- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2015
ETA: yikes, I didn’t realize this was so long. . . sorry. . .
Oh, gosh. I’m so frustrated right now. I’m in grad school, have to be away from my SO for a week or more at a time usually, and he’s known I would like to get engaged for about six months. I’m so tired of this. We’ve been together for 3 1/2– actually closer to 4– years, and have lived together for 2 1/2 of those. . . I’m 25 and he’s 40. Last summer we had a talk about it, and since at that time his job situation was kind of tenuous (it has much improved now) he said he wasn’t ready to think about getting engaged because of finances, and he was stressed about his future, and thinking about marriage was making him more stressed.
Then recently, 2 of my friends got married on the same day. My SO and I went to part of both weddings, and driving between them, had a good long talk about marriage in which he kind of seemed excited about the whole idea. Then he asked if my dad expects to be asked for his blessing/permission, and the answer was yes, and I think that made my SO nervous again.
Over the last several months he has made various statements (usually fairly offhand) that make me pretty confident that he sees himself with me forever, but I’m not completely sure about how he feels. And because of being in school and having to be away from him, and the difficulty of a partially long-distance relationship, I can’t seem to get myself to feel 100% sure about HIM, even though I want to be engaged to him SO, SO badly. It’s awful. I feel like if only it was more evident that he wants to be with me forever and would do something about it, I’d feel those doubts less, but since there isn’t, I can’t be totally sure either, since I’m scared of getting hurt (history of bad relationships before this one).
I don’t know what to do. I’m stressed out by school, I’m sick of waiting, and from all appearances it’s not happening anytime soon. I asked if I could show him rings I liked months ago, but his reaction was so lukewarm that I never did. I wonder if I did so, that would help??? Maybe he’s waiting for me to show him what I like and being secretive about that??? Wouldn’t you think that by this time in our relationship, and at his age (nearing 41) he’d know what he wants? I’m starting to wonder if he really doesn’t want to marry me but won’t do anything about it. . . but I know he loves me incredibly much and wants a future with me. If I bring it up, he says, faintly mischeivously (or nervously? can’t really tell), “all in good time, my dear!” ARRRGH.
Ugh. . . I guess I just need some support from all you wonderful Bees. . . the whole holiday engagement crap is bothering me hugely this year.