(Closed) Bad waiting day… more like MONTH

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2999 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I support you telling him that you’re going to move on if he doesn’t move you forward. I did the same and I doubt we’d be the first to do it. I know how it feels to have someone getting engaged before you. My 21 yr old brother is talking about proposing to his Girlfriend of about 8 months in Feb. It does suck. I told my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I think it may have lit a fire under him.  GL to you!!

Post # 4
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I am in a situation where I will be graduating soon and looking for jobs… and I want to move to be with SO (we’ve been LDR for a while). Originally I said ok with moving if the engagement was 6 months after I moved (We’ve been together 4.5 years too), but now… I am terrified of being in the same situation you are…so I am trying to tell him in a not so ultimatum way that I can’t move unless we’re engaged, and he lives rurally, so it’s not like I could find a job in my field and leave close but apart. After 4.5 years, you should have an idea, what’s the point of waiting? I don’t want excuses like promotion or the job to keep getting my hopes up…when this is so important to me. So I feel for you, and I hope you will keep us/me posted how it goes. We are here for you!

Post # 5
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I meant to ask… how old are the both of you, too?

Post # 6
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@StorminNormin:

I totally understand everything you stated in your post.  I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and 3 months (also cringing at the fact that he’s still my boyfriend and not fiance by now), living together for 3+ years.

I wish I could be more like you in the fact that you do not try to bring up marriage to your SO because it could be seen as pressuring him.  I often bring it up, but I was a lot worse about it a year ago.  Back then I constantly told him that I expect us to take our relationship to the next level by the time we hit the 4 year mark.  I’ve learned to back off a lot since then, but now and again when our friends talk about someone getting engaged and they ask “when are you guys going to get around to that” I can’t help but say something to my SO.  It’s really difficult for me to bite my tongue because the 4 year mark in our relationship has passed and I’m still waiting.  I love him more than anything and in my heart I know that I want to wait for him, but I don’t like the resentful person I can be sometimes because of this.  My boyfriend (and his mum) have recently hinted that he is now “working” on the ring/proposal situation. So that gives me a glimmer of hope.

Just wanted you to know that you’re not alone in your wait.  I think it’s good that your boyfriend includes you in his conversations about the future.  I also think it wouldn’t be a bad thing to let him know where you stand with the whole living situation/marriage.  It doesn’t have to come out as pressuring him, but really just letting him know what you want.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

Wishing you the best!

Post # 7
Member
46 posts
Newbee

i think this is one of the only situations where i would suggest giving him some sort of deadline. usually, i am against those because it seems like too much of an ultimatum and can force someone into marriage who isn’t ready. however, it seems like in your situation, he definitely wants to get married to you and just isn’t worrying too much about the timing since he thinks that its a “given” that it will happen. guys don’t really understand the planning that goes into all this, so its possible that he’s just waiting for “the right time” without realizing that you have to actually put some effort into it before it magically just happens.

also, i totally understand not wanting to talk about marriage and not pressuring him. i really commend you on that! however, i do think you should communicate the anxiety it is causing you. it’s not fair for you to keep mum on all this stress – and i highly doubt he wants you to feel that way since he sounds like an awesome guy. you don’t have to tell him, “you need to propose to me NOW” but you can say, “can we set up a timeline for our future?” since he is the one bringing up marriage all the time, it sounds like he shouldn’t have a problem talking about it. and when he says things like, oh i don’t know, it’ll come when it comes, you can give him a more firm answer like, “well how about this?” i know that once me and my Boyfriend or Best Friend solidified a timeline, i felt much better since i knew that we were on the same and that it would come.

good luck!!!

Post # 9
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

@StorminNormin: I think your number one problem is that you are so hands off. It is going to come as a huge blow to him when you tell him your moving out because he hasn’t asked you to marry him yet. He cannot read your mind. You were the one who chose to keep all of your feelings to yourself. If you want to get married then you need to have an adult conversation about it. It’s not pressuring him it’s speaking up. It’s your own fault that you have no idea what is going on with his commitment level because you are not actively pareticipating in the relationship.

Ask him why your not engaged yet. Ask him when he’s thinking it will come. Ask him why it’s taken so long. Ask him why you two moved in together and he never moved forward. All of these things your keeping inside because you claim not to want to pressure him are all of the things eating you alive. If you don’t speak up it’s going to be a real fight when you decide your moving out and he feels like this came out of absolutely no where. If you want to get married just say so. 

 

ETA: The above may come off as harsh but after waiting for nearly 5 years to get engaged I’ve lost patience with beating around the bush. If someone wants to be with me then they should at least have a good answer for why we are waiting. I would never accept “It’ll happen one day” as an answer. I want to know exactly WHY I’m waiting if you claim to want to spend the rest of your life with me.

Post # 13
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@StorminNormin:

This is just my opinion but 1) I think you might want to say something now, or soon, about your intentions to move out. It gives him a chance to think. It’s how I’m trying to handle my case right now. Otherwise, you’ll just resent that he didn’t step up, and he’ll feel like this came out of the blue. Plus 2) can you get to March without feeling upset every day and feeling like you’re hiding your feelings? I personally can’t do that… even just think last week before I talked to my SO, has lasted forever.

Post # 15
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@StorminNormin:

I feel the exact same way. I don’t want the roses and the magical per se, but this isn’t how it’s SUPPOSED to happen, right? It shouldn’t take this sort of emotional energy to be on the same page…. let us know how it goes <3

Post # 16
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@love108: I agree with telling him now about your timeframe….give him a chance to figure things out. 

It sounds like he definately wants to marry you but is just dragging his feet.  Don’t let him come up with any more excuses to delay proposing!  Good luck girl! Let us know how things go!

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