(Closed) Baffled by FMIL…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I feel you.  I don’t have any of this tension with my Future Mother-In-Law, per se, but I also was raised to expect a fairly close relationship with my IL’s.  And they are fairly aloof (and I think that my Future Mother-In-Law can occasionally be pretty manipulative of my Fiance b/c she’s very depressed).

I think it’s hard b/c families are so different.  My Future Father-In-Law is having surgery, and both my parents called my Fiance separately to talk to him about it/ask how he was doing and then called my Future Father-In-Law as well.  My FIL’s didn’t even ask to speak to me to say congratulations after we got engaged.  Sorry I realize this is turning into my own vent, but what I’m trying to say is that it’s really hard to not have the relationship with your IL’s that you had imagined.  And I don’t have any advice since I’m there too, but I’m offering you ((hugs)).  My sister went through a similar adjustment with her IL’s, and she says it does get easier over time as you come to accept it more…but that it’s pretty normal to have a hard time with it.  I’m hoping for the "getting easier" to come soon though.

I think the best you can do is what you are doing.  Make an effort to invite her to things and sent her updates.  But just tell yourself in advance that she’s probably not going to respond and so if she ever does, it’ll be a nice surprise.  I think it’s hard to change expectations, but if you acknowledge you have them it’s easier to actively work on them.

Post # 4
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I think sometimes MIL’s dont’ always realize how much their words matter, especially during the stress of wedding planning. I have a great relationship with my Mother-In-Law. She’s been great from the minute we met.

Shortly after I bought my dress we went to visit his parents. I was telling about how I picked out my dress and my Fiance mentioned the cost. Both Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law scoffed at the amount. It’s more than I expected to spend, but it’s under $1,000 and I decided it was the one I wanted. 

Their reaction was unexpected and it was kind of upsetting, but I try to let it go. 

Focus on the good parts and good luck! Your relationship will last much longer than wedding planning.

Post # 5
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I totally understand! My wedding is a year away…she asked me how many bridesmaid I was going to have…I told her I was having 6..Her response was "You need to cut that number down..you can’t have that many bridesmaids"

 

i was speechless..it’s just the beginning for me…

Post # 6
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I know it’s really hard when people don’t give you the relationship that you want. While I would not hope too much for her interacting with you about the wedding the way you want, I wouldn’t lose hope about never having a good relationship with her. Give her time. Once the wedding is over, you can show her that you are not taking her son away from her…hopefully over time she will start to come around.

You can also tell your fiance to tell his mom that you are excited about having her as a Mother-In-Law. In addition to "taking her son away" she may also be worried about you not liking her. I’ve heard that mothers of sons can actually feel quite insecure about their future daughter in laws…especially if they have no daughters themselves and if this is the first child to marry. 

Post # 8
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Keep her out of the loop! If she can’t be wonderfully supportive, she doesn’t need to be included in your wedding plans and details. 

She will get over it at some point. She’s probably just coming to the realization her son is getting married. Is this the only SON to get married so far?

I noticed a big difference between my FMIL’s daughter getting married and her son (my FI) getting married. The latter is apparently more difficult

Post # 10
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I can totally sympathize on this one…lately I’ve been reminded quite a bit by my Future Mother-In-Law on how lucky I am to have my Fiance.

I think it’s a really hard adjustment sometimes when families try to merge. She might not have been this way for a while because it wasn’t definite that you were joining the family, and now that it is your Future Mother-In-Law sounds like she’s having a hard time with that. I think it’s definitely a good idea to stop including her on your plans…hopefully she doesn’t start to complain that she feels left out!

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