Bee Needs Advice

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
6606 posts
Bee Keeper

Since you are religious I would suggest talking to your religious leader. This is not something I’d be able to move past, considering how many times he lied and broke your trust. A breakup is much cheaper than a divorce. Can you imagine the rest of your life checking his phone, asking him 12x if nothing happened, downloading new apps to keep blocking stuff. Bee that is so much work l! An addict is an addict and will always be an addict. Please think long and hard if this is something you want to commit to for the rest of your life.

Post # 4
Member
648 posts
Busy bee

Once trust is lost it can be near impossible to get back. It’s horrific to live with, I did it for a few years. Did not trust him at all and had the reasons for it. It’s no way to live, that’s for sure. Of course you can work at trying to get it back, but it might not happen. You might be suspicious why he’s taking so long in the bathroom, or why he has a new social app on his phone and it can eat you alive. I’d try really hard in counseling, perhaps regular couples counseling too and not just the premarital. But if you end up not being able to get it out of your head it’s not your fault. Once trust has been broken it’s very hard to repair. Even when you love someone. 

Post # 5
Member
9688 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

If it’s an addiction then he needs to be getting help, which means talking to someone about it.

He’s shown you throughout your entire relationship that he can’t keep a promise and that he is a liar. This isn’t one incident to forgive, it’s forgiving a pattern of behavior and truly believing that behavior has stopped. Honestly, I don’t think you can do it with outside help. You shouldn’t wait and see if it comes up in premarital counseling. You need to bring it up. 

Post # 6
Member
1086 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

It’s ok to reach out for help Bee. If there’s a part of you who wants this to work and wants to stay with him, he needs to understand he can’t do it alone, or just with you. The most important (and hardest) thing is acknowleding you need the help. Just because it’s not a substance that’s killing him doesn’t mean it’s not a dangerous addiction. But as PPs have said, you’ll be killing yourself with worry, jealousy, anger if you stick it out as it is.

I am a big proponent of rehabilitation for addiction – but to do so you need the help of professionals. Again, it’s ok to reach out, don’t ever feel any shame or sense of “giving up” by doing so. 

Post # 7
Member
2131 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Porn is a horrible addiction. I dated a guy in college who was a porn addict. Back in those days, he was addicted to phone sex. He got rid of his phone line. Of course, that wasn’t a “cure.” It was just something temporary. Once he got a phone line again, it all started up again. He spent hundreds of dollars/month on porn. I talked to a counselor about it and was told that it is an insidious addiction. 

My boyfriend ended up cheating on me and I left him. It was not anyway for me to live—always trying to check up on him and figure out what he was sneaking when I wasn’t wrong. It was unhealthy and codependent. I suggest you get your own counseling and learn more about this. 

Post # 8
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - UK

If he truly has an addiction, and he wants to break it, he needs to seek professional help from someone specializing in addiction. Addiction is never truly a problem with the substance your addicted to, that is just a way of dealing with a underlying problem. And by removing the porn completely but not addressing the underlining problem you risk that a porn addiction will get replaced with just another addiction. 

Porn, like a gaming addiction, gambling, social media or even and exercise addiction, are instant gratification addictions. Giving you that little hit of endorphin to make you feel that life is fine when in reality it isn’t.

Getting a porn blocker and doing bible readings wont help because its not addressing the problem. And the most difficult thing is that people addicted to things like this often don’t know what the problem actually is because for years, or all there lives, they have just found ways to block it.  

 

My Fiance was slipping into a gaming addiction a few years ago. It took me a very long time to convince him to go seek profecional help. I even helped him choose a counsellor that would suit him and made sure he made the appointment. He was a bit reluctend to go, thought it would not acieve much, but knew he had to do something. He himself now says its the best thing he ever did.

If this is a addiction he truly wants to break he needs to accept this is not something he can fix himself. This has nothing to do with toughening it out or pushing through it. In fact that risks to only make it worse. Find professional help, someone who specializes in something like this, and someone he feels comfortable with. This can mean trying out a few people until he finds the person he clicks with. For my Fiance for example it had to be a woman (he finds it easier to talk openly to women) and someone who is straight forward and doesn’t try to soften there words.  

Post # 9
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

Even if he finds counsel by read the Bible or some other religious texts, installing a net nanny or porn blocker.   He WILL find other ways to access porn.  It sounds like he has an addiction and he should see a trained professional therapist who can give him tools to break the addiction.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019
  • zias is right on here, Bee. 

Unfortunately, if your fiance has a true addiction, which it sounds like he does, you are not equipped to help him recover from it. That is not meant as an offense, it is meant to take some of the guilt and burden off of you that you may be feeling. You are not equipped to deal with an addiction, but professionals are. 

If he really cares about you, he will seek treatment. Right now, as painful as it is, you are enabling his addiction by staying with him. Right now, there are no consequences for the negative behavior. I’m not saying leave him right now, that is your choice, but that is the reality that you may one day have to face. It’s your sanity, or his. He is going to have to put in work to keep this relationship. Is he in denial? If he’s in denial it will be hard for him to quit because it means he doens’t realize he has a problem. People who are addicted have to know they have a problem in order to really work on it. 

Addictions do not get better without treatment, I am speaking from personal experience. 

Post # 12
Member
6169 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

So, in order to be with this guy you have to act like his mother, his therapist, his guidance counselor, his addiction coach AND his spiritual coach? All while you struggle with your lack of trust in him? That’s a whole lot of work involved in being with one single man. Do you have a job? Do you intend to have children one day? Why are you making him your personal growth project?

You can love people and wish them well and also know that a relationship with them isn’t good FOR YOU, even if a relationship with you might be beneficial for them.

Post # 13
Member
754 posts
Busy bee

 

zias :  “Addiction is never truly a problem with the substance your addicted to, that is just a way of dealing with a underlying problem. And by removing the porn completely but not addressing the underlining problem you risk that a porn addiction will get replaced with just another addiction. 

Porn, like a gaming addiction, gambling, social media or even and exercise addiction, are instant gratification addictions. Giving you that little hit of endorphin to make you feel that life is fine when in reality it isn’t.

Getting a porn blocker and doing bible readings wont help because its not addressing the problem. And the most difficult thing is that people addicted to things like this often don’t know what the problem actually is because for years, or all there lives, they have just found ways to block it.”

TwilightRarity :  “You can love people and wish them well and also know that a relationship with them isn’t good FOR YOU, even if a relationship with you might be beneficial for them.”

 

Totally agree with these two!

 

 

Post # 14
Member
2081 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“So, in order to be with this guy you have to act like his mother, his therapist, his guidance counselor, his addiction coach AND his spiritual coach? All while you struggle with your lack of trust in him? That’s a whole lot of work involved in being with one single man. Do you have a job? Do you intend to have children one day? Why are you making him your personal growth project?”

Exactly. I want my partner to be my equal. I want us to be a mutual support for each other and to be on the same general emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual playing fields. Sometimes one partner will need more help than another, and that’s fine. It’s part of life. When I was very sick, I needed my partner’s help more than he needed mine for quite a while.

What I don’t want to be, however, is my partner’s mother, monitor, disciplinarian, and punisher. And it does seem like you are signing up for that, Bee — especially since he doesn’t seem keen on getting himself help (will only discuss with a pastor if he brings it up, etc.). He needs to help himself before you can even try to help him.

Post # 15
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

He sounds like a guy who will do and say whatever it takes to keep you, until he decides he needs a fix.  This same pattern is playing out again, exactly where is your boundary?  At what point do you see yourself saying “this is the last straw”?  

If you’ve already thought that phrase and then took him back, you have a problem too.  You’re either an enabler or you fear being alone.  I think you need to get help all by yourself.

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