- 5 years ago
DH and I have been married for one year, and married life has been great! There’s one issue that’s been bothering me lately though. Prior to marriage, we each had our separate friend groups. We never really had a group of friends that we shared – I had my high school and college friends, he had his high school and work friends. I went to college 2+ hours away, so there wasn’t a lot of mixing of those groups. I moved back to our area less than a year before the wedding, and we started doing a few things together with friends – mostly his work friends, because they’re a large group and do things more locally. My college friends are a group of 4, and we are all spread out. Because of the distance we don’t see each other very often, and when we get together we have to travel 2+ hours. We each have a high school “best friend” that we tend to hang out with on our own, but they live close to us so there’s no issues there.
The issue is that his work friends get together for long camping weekends very frequently. They go every 2 or 3 weeks in the summer and fall, and we get invited to many of these weekends. The group is composed of couples/families, so my husband and I go together. We’ve spent three holiday weekends camping with them this summer. I love camping and I enjoy the group, but don’t feel completely comfortable with them. I don’t have any close friends in the group that I have lots to talk about with. We just don’t have a whole lot in common. So at some point in the weekend, I always start to feel uncomfortable and clingy to DH. I like going, but I wouldn’t want to go any more than we did this year. I talk about this with DH, and he tries to be understanding but I know he wishes I enjoyed these weekends as much as he does. We got invited to go again this weekend, and I really don’t want to go, which DH understood and didn’t argue with. But we still ended up fighting about it a little, as I talked about how I don’t feel comfortable around them all the time. He thought I didn’t want to go mostly because we’ve been crazy busy – and while that’s a big part of it, I also don’t feel the need to spend another weekend with the group. Plus I just want some alone time with him.
I was thinking about my friendships in relation to this situation, as I want to be fair to both of our friend groups. My college friend group is totally opposite in how we hang out. We usually get together just the 4 of us, with no significant others. Because we live 2+ hours away, we usually go to one of our houses overnight, all day Saturday-Sunday. This only happens once every 3-5 months. I think my DH is bothered that we don’t include him. I have always hung out with these friends on my own, and we’ve always lived a ways apart, so I’m used to doing overnight trips with just the 4 of us. When they stayed at our house he hung out with us for a while, and when at another friend’s place his Fiance spent a little time with us. (The other 2 don’t have significant others). But the emphasis has always been just on us – especially because we go months without seeing each other. Because we’ve never lived close, and probably never will, we will probably never get to know each other’s significant others very well.
Are we wrong to not include spouses/significant others in our get togethers? Am I crazy to not want to spend 3+ weekends a year camping with my husband’s friends that I enjoy, but am not 100% comfortable with? We both love spending time with these friends. But I also want some time to ourselves!! How do you and your spouse handle separate friend groups? (We will be TTC in the next mont – so maybe having kids will mean we don’t have so much time for friends, and a baby will rectify the situation on it’s own, haha).
Thanks for any help/advice, bees!