- 2 years ago
- Wedding: July 2018
Hey ya’ll. **LONG POST. Looking for well-thought answers. Thank you so much!**
Engaged at 22, now 24 and will be married at 25 next year. Will have been with my love a total of 8 years before we’re married. We’re happy. And stressed. Way too stressed out because of my parents. But mostly because I am a mess in the decision-making department. I am having a hard time commiting on how to deal with my parents. However, his parents are just peachy happy and supportive. My parents…..
……are this hurricane of toxic, negative, violent, cruel, insulting, yelling, cussing self-absorbed and overly defensive pair of whiny, childish manipulative individuals. They gaslight. They turn conversation about them almost instantly. They do not know how to listen–I mean this; the will cut me off, make their own conclusions, and blame me for starting all the problems in the first place. They call me names; all kinds. They do blame me for almost everything-their bad mood, a punched wall, etc. The kind of parents who choked/slapped/pushed/kicked me and told me I should be grateful because it could have been worse. The kind of parents who call me a name and then 2 minutes later claim I called them that. They kicked me out at 22 because I was…”disrepectful., ungrateful and a slob.” I did not do drugs, drink, ever get pregnant, steal money, bring people over…Not a clean freak, NOT a slob, but with so many ever changing rules regarding everything in that household…I was never going to be able to keep up. I may have been a bit of a mouthy pistol when I was a teenger, but by God I did my best when I hit college to appreciate life and my family. That’s when I spent 2 years away from them… I loved visiting them!…But when I came back to live with them for a few summer months…I just couldn’t be the family therapist or scapegoat anymore. I think I forgot my family role. At first I tried to “fix” things by trying to realize actual issues….I discovered it was mostly communication and honesty and tried to talk about it. They did not like that at all…told me I was the problem…sigh. Then I started pulling away.
Why? I could not function in my parents home. Best decision ever? No. But confronting issues didn’t work. I felt drained/apathetic. I did not feel heard or emotionally acknowledged in my parents home. I did not pay rent, but I did house chores but it was never enough; from midnight muffin runs to anything w/o compensation for gas…I paid for my own everything EXCEPT rent…. I started to draw boundaries like, I need to go to bed or I need to eat or shower…or go to work! (I was saving up for my last school semester. They knew this.) Time-wise, I was busy. Too busy to hang around the house. I had a full-time career job; still do. I was graduating college soon; had one more year left after that summer. Mom unhappy I want to shower whenever I need to? Well, I’ll shower at the gym. Unhappy I need to wash my clothes? I’ll go to the laundry mat. I avoided conflict….or so I thought. I began to realize they didn’t want upfront honesty or me gone; in fact they WANTED me around TO BE USEFUL 24/7. And when I was around? BE ATTENTATIVE to THEIR wants/needs and be happy/positive and don’t ever have a problem with anything personally. Let me be clear. I was upfront and honest about everything. That’s just me. Them…not so much. They vented and gossiped about me behind my back, then lectured me via insults and yelling, and did not understand my lack of obdedience or in their mind, “respect and gratefulness.”
After telling me “You don’t get to have boundaries in MY house” and other insulting remarks like “I bet you think we’re just horible parents”….They never actually asked me what I thought…ouch. It didn;t matter what I said. Never did. That night they gave me an ultimatum of “Apologize and sit down; we’re going to tell you how this is never going to happen again.” I only said, not 5 minutes before, “No, I think this should wait until morning as its 11 p.m. and everyone is tired/angry.” They did their best to control the situation. My dad physically bullied me, refusing to get out of my way when I said I would come back tomorrow, when everything is cooled down. And no, I am not angry they kicked me out of their house. It’s their house. I respect that. So much so I was forced to leave my pets there. No, they were not taken care of even though they said they would. For 3 days. My stuff was in the garage in garbage bags. I slept in my car. I can’t even completely cover everything that happended that night because it feels like my heart is getting ripped out again and again. I blacked out from the trauma as soon as my fiance came to pick me up.
Now that I’m out of the house….I have barely spoken to my parents since that night….Other times, on the phone, my dad said “I can’t believe you’re doing this” called me a “b***, pissy, mean, cruel.” My mom said “Look what you did, unleashing the storm. You want this stuff here? I don’t want it anymore.” I wonder what others would do in my shoes. It is hard to explain my childhood and time with my parents….nobody usually believes me and those who do, seem to have gone through it themselves.
What did they say about me getting engaged?
mom: “Not my problem”, “Don’t come to me when it goes bad”, “He’ll cheat on you”, “Don’t expect us to pay for it” (I didn’t!!), “You shouldn’t burden his parents with forcing them to go” (They want to!), “Don’t talk about this again”….And more. “I’m not going.”
dad: nothing, mostly. Literally. Showed him my ring and nothing. Just kind of moved on like he didn’t see it. Later, “He’s a nice BOY.” and “I don’t think getting married is in your best interest.”
I always validated what they said to me; I care and it’s impossible for me to fake that….but it’s the “our daughter is an adult and is acting like it” they have the issue with. I am getting married anyway. I love my fiance! But I struggle with inviting my brother (who is a lot like them but not as bad) and my step gma (who thinks my dad is so wonderful and that I was lying to her). I feel like I’m in a cage whenever I think about it. Am I thinking about this wrong? I wish I had more perspective. I have potential kids to think about. If I ever feel worthy of having kids. At this point, not so much. This wedding thing is not a happy thing. I hoped it would involve my family and now I’m just not sure anymore. i’m miserable even thinking about talking to them. Should getting married change any of these issues above? What if we can in the future? My fiance does not want them there; he’s seen to much and in his opinion, they should work for the relationship, not me. I just feel like….
An emotional wreck,