(Closed) Bee Slap me

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 91
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

In retrospect I think my husband was a little like this in our relationship (sometimes putting himself first and the mind set of spliting things evenly) so I have been there!  However, over the years he has done a total 360 since the first year we were dating.  Now he insists that I have the nicer car, all our money is together, etc. so I don’t think he is a “bad” guy.  He probably has been burnt many times (maybe by his ex-wife?) that he just wants to protect himself and his assets because he might have lost a lot in his divorce?  Idk maybe have a long converation about this with him and expectations?

I don’t think he is a bad person, but I think you need to stop being his hot, tenant paying for everything!

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by .
Post # 92
Member
9262 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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Mayablue6:  “He has toys- sports car, motorcycle, boat, jacked up truck, etc.” — This isn’t frugal. He can afford it, so there’s nothing wrong with him having toys, and you can bet your ass I would too if I could, but it ain’t frugal is all I’m saying. Well-thought-out-purchases, yeah sure, maybe. Frugal, nope. And vacation homes are indeed frivolous. Again, not saying he’s wrong for having them, but your perspective of this guy seems really off. It seems like he’s frivolous with himself but frugal with you. That would make me sad.

Post # 93
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

I feel like he is sytematically testing you to see how much he can get away with and how much you will allow. The *accidently calling you by his ex-wife’s name* thing. I dunno. I could see that happening once and he should’ve been properly and thourough ly mortified and apologetic. To follow it up by carving her initials? That feels deliberate. Oh he was just concentrating soooo hard he forgot who he was expressing love for??? What the fuck. No. I don’t buy it. I think that was a little sadistic streak in him showing itself. And for him to give you the silent treatment for 12 hours for expressing how it made you feel? Can’t you see where this is going? He’ll make you feel like crap, you’ll tell him it isn’t okay and he’ll punish you for an extended amount of time.

He is all about *yours* and *his*. That will be the division for all time. Your kids and his kids. You buy for your kids at Christmas and he’ll buy for his, 3 times as much. You’ll buy for your grandkids and he’ll buy for his, 3 times as much. The whole thing is going to make people feel awkward and uncomfortable. Except *his*. *His* will feel just fine thankyouverymuch.

You’ll take seperate family vacations since you can’t afford his. Presumably though, becasue he won’t want to take vacations alone, he’ll pay to take you to great places, but without your kids. Effectively driving another nice wedge between you and your own kids. Because they’re already second-class citizens in their own home. Taking lesser vacations alone with you while their step-siblings are living it up with him. And watching you go off and have fabulous vacations with him.

You know that’s how it’ll go. All the way through to grandkids down the road. And I know you don’t want to think of this but it will build up some feelings in your kids. This will not be a blended family. It won’t.

My husband and I are 50 and 55. Our kids were all adults and long out of the house when we met. His daughter an only child and my two a few years older than her. You know what? There is no division. We refer to them as *our* kids, we help them all out the same, the grandkids are our grandkids and our gift budgets are the same for all of them. And for their spouses and children. In other words, the kids, stepkids, and kids-in-law and step-kids-in-law are all the same in our eyes. It has created the biggest, happiest inclusive family. Our 3 kids were the witnesses on our marriage license and we had an extra witness line added to it specifically for this purpose.

I assume that is what you wanted for your family. Is that the way it’s turning out? Because I sense from your posts that this is the thing that will kill you the most as time goes on. That clear and distinct division between *yours* and *his*. And the impression that will leave on your kids. I suspect that 10 years down the road, that will be yur biggest regret, if you stay.

Post # 94
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee

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Mayablue6:  ugh ok…

I dont think he is a bad person. I think this is just the way he is wired and maybe his personality is selfish, but i hope he is not this way intentionally. The money thing, it is weird and not fair. He seems to view it as fair as everything is cut right down the middle – but that is how room mates are, not family. Families can try to keep everything separate, but it eventually gets muddled. 

SO and I generally have amounts we agreed to pay for when moved in together, but honestly they change every month and we split a lot of things. I pay for our car insurance, he pays for our phones. I pay a little less than half of our rent (there have been months i paid exactly half and there have been months i paid almost nothing) we both buy groceries “You bought the dog food and dinner last night – ill get the groceries today” It is a constant compromise based on whatever life throws at you that week/month or whatever.

I do not agree with him viewing things as “yours and mine” i know it can be harder with kids, but the dogs? come on. That is just weird. Like really weird. Again, something roommates would do and i would like to think most people would feed their room mates dog. As i said, kids are harder but i grew up with a step dad too. We didnt have an overly close relationship or anything, but i knew i could ask him for a ride somewhere or $10 if i needed it. I would hope after living full time with your kids after a year that they would feel comfortable enough to come to him for things like this – or do they have to wait until you get home? I would hate to live someone who is supposed to be a father figure and you feel like you lead separate lives in the same home. 

Post # 95
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Bellagio, Las Vegas

Put on your running shoes and GTFO.

Post # 96
Member
770 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Why are you even attempting to defend this douche canoe, OP? Please, take everyone’s sound advice and GTFO. With every update you’re only validating his prickish behavior. He sucks. There’s just no other way around it.

Post # 97
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

Consider this a Bee Slap – He’s using you. He’s not ready for a commitment – he’s getting the perks of a committed relationship without any of the work or actual ties -he’s expecting YOU to pay for HIM but is tight fisted and stingy with you — he doens’t walk you dog, only looks after himslef and “his”, which obviously he doenst consider you or your child/children to be –

He sounds like a creep. A creep with “nice guy tendencies”, but ultimately a creep. 

 

You can do and DESERVE so much better. *Hugs*

Post # 98
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee

Can I Bee Slap his ass??

Post # 99
Member
2729 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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interchangeable:  To follow it up by carving her initials? That feels deliberate. Oh he was just concentrating soooo hard he forgot who he was expressing love for??? What the fuck. No.

This is exactly what I thought. There is not a slight chance in fiery hell that this was an honest ‘mistake’. I don’t care how hard you are concentrating while carving a damn tree but at some point you’re going to realize the wrong initials are there. If not whilst carving, definitely once you look at your finished product. And if that small chance in hell that is was a mistake were to be true… isn’t it a little suspiscious that when he’s “concentrating soooooo hard” on a romantic gesture, his subconscience has him carve his ex’s name and not yours??

Either way, he would have noticed before showing you. He either carved it ‘by accident’ but wanted you to see his slip up. Or he purposefully did it to test you, as interchangeable said. Or to somehow manipulate and control your emotions. Like a sick way of saying, “See… my ex isn’t too far off my mind so you better be on your best behavior if you want my entire attention and love. You want to be the first name to pop in my head? Then you better prove yourself”.

 

Post # 100
Member
260 posts
Helper bee

If my guy has money there is no way he would even have me paying for anything, sh*t even with us budgetting like crazy he STILL believes in spending his money for us to go out. smh we split bills but geez this guy is doing too much. Yes we all have our own money (for the most part) but come on as a man you should want to take care of your girl. whether that be a new car (if he can afford it and sees yours is on its last legs) or a trip or just plane out to dinner. come on now. he sounds like hes cheap as hell and a tad selfish. And it appears hes getting his milk so why by the cow sadly

Post # 101
Member
5775 posts
Bee Keeper

“That hasn’t carried over to my children sadly” (on him being a devoted dad) No! Second deal breaker! (already not liking this dude after hearing he only walks his dog)

My SO and I have older kids too- so blending our families is a big step and we don’t live together just yet- BUT, we already treat each others’ kids like they’re our own. Now realistically speaking, my own children are always going to be first in my heart, ditto his child in his heart- but you don’t blatantly favour your own children over your future step-children. My SO is sweet and supportive and amazing with mine- I wouldn’t even consider a future with him if he wasn’t. And I adore his child too. Blending families means being a united parental unit and making all children involved feel loved and important. Your I-only-walk-my-own-dog SO doesn’t seem to possess the basic kindness and decency to be good to anyone else’s children but his own- and wtf is him up with teaching his kids to feed ‘their’ dog only? I realize you say he’s stopped doing this after you talked to him about it- but is this something that even needs to b pointed out to him? No, honey, just no. I’m sorry but I would get my kids- and myself- away from that self-serving douchebag.

Post # 102
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

Something else that needs to be said and let’s just get it out of the way.

You moved in too soon. When you have kids, you need to be that much more cautious. Blending families is hard and the divorce rate for blended families is upwards of 65%. Not good odds. It needs to be approached logically and rationally, not emotionally. All kinds of pre-marital family counseling, all kinds of family meetings to hash out how things will work and spending a few years as a couple to get several holidays and regular life events and stressors under your belts, to see if you are on the same page.

So yeah. Moving in so quickly was a mistake. You need to own that so you can immediately move on from it and not make things worse by staying one minute longer than you should out of guilt. Your kids will have a lot more respect for you if you sit down with them and tell them you screwed up. That you were thinking with your heart instead of your head and now you need to get the family back on the right path and that means ending the relationship with him. Continuing to live in a home where there are two very distinct groups – whether it’s *yours* and *his* or *the haves* and *the have-nots* – is going to cause resentment and hurt feelings in your kids.

ETA: I can’t help but wonder if he is having 2nd thoughts and is trying to push you out rather than fess up. The ex-wife mix ups, the crap about the kids and chores, the being so militant on the 50/50. He might just be pushing and pushing hoping you’ll get fed up and walk. Which really, that also says a lot about him. If he wants out, he needs to be a grown-ass man and sit down and talk about it with you.

Post # 103
Member
2083 posts
Buzzing bee

After two years together he should be at least trying to act like a father figure to your kids. I get that it can be more difficult with older children, but if he’s not even making the effort, that’s a huge deal. Your kids are never going to see him in a positive light if he consistently treats his own children better than he’s treating them.

And him getting ANGRY that you’re hurt by him carving his ex’s initials in the tree? Wtf?

Post # 104
Member
666 posts
Busy bee

You just need to break up with him. You said your children live there full time if they see this they will think this type of behavior is ok and that being a doormat is normal. You’d be suprised how much kids can pick up at a young age. Besides you need to believe you deserve better or else you will never have better.

Post # 105
Member
785 posts
Busy bee

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Mayablue6:  It’s unbelievable that someone that is as well off as you’ve described would make you pay for anything to live with him. I understand that you love him, and all that he can offer to you, but like you said – if this were your friend what advice would you give her? I would tell my friend to leave, however, I’m not sure what your financial position is, and that’s absolutely something you need to consider with children to think of. Maybe you can have the discussion with him regarding how you all are paying for bills, and how it should be based on percentages of income rather than you each paying half, and once your bills are reduced you can sock that money away for a couple of months to allow you to move?

Don’t beat yourself up about this, the good news is that you’re still young and you can absolutely meet someone who can offer you everything you deserve. 

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