(Closed) Becoming a step parent…give me your advice!

posted 8 years ago in Parenting
Post # 17
Member
977 posts
Busy bee

@luvmesumhim  🙂  You’re doing the right thing. Just stay civil. It’s very hard, especially for me it was. I’ve learned to choose my battles after a blow up.

I blew up on my xDH’s wife, which was his girlfriend at the time, or shall you say fiance (eye roll), for showing up at my son’s parent meet the teacher night for kindergarten right before the school year started, in front of EVERYONE. I didn’t see a need for her to be there, i think it was out of spite.  It’s not really her place, maybe now that they are officially married, yes, I can be a little more flexible with her showing up at “certain” things.  Anything said there, my xDH could have given her information at home.  She has 3 other kids attending that same school, so she could have gotten information from her own kids classes.  I think after that, she knew not to cross lines with me, but I did apologize to her a week afterwards….plus, I was pms’ing, which didn’t make the matters any better…LOL 

I guess when it comes to punishing the kids or whatever, be sure to consult with him on what him and his x would have done in that situation. Since, as far as i know, you aren’t bringing children into this from a previous marriage, it will be easier for you two to set rules and keep previous rules for the kids that they were used to.

My kids, 3 more kids came into the picture at their dads, with a whole new set of rules. They got and are confused. I feel bad for them.  It’s hard.  

Hope all goes well. Just stay civil and friendly 🙂

 

Post # 18
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

View original reply
@jmaze:  My stepchildren’s mom doesn’t even know their teachers’ names this year. So I guess it can depend on the level of involvement from the biological parent too. If they are with me 50/50 (as the original poster said, though mine are always with us), I would be front and center for teacher conferences. They do need to know what’s going on with the child. As we have all mentioned, there are several factors that go into it. If I see their mom with an “I LOVE MY KIDS” t-shirt on, I will hurt her. She has 5 boys and only 2 live with her… not mom-of-the-year material

Post # 19
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee

My biggest issue with my stepmom is that she despises my brother and I because we don’t do what she wants us to do (I’m 21 and he’s 19) in our life plans (mind you, I’ve graduated from college which she didn’t and he’s in college) and uses that as her excuse for not liking us. Mainly, she wants my dad for her parent’s father (their bio dad is abusive and in jail and hasn’t seen them since they were 2 and 4). So definitely, just be respectful and encourage a healthy, supportive relationship between him and his kids. Don’t overstep boundaries because they HAVE a mom. This doesn’t mean you aren’t important or that you have no say, but you aren’t there to replace anyone, you’re there to add something. You can be a huge support and are there to reinforce what the parents have already put in place. If you have an issue, talk to you boyfriend about it and he can address it. 

Your situation is very different than mine, because we have full custody of my stepdaughter and her bio mom lives across the country and doesn’t bother to call (or even send birthday/christmas cards this year like she said she would), so my stepdaughter sees me as her mom. I still NEVER say anything bad about her bio mom (or other mom from when she was a baby as she calls her) and she knows she can ask me anything about her. I know that someday she may want to meet her (it’s more like being an adoptive mother in my case) and so I want her to know that I fully support her relationship with her bio mom if that’s what she wants. I think the most important thing a step mom can do is be supportive of the family that the children already know and love. 

Post # 20
Member
925 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

My dad and mom were never married and he married my step-mom when I was four. As many PPs have said, do not try to be/replace their mother. By acting like my friend, my step-mom, in turn, became like a sister. Unfortunately, my father and step-mom are in the middle of a (nasty) divorce, but I still keep in touch with her, just like before. I value her presence in my life.

But, yes, it sounds like you’re doing just fine so far!

ETA: And NO, never say anything bad about their mother! THAT would’ve caused a huge rift in our relationship. I know this is rare, but my mom and step-mom are actually quite civil to each other (bordering along the line of “friends”) 🙂

Post # 21
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think the advice is this thread is awesome.  The only thing I want to caution is the idea of being seen as a friend.  That works really well with older kids, but you don’t want them to see you as just a friend/buddy because that could put you in some really difficult situations when they are teenagers when they test boundaries. Friends don’t rat you out when you’re sneaking booze in the house or a girlfriend/boyfriend into the house, but a stepparent should. You don’t want to find yourself in the position of hearing, “C’mon, don’t tell Dad, it was just a few beers.  You said you were my friend why are you being such a bitch now?”

 

I think it’s important you and your partner are on the same page with rules & make sure that the kids know that when they’re young.

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