- 8 years ago
- Wedding: December 2010
I put off planning for my wedding, which is in 4.5 months until this summer….during the winter/spring fiance had a major surgery, he was stressed with finishing up college/recovering, and I was super busy with work (teaching, math coach, district duties, etc) and taking care of my fiance. We did reserve our church date in the spring, but we just now secured the reception venue recently. His parents are meddlesome and still don’t know our date…we’re telling them this week through a Save The Date(they moved over 2 hours away). Anyways, our relationship is strong and filled with love, etc…..although awhile back we hit a rough patch in which my boyfriend was very confused about life in general/immature(besides the influence of controling, manipulative, meddlesome mother)….and we even broke up for a brief time(mother so meddlesome) and were on and off…but he would always come back to me, and we couldn’t stay away from eachother.. Then, it’s so weird: he just grewup, matured, realized that he wanted me and a family(kids) after all in his life forever, etc….he also was finally able to standup to his meddlesome mother and family. Ever since that moment things have been great….that’s also when we got engaged…I’m not sure when the change occurred, but it happened around the time I let him know I would never take him back again if he left me, and I think he could tell I was comtemplating leaving him instead of wasting my time….etc. Like I said, things have been great ever since. We have basically proven to eachother that we are there for eachother no matter what, always….even in stressful/upsetting/bad times in life….we are each other’s best friends and feel like we always will be. I love him so much!!!! we both struggle with depression….and we both are accepting of this flaw in eachother….we are a lot alike personality wise too…alot of similarities (even in childhood/adolescent type of experiences). He believes God brought us together… (What’s really eery is that a psychic at a Fair I went to for fun predicted that I would marry him right when I had just started dating him…when she was reading my tarot cards..I didn’t even talk to her at all, I just listened, and she even described his personality down to a T!)
Anyways, the problem now is that my immediate family is stressing me out. I want to avoid even coming home or being around my mother or sister. Ever since we started looking into reception places, my mom has basically gone *momzillaish* and is kinda rude. I am not the type who is into *all the details* and *planning*, and just constantly talking about wedding stuff…I had a friend who was a bridezilla this year and I would never be like her. I am trying to get more things taken care of right now(especially before I start teaching in august), one thing at a time…right now it’s purchasing my wedding dress, call priest,read marriage book, mail save the dates, and attend weekend marriage prep class.. Next up will be tackle ordering bridesmaid dresses…. I live with my fiance right now…and when I see my mom she starts telling me things I should do…almost trying to control my relationship with him… Both my mother and my Future Mother-In-Law are domineering women in their households and with their husbands, and that is also something I will never be…My personality type is just NOT like that, AT ALL!! I am the shy, sweet type, who believes we should be equals in the relationship! I am also not a *cleaning freak* and I don’t see us living together as a *practice* for marriage…I just don’t appreciate the blunt comments my mom makes…..for example, like saying I should make my Fiance cook and wash the dishes, etc…because he’s not working at the moment, well neither am I (summer vacation)…I don’t like doing either of those chores myself right now.. I wish she would stay out of my business…my sisters say “she’s just trying to be helpful.” Well, she’s not!! Also, my fiance actually has to retake in the fall his senior seminar class that he failed.. So my mom was saying to me, “you should say i’m not marrying you unless you graduate!” Well, for one thing, he’s going to graduate…it’s just a minor setback(professor didn’t like he missed so much from the surgery and scored him low on his research paper)…but I would never threaten the love of my life with something like that…that’s acting superficial to me. Yes, I do want someone who graduates college…it’s important to me…but the substance of the person matters more to me, etc. (My mom is just worried because both my sisters have had trouble with graduating in a reasonable time!) It just makes me really upset how nosy, involved my mom is about my wedding…in fact she keeps the bridal books she bought *for me* to herself and has still never given them to me! If I suggest something I want to do, like make a honeymoon fund instead of a registry, she shoots down the idea and acts like I am rude…and right now is bothering me about the guest list, when at the moment it doesn’t even matter WHO is on the guest list(shes more worried about inviting people to be polite who will just say no), because at the most we will have 30-35 people, and you can have up to 120 people at the reception site, so this is not really of my concern at all right now yet!!! She’s talking to her coworkers and my family members behind my back about things..like the details… and even spreading untrue rumors, such as I heard she said I wasn’t inviting my grandma…What the heck is she talking about?!?! She is concerned about inviting a bunch of people, like staff from my work(who I don’t really care to invite)…and more people, because I guess it’s embarrassing to her to have a very small wedding….well we don’t have that many relatives, friends, etc….who would make it actually…and fiance is so shy/socially anxious he prefers a smaller, intimate wedding. They’re making a big deal about the fact that I am paying for most of the wedding…fiance is paying for half of the church….Anyways, my mother’s behavior stresses me out, makes me think she is B**chy, makes me really really upset, and makes me want to stay away from her. I don’t think they like the fact that their little girl who is 30 is growingup…I used to come home a lot(like most weekends), especially because fiance was ALWAYS working before his surgery, but since he’s had a lot of time off and even lives with me now, I don’t go home as much, and I guess my family gets resentful, but they make it so that I feel *upset* at home, often!! Although my fiances mother and family had tried to get us to breakup in the past(and did!), my own family doesn’t do that…but I almost feel my own mother/family is just as meddlesome as his!! They are nice to his face and talk badly/nosy behind his back…just like his meddlesome mother does/did about me!!
Anyways, as far as bridesmaids. I originally was just going to ask a closer highschool friend and my fiance’s little sister…and maybe one other HS friend. I wasn’t planning on asking my own two sisters, because they had put off attitude that they didn’t want to do that in the past…and I wasn’t sure if they wanted to do that. But also because I want people who are supportive of my relationship with my fiance. I haven’t been getting along with my sister very much the whole time I have gotten back together with him. She doesn’t realize/accept that he has changed…and decided what he wanted in life, etc… She is always really rude, snotty, snappy to me…. She is more opinionated and blunt….more like my mother. In the past they have been unsupportive/not liked him etc…..just because we went through that phase of his confusion(he was only 24/25) Anyways, my mother kept pressuring me to ask my older sisters(both unmarried) to be my bridesmaids…..which to tell you the truth made me a little uncomfortable…. When I would call home, my mom would answer the phone and tell me to ask my sister to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man over the phone etc… So I did ask them and of course they said yes…which made me happy.
Well today my sister went with me to go wedding dress shopping. Well, I have been to 5 shops, and even been to a couple alone, and actually found the 2 dresses I liked the most ALONE. I actually don’t even care for her to come, because every dress of the 40 dresses I have tried on, I have not liked at all or even hated….and have only liked 2 dresses…so I really don’t care what others think of it. I do not need ones “permission” to get a dress I like! (they act like I do) I also want a white dress, because wedding dresses should be white IMO..I like white, plus I am a cool color person who wears silver jewelry…etc….sister tries to tell me to get ivory and that white would not look good on me…She tries to say that cool colors don’t look good on me(she must not be observant enough to know what colors bring out my tan…even Fiance knows which ones!)
Also, I am not into planning the details of my wedding all that much, like some people are, however there is one thing I am particular about since I only get one wedding: I want purple to be my color! Not dark purple either…I want a lavender or a medium-like purple. I don’t mind pairing dark purple with a lighter purple, but if I only was able to have dark purple, then I would rather just choose a different color entirely because I don’t like dark colors!
Anyways, my sister, who is the oldest and very bossy/opinionated/outspoken.(.like my mom and FMIL) starts making a big deal/criticizing that I *already* chose purple as my color!! Um, that’s the only color I have ever wanted for my wedding…. She then insists I can only get a very very dark shade of purple so that it will look okay on my overweight, red headed sister. Now like I said, I don’t mind having two shades of purple, but I definitely want them all in a medium purple…or half in light and a couple in darker purple. When I pointed out a shade I liked my sister gets snotty about it…and then she even said I was being a bridezilla/diva in front of salespeople by saying I didn’t want dark purple as my only color! Also she starts to go on and on about my sister…saying if I weren’t a bridezilla then I would consider how my sister would feel/suffer if she wore purple, etc… Well thing is, I just stated, “Well…she doesn’t have to be a bridesmaid.” I didn’t mean I would kick her out, I was just saying, if she really doesn’t want to wear a colored dress, then I’m not offended…she can just say, “no thanks”. But sister took it the wrong way, then acts like I want to not have my middle sister as my bridesmaid. Well then she starts going on about how I can’t go back and forth about who I want to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man….well this does make me question if *She*(Oldest sister being snotty to me) wants to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man…all she ever does and has done for months now is ARGUE with me……. I am even letting my Bridesmaid or Best Man pick whatever dress style they want, at least let me select the colors!!
So then, I told her: Truthfully, I only want people who *want* to be a bridesmaid, to be a bridesmaid. And I am not asking the bridesmaids to do anything except stand in the wedding, wear purple, and be supportive. So then my oldest sister states how she just *cannot be supportive to my relationship with my fiance* that he is seriously flawed, etc…. That she just states her truthful opinion etc. So of course this upsets me enough to say I don’t want her to be a bridesmaid, then….So she said, okay then I won’t be.
Well, that’s the reason I didn’t want/was hesitant to have her be a bridesmaid anyways!!!!!! I really only want supportive people up there with me. I told her my mom pressured me to even ask them and that I was hesitant to even ask them, because I wasn’t sure they would *want* to do it and just knew intuitively they(especially my oldest sister) could not be supportive of my relationship/future marriage. As my fiance pointed out, she doesn’t know that much about relationships herself.. She also is quick to point out it looks bad if you don’t have your sisters as your bridesmaids, etc.
Anyways, of course I didn’t really mean it….what I said….but, truthfully and honestly, if she doesn’t want to be one or wear purple, or the shades I prefer, then I don’t want her or my other sister to be a bridesmaid. If they can’t be supportive to me either, then I really just don’t want them to be a bridesmaid. I feel like they just want to do it out of obligation, and I don’t like that either. (In fact, I don’t even really want her coming to see the other wedding dress I want to buy…she can come if she wants, but I am making my decision solely on which dress I liked best out of the two..not what she thinks!) They are both cynical and negative about marriage, always mention the divorce rate whenever people discuss marriage… I know middle sister can be supportive and would truly like to be a part of the wedding, but I *don’t know* about my oldest sister! however, middle sister had stated that if my other sister wanted to do it, then she would….but i was always really really hesitant about asking oldest sister to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.I really wish my mom hadn’t pressured me to ask them!
I just feel so uncomfortable having someone as a bridesmaid if they aren’t supportive of my fiance and I….especially on top of fiance’s meddlesome parents(they’re better now, but like i said, they don’t know we have a date set yet) and his brother being Best Man (I pretty much always get the vibe that he doesn’t like/care for me)
Anways, after this fight we went out to eat…she starts asking me about wedding details again, which just upsets me. Including prying to ask if my fiance is paying for any of the wedding etc…who is being invited etc. I had to clearly draw a boundary and tell her that I am only handling one detail of the wedding at a time and say, look, I am not into discussing all the details….it’s not really your business(in nicer words) about what my fiance does as part of contributing to the wedding financially, and who is being invited isn’t a concern right now, since we can have up to 120 people anyways, and at the most we are having like 30 attend!
Anyways, when I got back, I was just so depressed…..I just cried to fiance and then laid on the couch and did nothing all night:( I don’t know what to do:( Just so upset.
Sorry this was a novel, but thanks for letting me vent….