Bad/estranged relationship with parents–still invite to my wedding? Y/no & why?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
6300 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Absolutely not. Do not invite them to your wedding. If you haven’t kicked them out of your life yet, now’s a great time to do it.

I didn’t read your entire post and I apologize but just the beginning part of what you shared is one oh hell no after another.

I’m sorry you had to deal with that. Children deserve better from their parents.

Post # 3
Member
2663 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Dear Rose, where to begin? I’m very sorry that this has been your life experience. I read your entire post but I did not need to. I know your parents; I got much the same. It’s true that you cannot comprehend this sort of thing without having experienced it, that’s likely a good thing in my book.

Your parents fall into the category of people who should never have been allowed to procreate. They ought to have been thrown in prison for the way they have treated you (and likely your poor brother too) but that’s the past and it does not do to dwell on the past. Somehow these people have produced a decent, smart, industrious and caring individual and that is quite the feat of nature. You need to be putting your energy into yourself. 

First things first. You have to start viewing your parents as people. Just people. They are not parents, never have been, never will be. If they were not your parents then would you consider spending one minute with these disgusting excuses for humans? If no, then get past any obligation/duty/pity/hope that you may feel about them. You clearly want a happy functioning family and that’s normal, but you won’t get it from them. 

You do deserve children so long as you want what’s best for them and you would not intentionally bring them harm. You may need a bit of therapy, or simply time away from the relatives to heal and understand that.

I would disown the relatives. You already know that they are toxic. They have no place attending your wedding. If I were your partner I would be doing everything I could to protect you from those people. This isn’t about you having to try to fix things or be a better person. You are not the problem. You do not want your children to be influenced by them either, don’t go kidding yourself into thinking they will suddenly change because you get married or have children.

I don’t know how to say it more clearly: ESCAPE! X

Post # 4
Member
4856 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

No. 

Post # 5
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Therapy.  Alllllllll of the therapy.  And don’t invite them, whatever you do.  They will ruin your wedding day and quite possibly your relationship with your fiance.  Look at it this way: if you had friends who behaved in this way, what would you do?  End the friendship, I would hope.  So why let your family treat you in this way?  If anything, they should be held to higher standards.  What good do they bring to your life?

Post # 6
Member
10951 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

KiwiDerbyBride :  

Yessssss!  A thousand times yes!

OP, Your relationship with your parents is just that–a relationship.  Would you keep people this abusive in your life if there were no blood ties?  I like to think not.

A bad relationship is a bad relationship and needs to end.  And, just as with any other break up from an abuser, No Contact is the only way to go.

And oh dear gawd, what would possess you, OP, to even contemplate allowing those people to attend your wedding?

And brace yourself, OP.  Once you kick these creeps out of your life, be ready for them to launch a full scale smear campaign against you.  It’s what they do. 

Post # 7
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

A big, fat resounding NO!

 

You said it yourself in your opening paragraph about them they are a “hurricane of toxic, negative, violent, cruel, insulting, yelling, cussing self-absorbed and overly defensive pair of whiny, childish manipulative individuals.” These are not people you want in your wedding, your life, or your children’s futures if you decide to have any. 

 

Honestly, I think you already know the answer and have come here for support and confirmation that being rid of them is the right thing to do. And it is. I promise you, it is. Prepare for the backlash, cut these people off and get yourself into some therapy. You’re lucky enough to be marrying into a wonderful family by the sounds of it so don’t be afraid to rely on them for support. 

 

Society tells us that we have to take care of our parents, and clearly your parents have been force feeding that to you to the extreme so I expect you are probably feeling massively guilty despite the fact that you know it’s for the best. That’s fine, you can’t help feelings. Acknowledge them and learn how to cope with them (therapy will help with this), but do not let them stop you from helping yourself. Self care is way WAY more important

Post # 8
Member
5591 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

lavenderlilyrose :  

I am so sorry. You have a lot of anger and it’s totally normal. You don’t have to feel this way though. I held a lot of anger and resentment about my abusive mother but I was able to overcome it with therapy. I’m not angry, I’ve accepted it and I’ve moved on from my past.

This does NOT mean that everything is peachy with her though.

There are consequences for being so abusive to you. Those consequences include not being a part of your life.

Don’t even try with them, don’t invite them to the wedding, and try to heal from your past. A therapist can help with that so you can live a peaceful life.

Post # 9
Member
3048 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

No. I would never let someone that is that toxic and abusive back into your life.

If you’re having trouble with this and the effects of their upbringing (which is certainly understandable), I really suggest you seek out counseling with an experienced psychologist. Doing so helped me when going through the decision to go no contact with my toxic parents and to understand everything I had been through.

Last, if you plan on having kids, please do not ever allow them around them. If they are abusive/toxic to you, they will be just the same for any children. 

You deserve to be happy. Blood doesn’t obligate us to be abused or treated badly. Do what’s best and healthiest for you and your nuclear family (you, your fiancé, kids if you have them one day). You don’t owe them anything.

Post # 10
Member
617 posts
Busy bee

I can say it sounds like you and I have the same parents. 

My wedding is in a couple of months and I didn’t invite either of them. (Although my mom has been mia most of my life, I still wouldn’t even consider inviting her if she were around)

its best to cut them out of your life and move forward. No use holding on to something so toxic just because you share blood  

Good luck

Post # 11
Member
6832 posts
Busy Beekeeper

No. Do not invite them. Why would you want them in your life or in the lives of any children you may have? It’s not just okay to distance yourself from toxic people, it’s the healthy thing to do. 

Post # 12
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I’m so sorry you got screwed in the parent lottery. I know it’s tough, but these people are not going to change and they’re just going to be a toxic presence in your life for as long as you let them. Don’t invite them to the wedding. They will make it all about them and make it a stressful time for you. I think it’s time to cut them out of your life. Or at least keep them at arm’s length.

Sometimes people get lucky and their blood relatives are their family. Other times, you don’t get so lucky and you have to build your own family. Surround yourself with people who care for you and appreciate you and move on from all the pain that your parents have caused you. Seeing a therapist would definitely help you work through these issues.

Post # 14
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

lavenderlilyrose :  

Rose, i couldnt finish reading this because I got so angry for you! I read up till the sleeping in the car part.. 

Even as I got to the 6th line in the 3rd paragraph I formulated my answer: NO.  You shouldnt invite these people to your wedding, or keep them in your life for that matter. This is a very though out answer. I have a toxic mother who is currently on time out, with high likelihood of permanent cut out…but your patents are a whole other level of evil and crazy.  Honestly, the best thing you can do for yourself, your husband and your future kids (if you plan on having any) is to cut out your parents, permanently. They are extemelly toxic, they wont change, they will bring nothing but stress and missery into your life and family. I have spent months ready about narcissists and the only answer to find any kind of peace in your life is to cut them out. Permanently. Like if they died. I know this is very hard, you may be alienated from other family who will disagree with your decision, unfortunately that is something that happend a lot when someone decided they have had enough toxicity and CO a family member. After I put my mother in TO both of my siblings cut me out. It’s been 3 months. I got really depressed because I feel like I lost my family, and I know that I may never be able to rebuild my relationship with my siblings and that is a price I have to pay in order to not have my toxic mother in my life. Honestly i see the light at the end of the tunnel and I know I will be okay. Darling Husband is very supportive and he has a great family and I try to surround myself with positive people as much as I can. 

I found the DWIL board on BabyCentre to be extremely helpful, Wedding Bee is good too, but the DWIL has more people familiar with this kind of stuff. Reddit has a subredit called Raised by narcissists, great for venting.

Also I found the following books very helpful: Will I ever be good enough,? You’re not crazy it’s your mother, Toxic Parents, Emotional blackmail and Healing your Emotional self. A website called Daughters of Narcissistic mothers is a gold mine. There are lots of Youtube videos on the subject as well. 

Also if you are able to get/afford therapy I strongly suggest you go. I hope you cut them oit, they dont deserve you and you deserve so much better!

Post # 15
Member
2663 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

lavenderlilyrose :  Wow. Well done. That is an extraordinarily mature response. You truly are an impressive person. So what little it’s worth from a stranger on the internet: I’m proud of you!

I think delaying the wedding and working some things through in therapy is the best solution you could possibly reach. Weddings are so exhausting! They bring up all of those messed up family troubles too. You keep saying that you ought to be stronger, but let me make one thing perfectly clear: you are already exceptionally strong. People can only hold so much strength at any one time and you have far more on your plate than anyone could deal with. 

Wanting your family there is not weird and it doesn’t make you twisted. It’s perfectly normal to want family around you. But it’s not them. You didn’t get that family where they’ll support you and everything will be peachy. The family we want is a fantasy family. The family you do have is not worthy of you.

You don’t have to have all of the answers now. Perhaps you elope. Perhaps you go to town hall and have a party afterwards. Perhaps you’ll have a wedding with his family and your friends. It doesn’t really matter what you choose down the line. All that matters is that you two are together.

So please, give yourself a break. Have some breathing space, do some things just for you. Don’t engage with family drama. Talk to a therapist – not because you’re mentally unsound – but because your family is toxic and you need some perspective on how best to view things. Take the pressure off. Enjoy your fiance! You’ll find things are clearer with time. X

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