- 11 years ago
- Wedding: July 2010
OK………..Warning: this post is chock-full of lots of things, some of which seem more related to each other than others…all are mixing around in my mind right now…
So Fiance and I are kind of still “getting over” our issues from last week. It’s been a little over a week. We’re doing better, took the past week off from wedding planning, and are just spending time on stuff we’ve always liked doing together. It’s been mostly peaceful, but still, I can tell we are both feeling some residual stress from it, and some underlying pre-wedding nervousness that colors some of our conversations…
And I’m learning just how differently we handle stress. Me–I need to vent, sometimes to him. Him–he usually keeps it at work without needing/wanting to vent, and at home is just really quiet, occasionally moody. Last week he resigned from a demanding church job, adn the reasons he gave were: “I need to focus on myself and my upcoming wedding/marriage, get my house in order.” I also overheard him say to someone: “Joygirl has to come before everything else right now.” (He has 2 other well-paying part-time jobs doing computer/IT work.) The people at the church have been giving him a hard time about it, and I know this has caused him some stress–and I’m sure some of them are scrutinizing and blaming me (let them, I really don’t care).
Ok, all that being said…I’m trying to be patient and see what he means when he says: “At this point, Joygirl has to come before everything else,” etc…
Especially since he’s still doing work for the church during a weekend when I wanted him to go visit my family with me.
Also, the week after Easter is my spring break; I wanted us to spend those free days with my family, getting some wedding stuff done. But Fiance wants to fly to visit an old friend of his for a couple days after Easter, before returning and doing wedding plans with my mom. He said: “As important as it is to spend time together with your family, right now I think it’s more important to spend time together just us. We need to take a break from anything stressful and get away together for a couple days.” While it would be easier if he would go with the flow, I do appreciate what he’s saying and that he thinks it’s valuable for us to take a break from everyone/everything else.
So…I know my mom is going to get upset about this, since I moved far away to be near Fiance, and we’re moving even further away after the wedding, and she has felt left out of the wedding plan process and it’s been hard for her since she lives 10 hours away…and Fiance had to add the comment, “You know, we won’t always spend every holiday with your family our whole lives…”
A few things:
1. I want to trust him to put his money where his mouth is, as far as prioritizing our relationship. Why? He sees all his jobs as demanding his time and attention, and sometimes I feel like he perceives ME the same way–making demands on him, especially when he is stressed.
2. I hope he’s not suddenly “keeping score” of how much time we’ve spent with MY family over HIS in our relationship, and resenting/wanting to change things.
3. I want my mom to be supportive whatever we do and not make me doubt my Fiance. She knows we have fought before, has seen me hurt, and she has expressed that she thinks he’s a little overinvolved in wedding plans, (he is kind of a “Groomzilla”) so she is pretty protective of me and wants to see him involve himself in my family, and most importantly treat me well. (And no, I didn’t tell her about all the issues from last week).
Can you tell there are still some issues? Does this seem like a jumbled mess of contradictions? I’m still not feeling completely secure with him, and we’re getting back to a peaceful/secure/happy place, and hopefully even stronger than where we were before.
How do you handle the balance between what your FI/H wants, what you want, what your family wants? How do you keep everyone happy?
(AND–before anyone recommends premarital counseling, let me say this: We are planning to meet with the priest who is marrying us a few times, and we are planning to read/work through a premarital counseling book together.)