(Closed) Been crying all night…

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

View original reply
irishbride2018 :  I think you need to take a step back and ignore the “who is paying” situation for a second. Look at the pros and cons of this venue.

Pros – it’s beautiful

Cons – it’s more expensive than you planned, alcohol is not included, it’s far away, you’d have to stay over night, there is 3 night minimum for guests who want to stay on site, it’s not large enough to fit your intended guest list (or even half your guest list…).

Every single item on those listes came straight from your post. When Fiance and I were looking for venues did we pick the “prettiest” one? No, we picked the one most suited for the wedding we wanted to have. There are lots of pretty venues bee, I’m sure you’ll find one with a longer pros list

Post # 32
Member
4960 posts
Honey bee

I haven’t read all of the comments yet, so forgive me if this is covered already.

You’re planning this ass backward.

Step 1: Figure out a budget.

Note: If you are accepting financial help, those who pay get a say.  This includes guestlist.

Step 2: Figure out your guest list.

Step 3: Only look at venues that fit the constraints you have at Steps 1 and 2.  

It’s fine to want pretty scenery, but that isn’t your venue.  If your dream venue can’t fit all the people you need it to fit and requires you and your guests to spend a minimum three nights for a hotel, then in no way does that venue meet your requirements.  Dream away, but your reality says that is in no way the venue for you.  Stop looking at venues that don’t fit your requirements.  It’s like trying on $10,000 wedding dresses when you have a non-negotiable budget of $1,000 – all you are doing is putting yourself through the agony of potentially falling in love with something you can’t have.

So if this means you need to do more leg work on the phone and internet first to determine whether a venue even meets your minimum requirements and they have availability on your preferred dates, then that is what you do.  You shouldn’t be visiting any venues that can’t hold your guestlist and or would exceed your budget.

So sit down with mom and dad, figure out what strings are attached to their money and what  your requirements are, and then research venues.

 

Your other alternative is have the wedding you can afford (or wait longer to save up for the wedding you want) and pay for it yourself.  Then you have total control and if you only want 80 people and pretty scenery then you can have it.

Post # 33
Member
7189 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I would elope before I would accept money from someone who thought they could call my fucking phone and call me names.

Sometimes the expense is too high and it’s more than the money. I would elope and be happy and then joyfully tell my mother that 35k is not enough for me to accept abuse.

Fuck that. Also, your priorities seem a little off here. Your mother is calling and verbally abusing you and you’re crying about a venue?

Post # 34
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

Your parents and your future in-laws are all busy going on about what THEY want and they’re willing to treat you like crap to get it. Between your mother calling you names and your in-laws wanting your family to spend more, they’re ruining what should be a happy time for you. Whether you go with this venue and a smaller guest list or a different venue and a larger guest list, they’ll still find something else to tie you up in knots over, your mother not liking your colour scheme, your Future Mother-In-Law wanting to add yet more guests, everyone arguing over the menu. 

My first wedding was a large formal one dictated by my mom and my former Mother-In-Law, it was stressful and all about them. My second wedding was a still fairly large but more casual wedding DH and I planned and paid for ourselves and it was actually FUN to plan. Now I get that the second time around we were older and had more money, but in hindsight I would have had ANY wedding I could’ve afforded on our own the first time around, even if it was a JOP and a Dairy Queen cake. 

First off, make sure you and your fiance are a united team. He should be speaking up too- especially when it comes to his side of the family. I would be really blunt and say that the two of you will not be accepting any money offers or ‘advice’ and will be planning the wedding yourselves. Then take a breather and plan what you can afford- whether it’s a backyard BBQ, a punch and cake reception, a brunch etc. If scenery is important to you, get married in the woods or an arboretum etc- seriously. Consider this the first step in establishing with both sets of too-pushy parents that you’re adults now in charge of your own lives and don’t have to jump through their hoops. And yeah, if they can’t accept this, elope. Tell them firmly but tactfully that you want them to be part of their lives but that they can’t treat you like shit to get what they want. ( <— word it more tactfully than that). 

Post # 35
Member
4309 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Nvm. 

Post # 36
Member
7887 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Sounds stressful.  It sounds like there will always be some level of stress with the family involvement in the wedding planning. Is that worth the extra funds for a wedding? 

Post # 37
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Kristen……………….it’s only a gift if the giver/parents says it is, otherwise it’s still their money and they have a right to decide how they want it spent.  If the bride and groom don’t want to spend it the way the parents want they decline ANY money.  Plain and simple.  

Post # 38
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

It seems as though you’re trying to get your wedding to fit the venue’s needs rather than finding a venue that fits you and your family’s needs. a 3 night stay minimum for your guests would 100% be a deal breaker for me personally, plus all of the added tensions from both sides of the family when they (kind of rightfully since they’re contributing) want a say in the guest list. If you proceed with making this your venue, you’re asking for a nightmare engagement with continued issues. If you read these boards often enough, guest list issues only get more frequent and more dramatic the closer to the wedding, so this is a headache you’ll be dealing with for your entire engagement.

Post # 39
Member
9561 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

there was a venue that i loved! grounds were gorgeous, the food/restuarant was 5 star. we got engaged that february and were looking at october dates.  they had an opening in august.  we considered it.  but DH didn’t want to wear a tux in august.  plus the rooms were really expensive and a 2 night minimum stay, which i didn’t think was fair to guests.

well, we found another venue that we both fell in love with instantly, they had a date in october, and we had the perfect wedding.

about a year later, i went to a wedding at the first venue.  i was super excited to experience it.  and i hated it.  i was so glad we didn’t have our wedding there.

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