(Closed) becoming a stay at home mom…

posted 4 years ago in Babies
Post # 2
2554 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

If you’re able to, what about doing part-time? Then you get the best of both worlds, keeping your job and being with your child. This doesn’t work with all jobs/careers of course.

Post # 3
1901 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Franklin Plaza

I agree with NewfieBullet:. Is going back part-time an option? I know that my company will sometimes work with full-time employees and allow them to stay on part-time. Darling Husband and I have gone back and forth on the issue because I don’t make a lot of money and my paycheck will basically cover the cost of childcare. That being said, I don’t know if I want to be a full-time Stay-At-Home Mom and completely leave the work force. I am hoping to work out a part-time schedule with my company when Darling Husband and I have kids. 

Post # 4
108 posts
Blushing bee

Do you have any family that you would trust to take care of your child? If so, maybe that would help with the cost of daycare. We are very lucky that my mother is with us and can watch our son while I work part-time, which has worked our perfect for us. My work schedule is really ideal for our situation, so I get to be with my son as much as possible (I even go home for lunch on days I work) but I’m also able to contribute to the savings account which makes me feel really good since my husband makes a substantial amount more than me. After my son was born, my husband expressed his want for me to stay home. He didn’t tell me how much it meant to him before my son was born so I was pretty taken by it but I think we’ve found a sweet spot. 

Post # 5
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I stay home during the week and work retail on weekends, that way dd doesn’t have to go to daycare. If I worked full time I would earn just enough to pay for daycare , if there were extra it wouldn’t be worth it to us to put her in daycare. 

That being said, staying with her during the week is the greatest thing EVER. I get to watch her grow and explore the world all day, I git to see her roll over for the first time, saw her first steps, all of which she did during the day. If I worked full time I would have missed all of that.  For us, having a parent at home with our kid(s) is far more important than two incomes and my work experience. 

You’ll need to do some soul searching to see what you want. Is it possible to work part time?

Post # 6
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Kslim13:  I’m not a mom, but my husband and I have talked at length about this. Since daycare can be soooo expensive and I really want to take some time to be with our future kids when they are born, I’ll probably become a stay at home mom at least for a little while. The way I see it is that I’ll be at home, but my job may want to hire me on a part-time contract basis after a few months, or else I’ll volunteer in my field (non-profit/arts) to continue gaining experience and not completely leave the workforce. I definitely have a fear of not being able to get a job after kids, but I think there are so many ways to prepare myself so that I don’t have that problem.

Fall_In_Love22:  I definitely want to be stay at home at first for those reasons – seeing my future kids learn and grow. We definitely feel that having a parent at home is important, especially at first. Of course, it’s not absolutely required to raise a good kid… I was in daycare at 2 weeks old and I like to think that I turned out just fine. 🙂

Post # 7
3378 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I’m not sure what your career is and whether it would be possible, but could you possibly continue to do some work remotely?  Part-time is a great option, as others have mentioned, but my plan is to actually work part-time from home.  I’m finishing my doctorate right now and plan to eventually go back as a full-time professor, but while I’m at home with my baby/babies, I’ll be teaching one or two classes at a time online.  Luckily, I have a good relationship with my university where I’m earning my PhD, and I will continue to teach for them as an adjunct.  I also plan to continue to participate in other career-development activities, like writing articles and submitting papers to professional conferences.  Depending on your career, could you stay home but continue supplemental career developmental or continuing education opportunities to stay active in your field?

Post # 8
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2025

Kslim13:  Fiance and I have talked about this also, and he actually brought up a very good points about the pros. We would be losing approx 1/3 of our income if I stopped working, BUT the $ value of a stay at home mom might be equivalent to my income, if not more. So here’s what Fiance said:

First off, who would take better care of your child – you or the day care center? Even if your parents were to babysit, you could be missing out on the first step, first word, first (insert one time event here). Is it worth missing these things in order to make money?

Secondly, if you were at home, you’d have more time take care of your family (cooking at home more  instead eating out or leftovers). A healthier lifestyle is a benefit that can’t be quantified. 

Ultimately, I believe if you’re going to have children (for the right reasons), you will need to sacrifice your own wants (having a career, being able to afford luxury items, etc) for them. With that being said, if you NEED two incomes to survive, then you probably don’t want to quit your job. 

Post # 9
11054 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Kslim13: I hear you completely. We were TTC for a year but I stopped in March, it became disheartening and I thought ‘do I want to give up my life’. It’s so hard as now I do occasionally wonder ‘it’d be nice to have offspring’, like a PP said I think soul searching may be in order, it takes time though. 

Post # 10
1246 posts
Bumble bee

Compared to childcare costs would you really be losing that much money?  Also consider,  if you left your job because he wants it, would you end up resenting your husband? 

Post # 11
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m not a stay at home mom, but I think you should do what feels right to you in your heart and your gut. If you don’t want to give up your career, then you shouldn’t. It’s not always just about the money or security. It’s about the personal fulfillment you get by working, using your talents, etc. It’s good that you and your Fiance are having this discussion before you get married! I hope you’re able to talk about it more.

Post # 12
2847 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am a better mom because I work, plain and simple.  I have no desire to stay at home.  I think I set a better example for my daughter (and my son) by using my education and practicing in my field.  If you like your career and would resent leaving it, don’t.  I know several people who HATED being SAHMs and were much happier when they returned to work.

In any event, I do have a cautionary tale about stepping out of the workplace.  My law school friend quit her job to stay home.  She had 3 kids.  She was completely out of the workforce for 10 years.  Her husband up and left her.  She could not find a job as a lawyer and had to take a job as a paralegal.  I never think it’s a good idea for a woman to be completely dependent on a man.  Shit happens.  Life happens.

Post # 14
5570 posts
Bee Keeper

Kslim13:  (Sorry in advance for my super LONG reply here.)

I never expected to become a stay-at-home mom. All the way through Darling Husband and I dating, being engaged, and then (literally) years of trying to get pregnant, I always said I would go back to work after having children. Darling Husband was super sweet and basically took the position that he didn’t have any opinion on it at all. He was fine either way.

It took us sooooo long to get pregnant. (4 years!) And, right when I finally did get pregnant, we had moved from one state to another. I was a lawyer in my previous career. The state I moved to didn’t offer licensing reciprocity with any other states, so I would have had to take a whole new bar exam to get licensed. Darling Husband was making really good money (still is), so we talked about it again and decided it made the most sense for me to stay at home with our daughter. And so that’s what I did.

Would I still do it the same way? Yes, I think I would. For us, it makes sense to do it this way. My husband works very long hours — often he doesn’t get home until 9 or 10 at night, and he travels a lot for work, too. If both of us worked, because we were both in the same type of career, our hours would likely be similar. In our minds, it didn’t feel do-able to handle things that way. For others, I’m sure it works out just fine. I’m only talking about what worked for us in our particular situation. I am so grateful for all the time I have for Dirty Delete. I love that she knows someone is always home and waiting for her or available if she needs them. This is the way I grew up, and the way Darling Husband did too. So that, also, makes it feel like the right choice for us. 

But it isn’t a perfect situation, either. There are downsides. Darling Husband and I both miss having two incomes, particularly since we live in an expensive part of the country. We would be able to travel more and have a much bigger house if I worked. And, even though I hated my career, it is HARD and often depressing not to work. In our society, it seems a person’s whole value is wrapped up in what kind of job they have. It’s all people want to hear about, and it’s typically the first thing anyone asks when you first meet. This is especially true where I currently live, because people are very competitive here. (And there are a LOT of jerks, too.) So not working outside the home sometimes makes me feel like I don’t really exist in other people’s opinions and minds. I’m also not well-suited to the whole staying home thing. I am the least domestic person in the universe. I don’t enjoy cleaning or laundry or cooking or shopping for the food or running the errands or … (all of it). I do all of it. But I don’t love it. Also, I can feel scared and nervous about not working, particularly since I have been out of the workforce for a LONG time (DD just turned 11). It scares me to think what might happen if, Heaven forbid, something happens to Darling Husband or if we separated. We have a very, very strong marriage and relationship. We’ve been married for 16 years but together for 24, total. But you never know what might happen. The world is a crazy place and life can be crazy, too.

So, yeah … there are good parts to it. But there are bad parts, too. It’s really not an easy decision. And it can feel like a big sacrifice, all around. (Meaning on the part of both parties involved in the decision.)

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