Post # 1
Sorry for the anonymous post but I felt this is sensitive enough to warrant it.
My Fiance and I have been together for almost 3 years now, engaged for about 9 months. We have a substantial age difference (he is around 15years older) but our relationship is perfect and we are completely comfortable and happy with each other. There is however one issue which is persistent.
My Fiance suffers for erectile dysfunction. Due to his shy personality he hasn’t had much experience with relationships at all levels before we got together but he says he’s had ED issues previously as well. Earlier in our relationship I went through the confidence issues, worrying that it’s because of me etc etc. He has also gone to the doctor who surprisingly gave him Viagra and various sprays. The doctor also sent him to counselling which he only attended once. He was basically told we need to keep trying things in the bedroom without pressure for actually having sex until he’s more comfortable and doesn’t feel stressed. Basically, in all the consensus from him and the doctors is that it’s psychological. (he had nevertheless testicular cancer and subsequent surgery to remove one testicle previously so I’m not fully convinced that it’s just psychological)
But anyway, we have tried various things and I ve tried to make him more comfortable and not have expectations, but by now I have basically got pretty tired of trying and failing and I don’t even feel like doing anything in the bedroom. We might try once a month or so, usually without success and that’s about it. I don’t really know what to do from here or how to improve things. If not for having a decent sex life, I’d at least like to have kids eventually…
Should I try get him back to the doctor or counselling? Should I get him to use Viagra on a regular basis? Have any of you had similar issues? I know this is not a temporary phase that will go away. And he doesn’t seem to be that worried about it anymore, he has basically settled into the current situation. I can really use your advice bees…
Post # 3
You definitely need to find a new doctor, as well as a new therapist. I would strongly, with all my education, recommend a sex therapist who is certified through AASECT (http://www.aasect.org/) as they will have waaaay more training and experience. If one doesn’t fit with you, try a different one. Finding a good therapist is like finding the right deal on a car, you have to shop around! Come up with some questions that can assist you in figuring out if the therapist is right for you two and ask them in the first session.
Next, I would recommend Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. It’s highly respected in the Sex Therapy field as well as in the Marriage & Family Therapy field. It was written by a sex therapist for his clients. I’ve read it for graduate coursework and it is amazing! It’s very frank, but it deals with all sorts of problems including ED, vaginismus, infidelity, premature ejaculation, etc. It has changed my relationship and many others and it has the potential to help your sex life. It sounds as if this was a physical problem that turned into a psychological problem, which is very very common. But, you can’t rule out the physical issue still sticking around. So if you try everything to treat it psychologically and it doesn’t work, then it’s physical; if you try everything physically to fix it, then it’s psychological. But, it’s also not that easy because if it’s 50-50 or 60-40, it won’t help to work on just one aspect.
PM me if you have any questions about finding a therapist or using the book. I’d be happy to help you!
Post # 4
I have NO training or experience in giving sexual advice, but I would say that if I were in your shoes, and there is ONE thing I would try, it would be to masterbate (maybe using a toy) and have him watch. Essentially it completely takes the focus away from him and he need not feel any pressure to do anything at all. You get to climax, & he might be extremely turned on. Maybe try letting him get aroused but then not necessarily having sex. The stage fright could make him soft again..
Post # 5
How old is he and how long has he had ED?
I’d definitely seek another medical opinion (or perhaps more). See if you can find a doctor that specializes in ED.
I’ve heard ED is more common if a guy is overweight or has unhealthy arteries (blocked arteries = loss of blood flow).
Post # 6
Thank you all for the advice. I guess I just need to take the plunge and find him a better doctor. My Fiance is 42 and fairly active and healthy in terms of lifestyle so I imagine it’s not due to weight issues. I suspect is at least partially psychological which means it will take some work for us to have a normal sex life.
Unfortunately I’m not in the US so not sure if there’s an AASECT equivalent in my country. But I will have a look. Hopefully we can improve things.