(Closed) Been Thinking About Thank You’s (or lack thereof)…

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I completely understand where you’re coming from and why you feel upset. I think you are right- she SHOULD have sent you a thank you note (or more than once, given the circumstances).

But you can’t change other people… so chin up and enjoy the wedding! It will be an event to enjoy, meeting other HS friends, seeing some mutual friends (?), dancing with your Fiance etc etc… try to focus on the pleasant things.

Post # 4
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly? I think the idea of written thank-you’s has fallen by the wayside nowadays.

In my opinion there should be a tangible (in the way of a card) thank-you for any gift given at an event that required a tangible invitation. At the very LEAST.

I still expect thank-you’s, but I haven’t received many over the last few years. For more than half of the gifts I’ve given for bridal showers, baby showers, birthday parties and weddings, I haven’t even received a VERBAL thank-you (and I’m not exactly a crappy-gift giver!). The other half have been a mix of verbal and Facebook/email thank-you’s. With TWO thank-you cards total, both from baby showers. So that’s 2 cards out of about…..twenty-something gifts. Pretty sad, right?

Unfortunately, I think the only people who are allowed to say anything about a lack of thank-you notes sent out are immediate family. You bet your @ss if my sister didn’t send out thank-you cards for a bridal shower I’d be giving her what-for on behalf of every giver.

I’ll be ordering my thank-you cards along with my invitations 😉

Post # 6
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’ve been to plenty of bachelorette parties and various showers where I have never received a thank you card and never thought anything of it. Honestly, the only time I ever expected a thank you card was from a wedding. Maybe it’s just my circle of friends or maybe it’s where I am from but thank you cards are something I’ve never thought too much about (except from a wedding!)

It was really only until I started trolling Wedding Bee that I realized how passionate some people are about them. Then I moved to the South.. it’s a different ballgame down here lol. I swear some people will send thank you cards if you hold the door for them at the grocery store hahah.

As a result of this, I have also become a compulsive thank you card sender because I don’t want to offend anyone (plus, I think they are fun to write!) but I am certainly not in the camp that would ever be upset if I didn’t recieve one.

So perhaps your friend is like me – ignorant but no less appreciative! Depending on how close you are, maybe you could ask her if she needs help writing or addressing her thank  you cards for her wedding and see what she says.

Post # 7
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I have always been raised to send a thank you for anything I have recieved.  My parents had me writing thank you letters to my grandparents from the time I could write.  So it really offends me when I don’t receive one.  I think it’s good manners, and I hate that good manners have gone to the wayside lately.

Post # 8
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

April and May are still pretty recent… don’t you typically get between 3 and 6 months for thank you notes after a big occasion? Especially when there is a lot going on in her life (read: wedding planning)?

Post # 9
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Honestly, thank you’s are not common around my circle. I agree with @mcglalala: until I came here, I never knew people still did them. 

Post # 10
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I appreciate when people send me thank you’s. But you shouldn’t expect it, if you are going to give a gift, give it without expecting anything in return. Including a thank you.

Post # 11
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

I agree, I’ve been taught to write a nice thank you for every gift, so I also like to recieve one. But I’ve realized that it just doesn’t happen, everybody was raised differently. I thought it was odd that I’m always the one writing the thank you, not my husband, so I asked him if his mom ever made him write thank yous when he was little. He said no, he would just call people and thank them over the phone. That explains why I’m thank you note obsessed and he’s not.

Post # 12
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I don’t care whether someone sends me a handwritten card (just going to end up in the trash unless it’s a really pretty card or from a really close friend), but I do expect some sort of thank you if I’m going to shell out for a gift. How hard is it to pick up a phone, drop an email, or mention it in passing at the very least?

It’s all well and good to say that you should give without expecting anything in return, but if I’m going to an occasion where gifts are pretty much expected, then I’m going go right ahead and expect a thank you.

Post # 13
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It’s common courtesy and good manners to thank someone when they go out of their way (and their wallet!) to gift you something for a special occasion.

If I go to a wedding/shower/party where I am expected to give a gift, I expect a thank-you. And while I know not everyone expects a gift when they invite you to such events, most people do. If I went to a wedding completely empty-handed, after having given nothing at prior showers, I’d most likely be judged negatively for it (unless the couple had specified that they did not want gifts). So if etiquette dictates that you bestow a gift on the couple on the occasion of their marriage, doesn’t it also dictate that the couple should show their appreciation of that gift? Everyone has expectations for something, it’s just that some don’t have expectations for themselves.

It’s not an unforgivable sin to not send a thank-you note, but it is rude and ungrateful.

Post # 14
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

I guess people don’t think of writing thank-you notes for graduation. And the bachelorette party, I guess they don’t think it’s standard for that either. Mind you, I wrote thank you notes for both of those ocassions (will for my lingerie party, and did for my graduation). I even wrote thank you notes for people who gave me birthday presents!

But I don’t think I would skip a shower just because I didn’t receive a thank you note before. I mean, I love showers… so it’s more the experience for me. And honestly, I probably wouldn’t notice if I gave a present and nobody gave me a thank you note. I would notice it if it was for the wedding, but not for a shower I suppose. I think she is just stuck in “selfish land”. Not that she is maliciously getting presents and not writing thank you… but she is just not thinking in general.

If I were you, I would go to the wedding and not give her a present. You already gave her plenty of presents for her bachelorette AND shower. Who says you have to give a wedding one as well? I thought shower presents were considered wedding presents anyway.

Post # 15
3267 posts
Sugar bee

Honestly, I would stop bringing a gift to someone who obviously doesn’t appreciate them. 

I would attend the wedding (since you’ve already RSVP’d) and give a nicely worded note or card.  I would also re-consider attending future gift giving occassions for this person.

Post # 16
2701 posts
Sugar bee

If they don’t have the time too write thank yous, they must be much to busy to enjoy any more of my gifts.

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