Batchalorette Weekend Norms?

posted 2 months ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Am I being u reasonable?
    Yes, find away to pay the $109 : (16 votes)
    24 %
    No, dont go. : (46 votes)
    69 %
    Other please explain : (5 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 16
    11469 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    Your friend and the maid of honor are being grossly rude and unreasonable in their self centered expectations. Bachelorette parties are not obligatory, and not even recognized “officially” as a pre-wedding event. Attendance and involvement are always optional.

    Over the top, out of town bachelorette weekends are unfortunately becoming all too common but no one can or should impose costs on people who have not had a say in the planning. Your friend should have been happy for you to participate in any part of the weekend. 

    They are 100% in the wrong. 

    Post # 17
    3090 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    They are being unreasonable and unfair. They know your financial situation. It boggles my mind that such long term friends would be anything less than accommodating. How rude! 

    The fishing portion is a big chunk of $. Perhaps you could skip that and just join for the Mani/pedis and beach stuff. Perhaps offer to cover pizza to the rental if you spend some time there on evening.

    Post # 18
    150 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2019

    I’m not sure if they are “the norm” I know a lot of girls who have done them, I’ve pretty regularly not gone because the cost and using my vacation time isnt really what I want to do. I think it’s becoming more commonplace for sure, lots of bachelor parties are weekends in Vegas or Miami (I’m from dallas) lots of bachelorette parties are Vegas or Nashville 

    Post # 19
    403 posts
    Helper bee

    I wouldn’t want to pay to stay in a house 5 minutes from my home if I was strapped for cash. These people are being very unreasonable and you should point out that they never asked you if you planned on staying there before picking the place and telling everyone the cost. If they’re really not ok with you joining in on activities in your town because you won’t pay $109 to watch a panty party I probably wouldn’t participate at all.  If they come around a bit I’d just join for the main event like dinner, fishing and beach time and otherwise not go to the house, OR offer to pay like $50 to help the group out if you were feeling very generous. 

    I have been to a lot of weekend long bachelorette parties to answer your question and there are always annoying things like this!!

    Post # 20
    1216 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    I did exactly the same thing when a friend had a “destination” bachelorette and I lived 10 mins away- granted they were all staying at a hotel so it didn’t make much difference in the total cost since I (and a couple of other invitees who crashed with me) would just be fewer rooms booked. And I could have afforded it- but that’s beyond the point! Regardless of how much $$ you make it just seems absurd to me in general to have to pay (and pack up your stuff, etc.) to stay 5 mins from your house. 

    Honestly, it’s not your fault that the price of the total accommodations will increase- then they should have checked with everyone beforehand before booking something. They don’t get to decide how much you’ll pay without your input. 

    Seems like the bride and maid of honor are getting far more invested in their perfect Instagram vision of what they want for the weekend rather than the actual practicalities of it all for people who are supposed to be their nearest and dearest. 

    Post # 21
    972 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2019

    I am so not a fan of “weekend getaway” bach parties, for this reason and a few others. It really doesn’t make sense for you to pay to sleep at the rental when you live so close, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You are also well within your right to decline attending any or all of the planned events, as well.

    Post # 22
    2356 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I’m sure you are not the only bridesmaid for whom the cost is an issue.  I think they’re out of line.  

    Post # 23
    1420 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    Uhh wtf to the bees saying you have to stay in the rental. You LIVE there. Why would you pay for a rental?

    I had my bach party in New Orleans (I used to live there and so did 3 of my bridesmaids) and one of my BMs still lived there. We got an Airbnb near her apartment. Did she stay with us? Of course not! She came over to hang out and we all went out together. 

    The point of renting a house is to provide a less expensive easier option for the out of town guests than individual hotel rooms would be. But the house isn’t the party. And if you don’t want to attend and pay for ANY portion of the weekend than you don’t have to. If they want to find a cheaper house that sleeps fewer people since you won’t be staying there, that’s their prerogative.

    Post # 24
    1696 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2019

    My guess is, other people are already complaining about the cost as splitting up your $109 between mulitple other people isn’t really a lot, if they could have already afforded it. (And as the Maid/Matron of Honor in other wedding parties, had this issue come up, I would have absorbed the $109 so other people didn’t have to have their rates increase.) So, my hunch is that the Maid/Matron of Honor scheduled all this stuff without asking about the budget of everyone first. And while it’s not cool to give you such a guilt trip after she planned a party no one could afford, I personally think that you just shouldn’t go. It will be a big issue all weekend, and they are clearly making a big deal out of it. If people are already struggling to pay, seeing you shell out money for mani/pedis and a fishing excursion but not putting in for the house will rub some people the wrong way (this is not correct, of course, but if that’s already the excuse they are using, I have a feeling it will come up. 

    It sucks, and it really sucks the bride is being such a PITA about this, but unfornately if you only go for part of it, I feel like it will cause more drama than it is worth. 

    Post # 25
    750 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    I think the issue here is that the panty party, board games and pool swim are only happening in the rental, contingent upon everyone chipping in toward the flat fee for having the rental. 

    If 5 people get mani pedis, each person pays for their own. 

    If 20 people or 1 person attend the panty party/ boardgames/ go swimming, the fee remains the same. 

    I can understand why the Maid/Matron of Honor would say everyone who is attending the house portion needs to chip in. I wouldn’t want to be one of 3 people paying for a house, only to have 10 people go swimming and hang out there late into the evening.   

    HOWEVER, they aren’t being good friends or particularly gracious about your financial situation.  If only one person couldn’t afford it, I’d probably just say it was fine and ask you to chip in toward snacks.   I don’t know if the Maid/Matron of Honor knows other people are likely to back out if their fees go up (if this fee is already the top end of their budget, they might), or if there are people in the group who would also prefer to stay elsewhere, leading to even MORE increased costs. 

    In your shoes, I’d probably go for one complete day with the cheapest activities (if I could afford it), and not go to the other. It sucks that you’re not in a career that pays well and sometimes that means you can’t afford to participate in the same activities as everyone else.  If the Maid/Matron of Honor or bride was nasty/ demanding, I wouldn’t go to any of it. 

    On the flip side, $109 per person for whole beach house for an entire weekend is a huge steal in my part of the country, so I’m wondering if the MOH/ Bride worked to keep costs down.  Even if you eat out dinners, you still have the option to snack and brunch at the beach house, bringing the price per person down quite a bit (compared to a standard hotel). I didn’t see any mention of going out for drinks/ dancing, which also leads me to think this was another concession to budget. Wine at the house + board games is definitely cheaper than a night on the town.  If this is a road-trip destination compared to a flight- destination for most, the price has also been reduced.  The party is also coming to your town, so you won’t have to fly/ drive far to get there.  Nobody wants to feel like a charity case, so even though I suspect the Maid/Matron of Honor is an a-hole, I seriously wonder if she organized this event with OP’s financial limitations in mind.  (At 28, it’s possible that most of the group has enough income for a much fancier celebration and are picking beachside boardgames as a compromise.)

    Post # 26
    1840 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    dancingfirefly :  Unforunately, with today’s “ME” culture, these bach weekends are becoming more of the norm. However, it is absolutely ridiculous for anyone to expect you to pay for nights at a house when you live 5 minutes away. And whether or not you swim there, or sit on the couch to watch a panty party or play board games, their cost is the same.  It doesn’t increase the cost of the house for you to participate in those portions, and they’ll be paying a larger portion if you don’t go anyway. So, fair isn’t a part of it. It’s simple math that the more people who need a place to sleep, the lower the price, and the less people, the higher the price. 

    Tbh, this whole thing would have me feeling petty and say again that I’d be attending other events, but not paying towards the house. If they stay firm that that’s “not fair,” then I for sure as hell would not go at all and not pay a dime. And with the bride being like that, I wouldn’t send her some apologetic bottle of wine for the weekend either. 

    Post # 29
    465 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    dancingfirefly :  Re: panty party

    I’ve never heard it called that, but I imagine it’s a lingerie shower? I went to one bachelorette party that had that. But in this case, maybe just a new pair of underwear. So at least that you should be able to find something on sale if you choose to participate. 

    Post # 30
    47145 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I don’t know about your Mom, but mine always told me that “everybody else is doing it” would never work as an excuse to her. It doesn’t matter what everyone else does.

    Bachelorettes are getting absurd. What used to be dinner and drinks, or just drinks, is now more costly than the other aspects of being a Bridesmaid or Best Man.

    This on them from the get go. The participants should have been consulted about their budgets before plans were made. No one is obligated to attend every part of a multi- event bachelorette.

    I would just send my regrets. The others will have to pay more for the fishing trip too, but the Bride and Maid/Matron of Honor won’t feel you are getting something for nothing.

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