Been married 2 weeks today. Already tension with Husband's sister.

posted 2 weeks ago in Married Life
Post # 2
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2022

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@bagpup805:  He is going to have a relationship with his sister. She may not apologize. I think you need to accept those things. Why do you need an apology from someone who sucks at life? You don’t need to be friends with her. You need to baseline get along for your husband’s sake. Was it unreasonable, selfish, and unacceptable for her to be upset about your amazing job opportunity and to be a total selfish bitch at your wedding? Yes, without a doubt. However, I would try to move on and enjoy your marriage. It sounds like your husband (and MIL) have your back but also want to have a relationship with her. Is that annoying? Yes, but you probs need to accept it. Do you need to ever let her treat you poorly again? NO. I would make it clear to my husband that i respect his relationship with his sister but i personally have lost a lot of respect for her over how she has handled this and don’t see myself being close to her in the future so please confer with me in advance before inviting her over etc. and that you do not see yourself wanting to spend time with her (esp without an apology) so if it is that important to him, he can tell his sister to genuinely apologize to you or he can not deal with it and the tension can continue  and he can visit her on his own. I would say that i am really appreciative he sees this job opportunity as an amazing opportunity for me and I would focus on my relationship with my husband. Your SIL’s behavior is out of your control and luckily you will be moving soon and not have to deal with it as often. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this! congrats on your recent nuptuals! 

Post # 3
527 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

His sister will behave how she will and I wouldn’t hold your breath for an apology. If you get one great but I think it’s unlikely. 

From what you’ve said this is more about her than you or your husband. She’s going through a really shitty lonely patch and can’t rely on her husband which must be tough. 

You guys are going to move in the fall so I wouldn’t stress over this and try to give yourself, your husband and your SIL a break. You’ve been through a really hard time with losing your mom and are probably more fragile and easily hurt because of your grief, which is totally understandable. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope that you can let yourself focus on you and doing what you need just now. 

Post # 4
509 posts
Busy bee

A lot of my own posts are lacking for brevity, and you did use paragraphs well, but I admit this one was particularly long to read, so I may not cover every point you made.

To start off with, yes, you have to weigh how important it is to be close to family, and I am not a fan of uprooting your lives and moving just for a job.  But if this opportunity is that great, and you won’t hate the area you’ll be moving to, the pluses outweigh the minuses.  It’s absolutely true that they did what was (overall) best for them at the time, and now you’re going to do the same.  You moved away from your mother in Florida.  Did they feel that you were in the wrong doing that?  In a sense, they are being hypocritical.  It’s also possible, especially on a high salary, to travel often enough to see them.

I do think you’re being unreasonable in expecting your husband to not see his sister until she apologizes to you, but you are under no obligation to see her.  But your husband should be seeing things from your perspective.  You were wronged.  She was abrasive and guilt tripping to you.  If you were doing that to her, your husband should have put you in your place.  Your husband needs to put her in her place.

While I personally have no problem with how close you tried to be to his family (and an extension of your own family by marriage), be prepared for some bees to be making comments about an unhealthy attachment to family and/or enmeshment.  A lot of bees place a very heavy emphasis on the spouse and children nuclear family and feel that you should be doing your own thing much of the time.  I know this is your first post and you’re new here.

Overall, his sister is behaving in an unhealthy way and pouts when she doesn’t get what she wants.  Not a good recipe for a close relationship.

Post # 5
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Ok…there’s a lot here. I feel like you are seeing things in black and white. “Either we see them 24/7 OR my husband can’t even go over to see his niece and nephew.” Embrace the gray area. Move two hours away and stop giving this woman such a stronghold in your life. Her distancing from you is a favor. TAKE IT. 

Post # 6
615 posts
Busy bee

Wow, she sounds like a real piece of work.

Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s much you can actively DO about the situation except stand your ground and keep your boundaries firmly in place. It’s not you and your husbands’ fault that her partner is not providing her with the support and partnership that she needs. You and your husband are your own family unit, and they should be their own too.

But I wouldn’t hold out for an apology or rational conclusion to this because she is being highly irrational. It would be wildly stupid for you to give up that job opportunity because her marriage is unsatisfying, and like you said – she herself moved away from you guys just a handful of years ago. 

This is about her, not you guys. And I think you should jsut be the bigger person and ignore her tantrum. She’s in a place where she can’t see the situation clearly (or maybe she never sees it clearly). Maybe the discomfort will force her to work on her own life and marriage. 


Post # 7
843 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I feel like you and this girl are sisters yourself the way you’re so entangled in each other’s lives. I guess it must be nice to be close to a SIL, but this particular SIL sounds like a brat. Why do you care so much about what she does or thinks? You’re too enmeshed with her; YOU are too involved with her. You, Bee. You don’t have to tell her things, discuss your decisions with her, run anything by her, etc. She’s not your husband. 

Don’t force your husband not to see her, because then you’re entering the psycho-controlling wife territory, but stop being so emotionally involved with her. Frankly, I think it’s healthy for you two to move away from her. 

Post # 8
5938 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m going to sound like a dick and I have my own deep people pleasing issues.  But his sister sounds exhausting.  Like bone deep exhausting.  I don’t think I could continue to have a close relationship with her myself after what’s described.  I would stay out of the brother sister relationship and let your husband navigate that.  Exception being when it effects you.  And then enjoy the space from her.

 A SIX FIGURE  job opportunity is something fantastic that most people won’t get.  That will help you not have money issues (imo). You will be able to save for the future! That is so amazing. As easy as it is to get sucked in Terry and concentrate on this opportunity of a lifetime!  Easier said than done I have my own issues and would also be affected similarly as you are.  

Post # 10
7848 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Enjoy this break from her. She’s miserable and taking it out on you and your husband. I’d be shocked if she apologized. Don’t begrudge your husband seeing his nieces and nephews. Be happy his mother is happy and supportive. Live your best life. 

Congratulations on your new job!!

Post # 14
509 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@bagpup805:  Oh, that’s great then.  Do what is ultimately going to make your life the best.  Especially since you don’t have a particular affinity for being in Texas.

Post # 15
4541 posts
Honey bee

Be the grey rock and just let it wash over you. This is the first time you all have set and stuck to a boundary. She’s having an tantrum. Don’t reward it with any attention – positive or negative.

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