Been ready…

posted 4 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
5781 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

Sit down and talk about a timeline. Discussing a timeline is not nagging or pushing! Its simply saying “Hey, I would like to be engaged by X month/year. What do you think about that? When would you ideally like to get engaged?” Then come to an agreement.

Post # 4
Member
984 posts
Busy bee

When he moved in with you, were you clear with him then that you wanted this relationship to lead to marriage and that you wouldn’t just live together as boyfriend/girlfriend forever?  If you are really serious about marriage, he needs to know that upfront as you don’t want it to go on for years and he still never proposes.  So sit down with him and have a serious conversation about marriage and why it’s important to you. That’s what I did with my husband before we moved in together. He went in knowing how I felt and took it seriously.  Hopefully, you are both on the same page. Good luck – you deserve to be happy!

Post # 5
Member
1024 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Agree that this this needs a sit-down conversation. you can discuss it without nagging. Otherwise he won’t know your thoughts, you won’t know his, and you might be on completely different pages and end up resentful.

Post # 6
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

“He came over to my house that first weekend and never left.” What? That’s a red flag to me. Not even just about him but about how you handle relationships. 

You told him that you’re serious about marriage but your actions say otherwise. Your actions say that a guy can just infiltrate into your life with minimal if any real commitment. It sounds like you weren’t together for any time at all before he took it upon himself to move in. You are even fine with a new guy you have little commitment from being around your kids. That is telling him that marriage is something you may want but not something you absolutely require. 

I hope he is at least paying rent and bills and helping out around the house. 

I’m not even anti cohabitating before engagement because I did it but it has to be preceded by an actual discussion about the relationship and where it is headed. And you should give yourself time to really get to know somebody. You can’t truly know if somebody is a good guy after a few months. 

Post # 10
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

penny1403 :  That’s good that you have history. But beware that you can say that as soon as he decides against marriage to tell you and leave but it usually doesn’t work that way. Especially not when people have built a life financially and physically together. At that point, there are practical factors holding people together even if marriage is no longer desired. 

You just have to hope that he is a man of his word because right now the ball is in his court. You can have a walk date in your head but I don’t know that there’s anything else to be done if you don’t want to give a timeline. 

Post # 11
Member
3684 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

It doesn’t seem like you really had a dating period. Knowing someone for awhile and being in a relationship with them are completely different. He moved in that very first weekend which kind of set the tone for your relationship. He basically has everything that comes with marriage minus the legal part which he might feel is unnecessary. Since you’ve only been together a little over a year I would give it another year of observation then have a serious adult conversation and move forward from there. You don’t need to nag him about the issue but its not unreasonable to inquire about a timeline. 

Post # 12
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

penny1403 :  I can’t give you an exact time frame but if he’s moved in he should be emotionally ready to propose now, right? He just needs to buy the ring and make it a surprise and that should only be a few months tops. 

Post # 13
Member
561 posts
Busy bee

You sitting down with him and having a conversation about marriage isn’t you pushing him into it. Before my husband I moved into together we had a big discussion about our future goals. I made it clear that I wanted to get married and if he didn’t see that in our future then that was okay but our goals weren’t compatible. Having a frank, calm, open conversation where you’re doing more listening than talking could give you a good idea of what he’s thinking timeline wise. IMO, you two have had enough time to get to know each other and if he isn’t sure that you’re the one by now then you’re not the person he’s planning to marry. Age and timeline wise, it depends. If you want more children and want to be married before you have more children then I would say you need to be engaged within the next year or so, at minimum. If you’re not planning on having more children then it really depends on what your future goals are. There’s not one timeline that fits all. My husband and I were together 5 years before we got married and that worked for us but it doesn’t sound like something you want.

Post # 14
Member
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

penny1403 :  how many times are you willing to go through the same cycle? You let this man move in with you and around your kids whether you knew him prior or not, things are different in an intimate relationship. You stated “I have also said if at any moment, he decides that I am not wife material for him, he can let me know and I can move on to find someone that does want to marry “

So you’re that lax about him not wanting to be with you? That doesn’t sound like someone who is very clear and adimant about marriage. It sounds like you want marriage and have started establishing this lifestyle around it but if he goes he goes. Nobody would be living in my house paying bills or not and not moving towards the same direction as me. It’s  a huge commitment not “if you want to be with me then be with if not then you can leave.” If that’s the stance theu certainly wouldn’t be living with me. 

Post # 15
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee

penny1403 :  I would give him 6 months, but you have to tell him that and not keep it in your head. I know you have an idea of him “coming to the conclusion” on his own that he wants to marry you but… I agree w/ other PPs that if you let him move in with you on the “first weekend” (!) that he has NO fire under his butt, so to speak. Why would there be, unless you light one? It’s your life too, and you may have to ask for what you want.

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