Post # 1
This probably isn’t the correct area to post this.
I’m catholic. I went to a catholic school from grade 3 until I graduated high school. When I was younger I went through the baptism, communion, reconciliation, confirmation and we went to church on a pretty regular basic. For the last 7 years I haven’t gone too much. I do love to go at Christmas with the family.
I believe in god, but I swear, on BC, premarital sex, etc… All the things Catholics aren’t supposed to do.
Fiance is not religous at all. His mom is Christian but never goes to church. As a kid, Fiance would go to church once in a while but doesn’t understand anything of the bible.
He tries to tell me that Im not very religiouis because I swear, etc…
We’ve had 1 discussion about our future children. He asked if I’d want to baptise my kids. I said yes… WELL that got to him!
“What if I don’t want my children to be religious”.
I think you’re better off to have a religion then NOT. But I have no idea how to persuade him into it when the time comes 🙁
Anyone else deal with this?
Post # 3
Yes. But in the opposite scenario. Fiance is Catholic and I believe in God, but I’m not what I would call religious. We want to be blessed in the Catholic church, but I had a lot of reservations about having our children baptized. I’m liberal, pro-gay rights, pro BC, etc and I was afraid that my children would become what I thought was the stereotypical Catholic. I was also concerned that I would be sitting in the pews while my kids went up for communion, and was I okay with that? It wasn’t until after we started talking to the marriage coordinator and learned more about what X, Y, and Z would mean that I became more comfortable with it.Plus, something that Fiance said to me: “Think about the kind of Catholic that I am, and that’s pretty much what it’ll be like”. I can live with that.
ETA: These days, we can use all the community we can get.
Post # 4
That is such a tricky issue…spirituality AND children! You may want to talk with him openly about your faith and his belifes. Do you belive in baptism washing away original sin, or is it more the ritual that you want? My Fiance and I are both Secular Humanists (former Catholics) and we are planning on having “welcoming ceramonies” for our children, a gathering of loved ones where we introduce out baby to the world and celebrate with well wishes, blessings, hopes and dreams for the future, etc. We are hoping this will fullfill our own spiritual needs while allowing our Catholic family members to give thier own traditional blessings. This may be a neutral option for you…but if original sin is a concern for you, it is certainly a topic to discuss in detail before having children. Perhapes if he knows how important it is to you, he may understand better.
Post # 5
well i’m not catholic but my fiance is. growing up, i experienced many different religions, my mother is catholic and my dad baptist, so they kind of wanted me to choose what was right for me. while i respect that decision, and it DID work out for me, i do plan on having my children baptized. if they are ever unhappy or do not believe in something, it will never be forced upon them, but i want them to feel they “belong” to a group, that will always be there for them. does that make sense? sometimes i wished i “belonged” more, to a church, or circle of people. i totally understand what you’re saying. maybe you can talk it over more with him.
Post # 6
We’re in a similar boat except that it’s reversed. Darling Husband religious and I’m not so much. Since I don’t believe in Original Sin (and therefore that babies don’t need to be blessed with Holy Water in order to avoid Purgatory) I’m not comfortable with having our future children baptized. He’s more in the but-that’s-the-way-it’s-always-been-done-therefore-that’s-what-you-do boat. Also, there’s a christening gown that’s a family heirloom and tradition.
I know Original Sin isn’t the only reason babies are blessed/baptized/christened anymore. Maybe you ladies can tell us your faith’s interpretations of the ceremony and possibly Sunshine’s Fiance and myself can find a reasons we’re comfortable with? A compromise seems like a good possibility, at least for our situation.
ETA: Wow. I’m typing slow today! Lots of good answers all ready! Rosiebear – That’s exactly the sort of thing I’m hoping to do!
Post # 7
@misshellen- you totally put my thoughts into words!
Post # 8
I guess it’s more the ritual I want… I like knowing the history of jesus, the bible, etc… Fiance doesn’t know any of that and I want our children to know it and have the option of going to church as an adult.
I’ve never been a “bible thumper” or anything like that but I think it’s good to have a religion.
Post # 9
I grew up in a basically Baptist church, however, my Fiance went to a Catholic school K-12. Neither of us are very devout, but we have discussed what will happen when we have children. We are interested in finding a church that is a little more open minded and “liberal” in a way. We like the basic tenets of Christianity, but don’t believe in all the “little things” (BC etc). I am in favor of baby dedications but not baptisms – to me, baptisms occur when a person can consciously make a decision about their beliefs. We also want to expose our children to a lot of different beliefs – explain why we believe the way we do – but as the children grows, they will have to make a decision about what they personally believe.
Sorry if that was jumbled – I have a meeting soon!
Post # 10
You can’t get married in the Catholic church unless you agree to do everything in your power to have the children baptized Catholic. So I don’t know if that will become an issue for you.
I definitely think a church community is important for children.
Have you discussed anything beyond baptism? Like will you teach them Bible stories and raise them Catholic? I think you can persuade him to have the children baptized using the logic that you can baptize the baby and you can continually reevaluate the religious development of the child. It’s not an all or nothing thing. Does going to church and learning about Jesus really hurt anyone? What does he have against it?
Post # 11
@ Sunshine23: Regarding the history comment, I didn’t either and being the bookwork that I am got curious and started reading the bible (I also plan on reading the Torah, the Qu’ran, etc) and I have to say that from a secular point of view it’s a pretty juicy read! You’ve got polygamy, smiting, intrigue, incest, unconditional love under extraordinary circumstances, murder, the whole nine yards and I’m only up to Exodus! Tell him that, maybe he’ll read it himself and be a bit more comfortable.
Post # 12
I’m a buffet Catholic. I take what I want and leave what I don’t. As I understand it, more and more Catholics are doing the same. I don’t believe in all tennets of Catholocism, but I think it’s important for my children to grow up knowing religion and believing in God. Darling Husband grew up in the Pentacostal church, his dad is a minister. He HATES religion because of it. But he agreed that it’s important for children to believe in God, so he’s ok with baptism.
Does anyone know if the church will baptize your kids even though you didn’t have a Catholic wedding and one of you isn’t Catholic??
Post # 13
We’re not getting married in a catholic church… we’re just doing it in a hotel with a Justice of the Peace.
I don’t think you have to get married in a catholic church to have a child baptised and only 1 parents has be catholic.
@Mighty – I agree about the buffet catholc. I suppose that’s what you could call me.
@MissHelen – I’ll definitley try to get him to read it, but I doubt he will. He’s stubborn!
I’m at work so it’s hard to comment on everything right now. When I get home, I want to read thru everyones comments again.
Post # 14
My cousin and his wife did not get married in a catholic church and when they had their daughter they had to get married again in order to get her baptized in the catholic church. There “first” marriage was not recognized by the church.
Post # 15
I really, really, really think that this is something that you two need to work out before you get married. The two of you are pretty opposite on this, and it has the potential to tear your marriage apart or make you very resentful of each other.
I am going to say something, that I don’t mean to be inflammatory, so I hope you won’t take it the wrong way but…
Your post comes across like you don’t really respect his beliefs. You are looking for a way to make him agree with you. For some things, this is not such a big deal, but religious beliefs (even the lack of) are deeply personal. They are an integral part of his character. It is perfectly reasonable of him to want to raise his children with his own beliefs.
I’m not saying you are wrong to want your children to be religious, but you have to recognize that his beliefs are just as important to HIM as your beliefs are to you.
A compromise that I think is a good idea is that he allow you to have them baptised as infants (I believe Catholics do this? Correct me if I’m wrong…). Then you both keep doing what you are doing now as they grow up. You can each share your beliefs with them, and you can take them to church every once in a while (the way you currently attend). And then once the kids are old enough to understand the decision, they can decide at that point if they want to join the Catholic church or not.
That is just one idea. Whatever you decide, you both have to agree on it or you will have so much friction and resentment in your marriage once children come along.
Post # 16
This is just my personal opinion, notwithstanding my religious views: I think you should raise your kids with the ability to make that decision for themselves. Introduce them to the church, but also let your Fiance show them the other side of things. There is a great Richard Dawkins quote: “there are no religious children, only children of religious parents” – at a young age, you can believe that god loves them, but they haven’t truly been able to figure out what they believe. The best thing you can do for them is give them the tools to decide that for themselves.
ETA: I think it’s offensive to say better a religion than not. That’s implying that atheists don’t have a core philosophy that they live by, or that there is something fundamental missing in lack of a religion.