Been married 2 weeks today. Already tension with Husband's sister.

posted 2 weeks ago in Married Life
Post # 31
Member
4541 posts
Honey bee

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@bagpup805:  not visiting the kids only damages the kids. It is not going to change her behavior. Don’t stoop to her level of pettiness. Be the grey rock.

Post # 32
Member
3315 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Don’t feed into the drama! It’s not worth getting yourself bent out of shape and demanding an apology. The wedge is just going to get wider between you and his family. It is controlling to tell your husband that he can’t visit or comment on pictures or whatever until she apologizes. You can’t control her behavior. You can’t try to punish her into giving you an apology. I know you are mad–that’s fine. Be mad. She’s being unreasonable. If you want to avoid her, fine. However it is unfair to punish her kids for her behaviors. 

Post # 33
Member
7271 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Can’t expect an asshole to not get shitty sometimes.

Your husband did back you up with her when it mattered. It’s not reasonable of you to expect him to just not see his sister while she’s acting like a stinking shitty asshole. Especially given that you know she’s in an unhappy and unsupported marriage. You have a great job opportunity and a loving supportive husband. Don’t be small and begrudge her these final visits with her brother before you leave (though I would speak with your husband to let him know your feelings – just so he’s aware – not that you expect him to do anything different).

Post # 34
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

She’s really toxic and you must have a constitution of steel to keep being civil, so bravo to you. But he will have a relationship with his sister unless she becomes unbearable for him too, at which point he shouldn’t feel bad about distancing himself.

 

To a point I understand the ‘family stick together’ thing but that should also extend to being happy for someone when they have achieved something wonderful. And sincerely, congratulations to you on your new job, don’t let this spoil your joy. It honestly sounds like this will be life changing in the best way. Family or not, you don’t need someone else’s baggage pulling you down when you’re clearly about to fly!

 

She sounds like she’s just jealous, not only of your achievement but the fact that her brother has another woman in his life. My fiance only has a brother so I can’t relate in the same way. But I have a lot of friends who have this exact issue with partners’ sisters and it’s weird, in my opinion.. I get that you can love your brother but being that attached and jealous sets-off my Freud-O-Meter 😂

 

but listen, it sounds like his mother is a lovely human being, like yourself. Take the job, enjoy your achievement, remain civil and tell her that you look forward to having them over when you are settled. If she doesn’t accept the invitation then that’s on her. When your husband visits, go with him and keep smiling. If she mentions family you can say how you are working hard to provide you and yours with new opportunities and change the subject.

 

I do have a woman Sort of like this in my family – my fiancé’s grandmother. I find it is good to get in the habit of casually changing the subject and not entertaining negativity!

 

You have been through enough, it’s your time to fly!

 

ETA: I also don’t think there’s any selfishness here. We owe it to ourselves to make ourselves happy and fulfilled because if we don’t we project our frustrations onto those around us and then THAT becomes selfish. 

Post # 35
Member
1374 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Holy enmeshment! Wow!

Why have you let this woman control your lives for EIGHT years?! It’s time to tell your husband that his sister doesn’t call the shots for your family. You & he get to decide how to spend your free time, who to invite to your wedding and where to live. This is BANANAS. You need to get a hold on this before it gets worse because I imagine she’s going to want to control your children if you plan to have them. 

Post # 36
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2008

I told understand what you are going through. I have a similar situation with my husband’s sister. She doesn’t like me. We have been married 13 years this month. I don’t make him chose. When he goes to visit I stay home. Neither of us has parents anymore both have passed away. So now it just siblings. So I be the bigger person I don’t stop him from going and he doesn’t make me go. Don’t let anyone stress your marriage. Please enjoy your time life is short. Be happy. She is a miserable person and misery loves company. Don’t give in. Congratulations on your marriage. Best of luck

Post # 37
Hostess
5026 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2016

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@bagpup805:  Congratulations on your new job OP!  It sounds like a wonderful opportunity, and it is wonderful that your DH is so supportive.  I disagree with PP about not moving for a job – DH and I moved for my career a decade ago and have absolutely no regrets.  We’re 12 hours away from our family and honestly, though we love them, they can be dramatic like your SIL and it’s nice to have some distance from all that.  It’s not your fault that your SIL is having a rough time in her marriage.  You were very selfless to move to TX in the first place (I personally could not imagine doing the same!) and two hours away is not very far, especially for a great opportunity for your career progression.  It sounds like getting some space from your SIL will be a godsend.  I wouldn’t try to stop my DH from seeing his sister – I doubt this woman is going to apologize when she seems very selfish and self-absorbed – but I would probably pull away myself and try to give her less emotional energy.  You’ve been through a lot lately OP, you deserve to be happy. 

Post # 38
Member
1000 posts
Bumble bee

Granted, I am an only child from a “broken home” raised by a patchwork family of non-related nomadic caretakers and friends, so maybe I just don’t get the whole “FAMILY FIRST!!!” mentality, but I do know the difference between familial affection and codependence. Your SIL’s attachment to family togetherness is absolutely not healthy, and as you noted, it most likely has to do with her own emotional issues than her love for her relatives.

I do have a few family members and friends that have dealt with going through tough times in their lives by leaning unnaturally and eventually alienating their relatives and close friends as well, and PPs are right about how to handle it—just leet it roll off you. Be supportive, but not at the expense of your boundaries. Try to meet her halfway, because she will be in your life as long as you are married to her brother. You don’t have to be best friends or even feel like close family, you can just coexist. This is clearly a her thing, not a you thing, and she is feeling vulnerable and attacked (not an excuse for her behavior, just an explanation) due to her own shitty coping mechanisms. The woman needs help, and you are perfectly justified in not rushing to be that help and catering to her every whim—it seems as though that attitude is what started this whole mess in the first place. From what you’ve told us about the last two years and what you’ve been through, you seem like someone who would move heaven and earth to help anyone in your family, but most of the time this isn’t necessary, and will burn you out faster than it will buoy others up. You’re allowed to prioritize yourself. If you don’t, who will?

Post # 39
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee

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@bagpup805:  oh FFS she is a LOT. I would let her mope all she wants and grow the eff up and stop visiting her ever. If she’s willing to act like an adult by all means, let it go. But she’s not recognizing all that you gave up. I’m very sorry you lost your mother. That’s broke my heart reading that. Honestly I wouldn’t care one bit that she was outcasting me because she seems really controlling and dramatic. I really don’t like that.

Post # 40
Member
13931 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@bagpup805:  

“So, where do we go from here? I genuinely do not feel like I owe any sort of explanation and I feel like until she apologizes, I really don’t care to have any sort of relationship with her. I also feel like my husband should stand by me in that. I also don’t want to tell him not to have a relationship with her or that he can’t stop by to see his niece and nephew, but I feel like by him going over there without me, it just makes it seem like he’s okay with her behavior.”

I don’t see how letting her know that her behavior was hurtful and that it will not be business as usual until she acknowledges that is in any way “punishing” the children. This just happened. If he had previous plans with the kids that’s one thing but it’s not as if he should be sweeping it under the rug when she’s said and done nothing to make it right.

Her behavior is especially heinous considering all you’ve been through and H ought to make that clear to her, too. I’m so sorry for your loss. 

 

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