Post # 1
Hi waiting bees!
Over the past few days I’ve seen a few posts from new bees about how they are waiting or sick of waiting. I was too when I first came on here and my SO and I had the talk about timelines a few months back. I realized in this conversation that from the beginning I hadn’t been clear about what I wanted. I just wanted to share and hope this helps someone.
For me, marriage was never important….until I met my SO. He knew it wasn’t important to me when we first got together because we had been friends first and he heard me say a lot of snarky things. My attitude changed about a year after we had been living together and I realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person. I started hoping for a proposal at every holiday and anniversary. Problem was, I never told SO this. So there I was in a waiting loop for about 3 years. Friends were getting engaged around me, I discovered Pinterest and made secret boards. I resented SO every time we went to a wedding. About a year ago I found the bee. I started lurking and then told my story. Other amazing bees gave me advice and told me I needed to have the timeline talk.
I didn’t go about the talk in the best way at first, alcohol was involved, and I ended up crying and not expressing myself clearly. I mostly remember SO looking at me and over and over again saying “Just tell me what you want.” A month later we brought it up again (sober as a bird this time. I find that helps) and I let him know.
- I love him and want to be with him forever.
- I want to marry you. Not get married in general I just want you.
- It’s important to me to have that commitment before we move across the country
- It’s important to me because I want to start a family. I don’t want to have kids first then get married. I grew up with parents who did that and always felt responsible when things werent quite working out between them.
It was really important to him that I not want to get married just to have a party. We both know women like that. I made it very clear that I would marry him with no ring, no party just us and I think that eased his mind. We set a timeline for June and it’s coming up! I’m #44 on the list but I don’t check it every week like I used to. I’ve subsequently deleted my secret Pinterest board. Originally we agreed to elope but he knows my family is important to me so we are going to do something small with immediate family only.
I guess the moral is you need to be clear with your SO about what you want and why. Marriage is a big deal and it’s been so glamorized by TLC and Pinterest that people forget that it’s really about two people not just one. Your SO has thoughts and feelings on the subject too. Since our timeline talk things have been much better and I just wanted to send a thank you out to the bees who helped me when I first got here.
Post # 2
MaddieM: Great post!! I found myself (induced by alcohol) CRYING over his lack of love for me, and him just repeatedly telling me, HE DOES LOVE, HE IS IN LOVE WITH ME, and me saying prove it. What does that even me?!?!
Long and short of it, I had to ask him – as clear as day – did he want marriage?! Did he foresee us being married?! What was his timeline vs. what was my own?! World of difference it made for me, and our relationship, and the ‘wait’.
Post # 3
I completely understand what you’re saying! My SO(now fiance) was scared. I think sometimes we forget how nerve-wracking and scary it can be for our partners to basically pledge their undying love for us by basically exposing all emotions. It can be scary to bare yourself to the one you love, even if the feelings are mutual. My fiance is a very reserved person, and he was terrified that he wouldn’t be able to live up the proposal standards he thought I wanted. I joined WB because I wanted support in my waiting period. I never realized my SO noticed that I was on this site. He basically became scared of all of the beautiful proposal/wedding stories. He thought I needed all of that. He asked me, “How can he live up to those expectations?” And that’s when I realized the hold up. I simply told him, I didn’t need all of that, if anything it would make me uncomfortable. Literally, 10 mins later as I was putting my coat on so we can go to dinner, he asked me to turn around and he was on a knee and he said, “Will you marry me?” There were no frills just the guy I love pledging his love for me.
I wrote all this because I agree with your method OP, but I also think it’s important to support your guy in this time. Yes, we do tend to become anxious, and some even angry wondering why we haven’t received a proposal. But I think it’s important to remember that we aren’t the only ones that are anxious or emotional. This is a HUGE life-changing stage for our partners too. It’s scary.
Post # 4
This is a great post and I totally understand what you’re saying. However, some people are VERY clear about what they want and it doesn’t matter. I was crystal clear about what my plans were and it doesn’t matter to him.
The proposal may or may not happen, and it if does miraculously appear, it’ll likely be years after we agreed to be engaged. Talk about frustrating. I have honestly given up, after having waited for well over a year. We had agreed on a date to be engaged by, so when a proposal hasn’t happened by then, I may just walk.
Post # 5
Totally agree with you on supporting your SO through this too. I realized I was just being so mean and resentful towards him for something he had no idea about! ::Kicks past self:: Poor guy, If I had been clear from the get go then it all probably would have happened about 2 years ago. He had no idea why I was being a total butt to him when he secretly wanted to move forward too!