Post # 1
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
So I am getting married in 36 days to the love of my life (yay!) I am also becoming a new step parent (I have no kids of my own) to a 6 year old little boy. I am scared to death. We get along great so I’m not too worried about that. I guess I’m just scared of becoming a new parent and what my boundaries are, how to discipline him, etc
My issue I guess is with the ex wife. I really think she takes advantage of how nice my Fiance is and tries to get as much money out of him as possible. I know that’s a terrible thing to say but it’s true. He drives 5 hours every other weekend to see him(he lives out of state). If his son wants to stay with us, she will not meet us half way. He has to drive 5 hours to go pick him and and 5 hours back. That’s 10 hours out of the weekend already, plus the drive back. Also his child support is not court ordered, so not only does he pay for most of the day care charges but I know he pays over what is mandated for child support. He carries him on his insurance (because she doesn’t have any). Not only that, I know he’s giving her extra money for clothes and such because she asks him to buy them. I mean, she works and lives with her parents. Isn’t that what child support is supposed to cover? His clothes, medical bills, and other necessities? Oh and she just got a new car… That makes 2 in a year.
Anytime I approach him about how wonderful and generous he is, and that maybe she is taking advantage of him, he gets really defensive and gets this “it is what it is” attitude. I don’t think it’s very fair that she basically can demand for whatever she wants and gets it. I’m not jealous of her at all… I just think she should be more self sustaining and not call the shots so much. Am I wrong to think this?
Post # 3
Member
662 posts
Busy bee
If supporting her isn’t crippling him financially I don’t see him stopping any time soon. You might see it as him spoiling her and letting her take advantage of him, but he might see it as placating her so they have the most amicable relationship possible for the sake of their kid. If the kid is over say, five years old, then that five hour drive back is a pain in the butt but it can still be used as bonding time.
As for parenting don’t stress about it. You’ll figure out where your limits are and your husband will guide you on the way he thinks you should mom his kid.
And no, child support is NOT supposed to cover her living expenses. Child support is supposed to go to the child for their schooling, clothing, food, toys, general well being. Him overpaying in child support to me says better about his character than if he penny pinched in this area.
Post # 4
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
I am in a similar situation except my stepson is 14 and we only have to drive 2 hours each way. I would tread carefully in this situation. Children are expensive and it’s the right thing to do to support him financially. I would never tell my husband to hold back on giving to his son. He’s a great kid and deserves to be taken care of well.
Post # 5
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
@Bunny82: thanks for your response! Don’t get me wrong… If he was a deadbeat dad and didnt pay anything, I would NOT be with him. He is an an amazing father and would go to the ends of the earth for his son… Which makes me love him even more. I guess I just don’t like the fact that she thinks she can get whatever she wants out of him. I know it’s to keep tension at bay, but I think it’s very frusterating and I wonder if she thinks she will be able to get more money once we have a “shared” income.
Post # 6
Member
11271 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
i can totally understand how you feel. to be honest, i would probably feel the same way in your shoes. it’s wonderful that he is taking care of his child and it sounds like he is going over and above what is expected of him financially. however, it’s really between your fi and his ex.
don’t you think that if this is an issue with you, and it obviously is, you should have discussed it with your fi and come to some closure before now? i am afraid that this is going to cause some friction in your marriage.
Post # 7
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
@turnertobe: very very true. He is an awesome kid and totally deserves it. I just find it agrrivating that we aren’t rich and she just can ask for whatever she wants and she doesn’t do her fair share at all.
Post # 8
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
@mypinkshoes: you are very right. I believe he knows how I feel about it, but I guess he thinks I have accepted it. Which I guess I should do or I’m going to resent this. I think I just wanted to know how other people have dealt with this. This is all very new to me so I guess I don’t know what’s “normal” and what’s not. 🙁
Post # 9
Member
504 posts
Busy bee
I would try and get over it as best you can. Kudos to your husband for putting his son first. It’s a shame mom doesn’t do the same.
Post # 11
Member
382 posts
Helper bee
Is there a reason why the child support isn’t court ordered? I work in Family Law, and it’s generally better to have visition and child support spelled out. He can always giver her more if he wants to.
Good Luck!
Post # 12
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
@bluewolverine: I’m actually a little fuzzy on those details. The visitation is spelled out I guess in case that becomes an issue, but that was something that was never court ordered because she knew if she took him to court over it, the courts would have him pay less (This is what ham assuming).
Post # 13
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee
I have a few comments. As a child of divorce (we lived with my mom, 5.5 hours away from my dad), a mother who has married a man who is not her childs father, and a woman who has been a step-parent.
1) Talk to the father about disciplining the child. Since he only visits on weekends while the fasther is there, I assume he would do most of the discipline. However, if the father is not there (went to the store, is in the shower etc.) it would be nice for you to know whether you should act on poor behavior, or wait and tell the father.
2) I think 5 hours is too far for the father to drive to visit. Who moved away? If the father did, this may explain why he is reluctant to speak up about the situation. If the mother is the one who moved away, I would urge him to speak with her about it. Meeting halfway is not unheard of. I am surprised it is not in the custody/visitation papers from the court.
3) Money is always one of those things. If he feels she is not asking for too much, then there really is not anything you can do. Personally, I feel that paying child support is not always enough. If he has the means to put the son on his insurance, then he should. Furthermore, if the child need additional things (school supplies, clothes, money for dance/singing/sports etc.), then I feel buying the items or paying directly to the school/company is sufficient. I would be weary to send additional money, questioning where it is going (mani/pedi, new rims etc.)
Post # 14
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
To avoid this kind of problem there should be a parenting agreement and child support papers through court. That way it’s as fair as it can be to everyone, and you can’t blame the other person, you can blame the system if you’re not happy.
Your Fiance made this problem for himself by not protecting himself financially in the first place. It also sounds like he feels guilty for having divorced, and is overcompensating. How long has he been divorced and why did the marriage end? Maybe he could still consider seeing a lawyer.
Post # 15
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
@LovelyLaura: thank you Laura. This gives me some insight. He moved away for a promotion in his career which was with the company he had been with several years. So yes, maybe he is feeling some guilt over that.
She is always posting about new things she has bought, hair, nails, etc. When she got the new car she asked his son not to tell my Fiance about it which I thought was strange. He never pays the money directly to the school it is always to her.
Post # 16
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
@squishee: They have been divorced for 5 years, right after his son was born.
