Post # 1
So, long story. My So called our 20 year old roommate (his friend) and told her she is not alowed to come home and smell like weed or be under the influence of weed, because drugs are not allowed in our house (she agreed to this when we signed the lease, that thankfully ends in two months), and there are minors (my best frined moved in, shes a single mom with a 15 year old son, we have a 4 bedroom) living with us.
Ok so the 20 year old’s friend called SO and spent an hour telling him how horrible he is and whatever because he is kicking the 20 year old out and he’s a horrible and immature person and blah blah, and it;s just weed blah blah…
I know SO was upset about all that. He asked me to let him sleep alone.
Before he went to bed I was asking SO, what our plans are, getting married and what not. He basically shut me down and told me to get over it, he isn’t going to talk to me about wedding stuff anymore, I need to stop pushing him to comit more than he is ready to, and I’m just trying to get him to agree to buy us a new car, get us a new house, get me pregnant and get married all by the end of the year and to just leave him alone about it.
This all came out of no where for me. I was under the impression everything was fine and he always seemed happy and excited to talk about our future.
Now I’m really upset and confused.
I don’t know what happened.
Post # 4
It sounds like you may have just picked a very poor time to approach him about the subject and he may have reacted, again, poorly. I would, of course, wait until the dust has settled from the roommate and then broach the subject again.
However, sometimes people will say things in the wrong way when they are upset, but there could be something to his complaint. If he really did say, “I need you to stop pushing me to commit,” then it might be time to discuss what kind of commitment he is willing to make and if you are okay with that level of commitment for now.
Post # 5
I didn’t want to offer aany advice before because I had a similar thing happen to me a few months ago. The post is here (and there is some good advice there) but this is what I said in it:
“I said [told SO] I’d like to think that by this time next year there’d be a plan to get married; I said it in what I thought was a cutesy, romantic way but he freaked out. He brought up that right at the beginning of our relationship I mentioned I didn’t think I could wait 8 years for a guy. I said this because he’d mentioned that he was with his ex 8 years and they broke up partially because of the wait (from what I gather). Marriage is important to me and I thought since the topic came up, it was only fair to mention it. Now it comes out that he feels like that was an ultimatum. At a time when I didn’t even know if he was the guy I wanted to spend 8 months with, let alone 8 years or get married to!”
The thing is, it really was just a bad day. I’ve kept a little more quiet as of late. But he still brings it up from time to time (we both do). Sending me text messages “can we do xyz at our wedding?” or bringing it up in conversation for no reason “I think I am going to get your ring made out of the country because it’s so expensive here”.
Ultimately, I just had to learn to let him do his thing. Only the other day I mentioned when it came up that I didn’t need the expensive ring (not the first time either) and he told me it’s about pride. He has pride. And the only way for him to buy a ring he’d be proud of is for me to wait.
I’m sure it’ll happen. But the fact your SO was upset about your crazy housemate meant he probably wasn’t in a dicussing-the-future mood.
And on the housemate thing: nip that in the bud. She’s breaking the lease. Not to mention she’s breaking the law. She needs to grow up.
Post # 6
I don’t know how long you’ve been together or how serious your talks have been, but I would do as he said and give it a break. After being with my fiance for 9 yrs before he proposed, I can tell you that no amount of talking will speed up his readiness.
Give your SO a break and if it makes you feel better, give yourself a goal of not mentioning it, for say a month.
It sounds like you’ve asked for a lot of things by the end of the year. Those things are big and might be overwhelming. Perhaps he wants them all, as well, but so many goals to fill by the year’s end can be overwhelming. I’d slow down on it and take it a goal at a time, because giving him so many things to focus on might result in NONE of it coming to being.
Post # 7
@ that was an over statement on his part. We’ve talked about a car, house, baby and stuff, but not like we need to do it all OMG RIGHT NOW! More like in the next few years.
We’ve been together for a year and 9 months.
Post # 8
Sounds to me like he’s overwhelmed and just needs to chill for a bit.
Post # 9
I agree with @Soon2BD-CBee:. I suggest cooling it on the engagement talk for a few days. He probably just needs some time to relax after having to deal with these problems, and talking about an upcoming engagement is typically not relaxing for most men.
Post # 10
@HelleCat: I think you just picked a bad time to talk to him – he was clearly upset (asking to sleep on his own, etc.), and to suddenly feel pressured by you when he was already under some stress (guys can get emotional too!), may have been too much to handle. I think maybe you should just apologise for pressuring him and wait for a few days/weeks to start discussing the future 🙂
Post # 11
I’m going to second a good number of the PPs and say that you just chose a really terrible time to bring all of it up. I’d give it until this roommate is out of the house before you bring it up again. It sounds like she’s a constant source of stress for you two, and having her gone will probably take a lot of stress off him. After that, though, you should try to bring it up again, but wait until he is in a really good mood and not super stressed about things.