Post # 1
I have been dealing with intimacy issues between myself and my fiancé. We have been together for 9 years now and we’re planning on getting married this October. The last few months we have fought about how I don’t make him feel wanted. We don’t have sex unless he initiates. I am currently working on myself and my issues that has caused this triumph in our relationship. The issue I am seeing now is that he doesn’t try to make time for us. He is a local truck driver but is on the schedule of a normal over the road driver. From the time he gets off from a days work he has exactly 10 hours until he goes in the next day. The only real time we have together is Saturday nights and all day Sunday.
Saturday night is his night off so to speak. But by the time I can get out one year old in bed and I am in a relaxed state, he is already in the state of passing out from being up for a long period of time. Here recently he has been going hunting with a friend each weekend. This makes it to where he leaves us on Sunday and won’t come back home until late afternoon Monday. How am I supposed to fix this if he has no want to be here to get the issue fixed?
I am not rich by any means so the ability to go to someone to talk about this stuff with is out of the question. I know I have my issues and his concerns of being in a sexless marriage, but I need advice on how I’m supposed to fix that with someone who is never here.
Thank you in advance.
Post # 2
Have you asked him what his suggested solution would be? Seems bizarre he would complain when he’s never around anyways. I would suggest asking him what his ideal solution is, at least so you can see what his expectations may be, and then work from there on a suitable compromise…
Post # 3
it seems that whenever I bring this conversation up it turns in to an argument. I will see how it goes tomorrow when I bring it up. Thank you 🙂
Post # 4
Check out the book The 5 Love Languages. It sounds like your SO’s love language may be physical connection and your love language might be the one that’s more about intimacy and connection. That could contribute to some disconnect you two are experiencing.
Post # 5
Why does it normally turn into an argument when you bring it up? How do those conversations normally go?
Is it possible that he’s not necessarily looking for you to initiate sex, but to touch him more and make him feel more loved in general? His feelings about not being wanted may be in regards to more than sex, even if he hasn’t communicated that to you.
I am curious if the reason the conversations turn to arguments is because he knows that he’s gone so much, so it is frustrating for him that he doesn’t feel wanted but that there’s so little you can do to change that. Or on the flip side, perhaps you aren’t phrasing things as best as you could and it makes him defensive.
When you two talk about this, don’t blame each other. Based on what you’ve said, he’s blaming you for this. And from your post it seems like you kind of blame him. You need to have a healthy conversation about how to help each other. Discuss your perspectives on what could be better. Aim to end those conversations with a solid plan as to how to move forward.
“Hey, can we please talk about the intimacy issues we’ve been having? I really want to figure out a solution that we can work towards. I love you so much, and I’m wondering if you could think of some things I can do to help you feel more wanted? Or something specific I should do to initiate sex? And when do you think I should try to initiate? Sometimes I feel like blah blah blah, and if you could do this it would help me a lot.”
Post # 6
How are you bringing it up? I think there are ways to start these conversations right and wrong. Attacking right off the bat, is a sure way of causing arguments. My husband used to be on call when he would have 10 hours exactly before each shift and could work up to 12 hours each call. Needless to say time was short and he wasn’t given set days off. He could work 7 days straight before he legally was given 2 days off. Communication is going to be your biggest ally. It’s great that you know your down falls and are starting to work on them. Maybe start the next conversation off with what differences or changes he would like and LISTEN to him, before bringing up you what would like and how you guys can meet in the middle.
Post # 7
I’m not engaged so maybe I have less knowledge & experience to be giving advice.
But I just want to say that your schedule differences aren’t as bad as you may think. He has 10 hours until he has to go in again? Wow, that’s plenty of time!! He also has regular days off on the weekend. Who cares if he takes 1 day away to himself. Also I’m assuming he works regular day hours and you get to sleep together in the same bed at night? Please consider yourself blessed.
I started a new job working noc shift 11pm-7am these past 2 months. The pay is better than my last job, but the hours suck. My days off rotate, and I work holidays since it’s a hospital. My bf works day hours and has regular weekends off. We don’t get to be intimate anymore! Only on the rare day we get to sleep in the same bed on my day off, if he’s not too tired from work. And he does overtime a lot because he’s in debt, so I get to see him for 2hrs at home before I have to leave for work.
Try to initiate more. Be thankful you have as much time together and opportunities as you do. I would kill for day job hours even if it means getting a 2 hr commute in traffic so I can be with my bf.
Post # 8
Just remember those 10 hours include sleeping. And since he is operating heavy machinery his sleep is very important. So, say he sleeps 8 hours day or night since we don’t know his shifts, that’s potentially 2 hours of free time during the day. Same as you currently have.
Post # 9
he goes to bed around 6-7p at night and will have to get up anywhere from 1130p to 2a. We also have the one year old so it’s like, do I lock her in her play pen somewhere? So I can work around his schedule?
Post # 10
Do you work? Because if you don’t, you can always get up when your husband does and initiate a morning quickie and make him breakfast or lunch…. when you take a shower does your babe go in the shower with you or a playpen? Would 10-15 minutes in a playpen with a baby monitor be a horrible thing?
I think there are ways to make things work, but you have to be willing to try.