue the relationship as it was.

2) He cheated on you with not one, but TWO different people while he knew damn good and well you would be out of the country, whilst knowing that he had the ring and knowing that he “wanted to break it off” before you even left.

3) He didn’t even have the balls to tell you before you left, so he decided to be a nasty scumbag and do the lowest thing possible and cheat on you instead. He’s a coward.

4) Don’t even waste your time trying to think about the good.  He threw all that away when he decided to make those decisions.  He threw your trust, your respect and your love out the window and then he pissed on it when it landed on the ground.  Spend your time on someone that is worth your time instead of a turd like him.

There, I think I am done now! Tongue Out

Post # 24
Member
3415 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Lodge

This is going to be tough love from me.  I have been through numerous breakups including a guy who I lived with, we had a child together, we were planning to get married and he cheated on me with several people including a girl he eventually went on to marry.  The girl he married was pregnant at the same time I was and surprise had a blonde haired, blue eyed boy just like my son who ended up being a month older than our son.  THANKFULLY it was a big coincidence that this boy had similar features as my son, so he was not my exes biological boy.

Anyway, it sucks to be in that position.  You need to be angry because this is someone you loved and trusted and he should not have treated you this way.  For one thing if he truly loved you he would not have cheated on you.  Secondly if he respected you he would not have shown you a ring that he promised to give you if he didn’t intend to give it to you.  Thirdly he should have respected you enough to tell you the truth.

My advice is to cry, throw things, mourn the loss of this guy and then move on (it helps to sleep with his friends).  There are plenty of fish in the sea.  You’ll find someone better, you’ll get married to that great guy you meet who isn’t your current and you’ll have a happy life.  Right now life seems pointless, depressing, unfair etc but sometimes these awful events are the best thing to ever happen to you.

I met the love of my life 7 years later and we’re getting married in 2014.  I have a fantastic family and while life isn’t always going to be roses, I can’t imagine a life much better than this.

Take it as a learning experience.  Don’t let it taint your view on love or keep you from trusting men every again.  Not every guy cheats believe it or not.  And by not trusting future men you will only hurt yourself.  But don’t go back to this guy.  You’ll never be able to trust him again and I’m a firm believer that once a cheater always a cheater.  You may not have much negative to say about him other than this but he’s not the guy for you.

Post # 25
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am so sorry this happened to you but so glad it happened now and not after you were married.

He screwed this up and you are better off without him. You deserve better. You deserve to marry a better man. You deserve to have kids with a better man. Not this douche.

Be angry. Be seriously effing mad. The fact he did this shows that you are too good for him.

My ex cheated. It hurt so bad. Now? Now I am so very, very glad he showed his true colours when he did.

Post # 26
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@Irish-bride:  Exactly this.

 

I was also in a similar situation.  My ex and I were together for 5 years and he ended up cheating on me.  Full on slept with the girl.  He didn’t even tell me about it for months after, I came down with mono and he still didn’t spill!  I found out after we broke up he had bought the diamonds for an engagement ring.  Anyway, I completely understand what it’s like to deal with ending a relationship that has lasted for so long.  I wanted us to stay friends, thought he would still come to my future wedding all that stuff.  As it turns out, he did me a huge favor and I have now met the man I am supposed to be with.  I did not even tell my ex I was engaged, and in no way do I ever care if I see him again.  Don’t get me wrong, I hope he finds someone and is happy too.  But life always seems to work out the way it is supposed to.  It is so hard to see the plan when you are feeling this way but I promise you it will get better!  Definitely get mad and stand up for what you deserve! 

NurseMandie is right as well, try not to assume other guys will cheat because your SO cheated on you.  It’s not about you, and there are guys out there who respect a relationship enough to not cheat.

 

Post # 27
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Congratulations! You are going to have SO MUCH FUN over the next few years of your life. Your 20’s is a FANTASTIC time, and you are so lucky that this creep got out of the way early on so that you have room to enjoy, meet new people, travel, and find the love of your life in a man that you can trust and count on!

Post # 28
Member
2780 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

This is why many people that are together years before getting engaged typically divorce. The engagement thing is all about what they feel obligated to take the next step. He’s probably unsure, sounds like you have been togehther for most of your exploration years. Go out and experiment. Cheating is cheating and its never ok or excusable, if you give him an inch now he will walk all over you later. He did you a favour, you will thank him one day.

Post # 29
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
@drummerbride:  that is a very strange assumption to make. i’d say that people that are together for years before engagement typically end up stronger. they are usually more financially secure, have a strong foundation, are educated and have their careers on track. they get engaged when they are ready to start that chapter of their lives together, and are truly on the same page physically, emotionally, professionally, etc. i really don’t think “many people” who were dating for years pre-engagment “typically” end up divorced. it’s usually the other way around, if you get engaged too quickly, youre more likely to get divorced.

if anything, ive seen people stay together for many years, only for the guy to not propose. that is an entirely different situation.

Post # 30
Member
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You’re very young.  There will be so much ahead of you.  He cheated on you as soon as you’re away so what you think what would happen when he moves away and you won’t be with him for 8 months?  I will cheat again.  Leave him, move on with your life, it sound difficult now but in a while it wont be that bad or maybe the best thing that ever happened to you.

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