Post # 1
I’m unsure of how to feel/react right now and would love some advice.
My Fiance needs to take an exam to advance in his career. Right now his salary is lower than mine but with the qualifications he will receive from passing this exam it will increase significantly. He has never been the best at studying and test taking, but made it through school and works in a profession that is completely hands on which he excels at. we really need the extra income, and this qualification will be great for his future career oppounities, and i really expected him to study hard and i felt like he didn’t put the effort into it that he should have.
he just got the results today that he failed. I don’t believe it’s because he doesn’t know the answers. but there is a big difference between knowing how to physically do something, and figuring out which multpile choice answer is correct the by way it’s worded. However, i know that if he realllly studied hard he could have passed. I even offered to help quiz him/help him study which he didn’t want. He is really upset now and said he feels like he let me down, and i don’t know what to say.
i know i should be supportive and tell him it’s ok and he isn’t dumb and life goes on. Failing sucks and i feel sad for him, but there is a part of me that feels like saying ‘see this is why i kept bugging you to study’. I know that will just make him feel worse though which i don’t want to do. in order for him to re – take the test, he will have to take another training course and it frustrates me that he didn’t take it seriously and now the consequences are no salary increase/additional training/paying to re-write the test.
How would you feel if you were in my situation? What would you say to him?
Post # 3
My Darling Husband is the same way, and all you can do is bite your tongue. Don’t be supportive, per se, but don’t berate him. He DID let you down, if he failed because he neglected to study.
How soon can he retest?
Post # 4
Be supportive. Getting angry will only make the situation worse and won’t accomplish anything.
Post # 5
I know what you mean, it’s kind of like those situations when we were younger and did something that we knew dispointed our parents. We didn’t get in trouble, but letting them down was punsihment in itself – i think thats how he feels so i don’t want to make it worse, but i also can’t pretend that it’s no big deal…because it kind of is, and it’s his own fault. At least he knows it without me having to say that to him.
i’m not sure when he can re-test but the course is a few weeks long and he won’t be able to register until the new year when he can coordinate his working hours with training hours.
Post # 6
Be supportive, but encourage him to study harder so he can pass next time. Don’t get angry with him because he probably is already angry with himself for failing. Do you know if there are any guidebooks or prep courses for this test? Those can be very helpful, especially for someone like your Fiance who isn’t the best test taker.
Post # 7
There are practice tests and a study book, it’s just a matter of him dedicating more time to it. Thanks for the comments, I know he can do it if he puts his mind to it, and I’ll try to be encouraging and reinforce that i believe in him – but he has to be dedicated. This isn’t a college test he can just cram for 2 days prior!
p.s sorry for all the ipad typos!
Post # 8
He probably knows he should have studied more. In situations like these, my approach is I support him even if no one else will.
After all, if you failed an exam, would you rather Fiance was supportive or angry?
Post # 9
The same thing happened with Darling Husband last year. He failed one half of a state licensing exam that he needed to advance in his career (he’s a commercial electrician). I supported him by asking when he was able to re-take the test and consistently bugging him to study for the re-take. He did pass on the second try and got a 10% salary increase.
Post # 10
my SO isnt like that but my dad is. My mom got him through two post grad degrees by letting him know that thier fates were intertwined. She made it clear that if he was to be with her, her standards were his and therefore he’d work as hard as she did (now they both are super educated and their kids too). So get him to your level, don’t goto his!
Post # 11
@Pink Asawa: I think this is also a good idea. Don’t comfort him by saying things like “it’s okay you did your best” because he didn’t do his best and I’m sure he knows that. You can still stay positive though by focusing on how he knows what to work on for next time and telling him that it’s important to you (both of you) that he take his career seriously.
Post # 12
I would be supportive for now, and if/when he starts talking about retaking the exam, then bring up study habits. But do it in a “would you like me to help you study a different way” rather than a confrontational tone.
I took my GMAT early this year, and really thought I failed, or that the score would be too low to get into grad school. I’m up at 2am doing homework for my MBA right now, so I did make it, but the suspense was awful, the thinking failure, so to actually not pass would be a big bummer, no matter how much effort is used.
Post # 13
Oh man, I know how you feel!!
But, you have to think, how would you feel in his situation? We all make mistakes. I don’t think telling him “See, I told you so” would be helpful. At the same time, you can’t really be totally supportive because he did mess up.
Post # 14
@subtlebee: Speaking of “getting to your level.”
I heard this speaker last night talking about how lots of students may be smart enough to get great grades & such, but only get Cs or Ds because that’s all they need to get to pass. He said, “if you set the bar higher, they will rise to meet it.”
Now, approaching this in a husband and wife relationship may be difficult because you don’t want to treat him like a child. But, it may be something to think about…
Post # 15
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
@paula1248: “He probably knows he should have studied more. In situations like these, my approach is I support him even if no one else will. After all, if you failed an exam, would you rather Fiance was supportive or angry?”
God I love this! I need to keep this as a mantra for my own life too. Thanks for the great words of wisdom.
Post # 16
I’d just be supportive. He already knows that you were right & he should have listened to you. I’m sure he does. Telling him this will only make him upset and angry, though.
He doesn’t need any more of a lesson than his failure has taught him.