(Closed) Been Thinking About Thank You’s (or lack thereof)…

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

If one of my guests thought of my event as a ‘gimme gimme gimme’ i might not say thank you either … 

Post # 18
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ Mollytov

How is it a “gimme gimme gimme” when someone is GIVING you a gift? Are thank-you’s expensive? Do they take a lot of time? Does it somehow put you out? What exactly are you giving a guest with a thank-you, other than a positive impression of you? Your comment was so absurd as to make me laugh.

 

Post # 19
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I thought etiquette “rules” give you a few months to get out thank yous. I find it kind of selfish to expect a bride to find time get out shower/b-party thank-yous right before her wedding. 

I think that you should wait until a while after the wedding before getting too worked up and bothered.  If she writes you one nice thank you letter thanking you for all of the things that you did, it’s still a personal, real, genuine show of thanks.  

I’m working on my thank-yous for my April 2 wedding right now because I wanted them to be special, homemade, and include photos of the people receiving them from our ceremony and reception.  I had to choose between really special and expeditious and I picked the former.  If someone thinking that taking time to make a formal thank-you means I didn’t really appreciate their gift, they are just wrong.

Post # 20
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@MrsPuddingface: Hi there. Why don’t you go on and read the op’s post and come back and try that again. 

 

I’m not upsetting the sacred thank you cow. yes people should say thank you but all this entitlement is kinda gauche. 

 

Post # 21
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Mollytov

This is my second go. Maybe you should re-read it. The OP was referring to the other girls’ “gimme gimme gimme” attitude regarding the gifts, not OP’s attitude towards the thank-you’s.

What got me about your post was that you seemed to be inferring that any guest who expected a thank-you from you, after spending time and money on a gift to celebrate your joyous occasion, was somehow greedy. So if they EXPECT a thank-you, you wouldn’t give one just because they EXPECT it?

Post # 22
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I’ve already stated my opinion in many of these threads, so i’m sure there isn’t much point in this, but basically i think thank you notes are wasteful and in my circle they are rarely done.  I think a verbal thank you is a lot more meaningful.  I wouldn’t judge someone if i never got a thank you note, cause I probably wouldn’t send one!

Post # 23
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I had a small wedding and a very small shower/bachelorette.  I sent handwritten thank yous to all 8 that attended my shower within a week of my shower and handwritten thank yous to the 34 guests + about 6 others that sent presents within 2 weeks after the wedding.  I wasn’t “too busy” to send the card because they weren’t “too busy” to come and buy me a gift.  Yes, it wasn’t that many people, but they took time out of their busy lives to celebrate with me or to buy me a present, a thank you note is the LEAST I could do. 

I’m all for just saying thank you most of the time (which not enough people know how to do anymore – geesh), but for a wedding, I think it’s so much nicer to send out a meaningful card to thank people for celebrating with you.

Post # 24
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I am shocked at all the ppl that don’t receive thank yous. I get it if its Xmas or a bday (still should, but more customary to not receive one) but for anything related to a wedding i other one off events like baby shower, graduation etc is just beyond me.

 I received a LONG note from our nannie because we sent a sympathy card whenher sister died.  I didnt expect that one (we only sent a card) but it was sooooo nice to receive.

If I had received that email I would have said,

“I am sorry you are insulted and hurt, but so am I. I is my understanding that a Thank You note is proper ettiquette and I do not feel that my presents were appreciated because I didnt receive one so I am also hurt and insulted.  Maybe we can talk in person to smooth this over”

Post # 25
Member
2700 posts
Sugar bee

@lefeymw: I like this approach a lot. If she got defensive or didn’t want to smooth things over, I would be apt to end this “friendship”. Nothing is worse than being friends with a moocher.

Post # 26
Member
5 posts
Newbee

I agree with “Back yard Love Bird”!  I believe that it is important to take the time to thank people that shared in this special time in your life.  If you did 5 a day, you would get them done and not be overwhelmed.  When writing thank you’s, I always make myself write a note, BEFORE I get to put the gift away or use it.  Another thing to think about is the fact that with so many gifts being ordered and sent online, a “thank you” might be the only way that the gift giver knows for sure that you received their gift.  Take the time…it means a lot to most people and I, for one, do not want to take the chance of hurting the people that took the time to share in my day.

Post # 27
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@lefeymw: How much time would you let go by between doing something deserving of thanks and  having that chat?  My concern w/ the OP is that the event in question was a few weeks ago, and intervening time is the time just before the wedding.  She may well be working on the thank yous and just hasn’t posted them yet.

I was raised to send thank-yous and try to do so.  But I was also taught that when you give someone a gift, you shouldn’t expect anything in return.  Be grateful for the recipients’ gratitude if you get it.  Don’t treat their gratitude like a fee or a missing thank-you card like an upaid bill.

Post # 28
Member
5667 posts
Bee Keeper

@lefeymw: I am too. It was a chore growing up to have to write them out and I didn’t enjoy doing it as a kid. As an adult, though, I can’t imagine not sending one. I try not to get too bent out of shape about not recieving them, but some times I want to ask “Would 3 minutes of your time to jot down a note and a postage stamp kill you?” My Fiance wasn’t raised to send thank yous and it really bothers me. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that not everyone was taught proper ettiquette.

Post # 30
Member
2232 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have never written a thank you note in my life. Ever. This is just not part of my culture. I only became aware of thank you cards after attending weddings. That being said, I will be sending them out but only because I know that while the majority of my guests will not expect one I want to make those who do want one happy. 

I think it’s easy to assume that everyone was taught to write thank you cards but not all of us are from those types of cultures. Where I grew up and where my parents are from no one does them. 

Post # 31
Member
1693 posts
Bumble bee

Responding to an email such as this, with an open, frank, honest reply like the one lefeymw suggests, will probably make your psychologist happy and will definately please any left-over hippies who remember when we were encouraged to “let it all hang out”. The only problem is, that frank open replies don’t leave the other party anywhere to hide if they feel defensive, and defensive people tend to counter-attack and blow things out of proportion. And the next thing you know, you are the rude one for your “accusations” of thanklessness.

I personally would respond with apologies: “… so sorry to have let you down! I completely misunderstood! When I didn’t get any thank-you note for your graduation present and then later for your bachelorette present, I thought it was because you didn’t want that close a friendship with me! I am so glad that is not the case, because I couldn’t figure out what I’d done to offend you to the point that you wouldn’t even send me a thank-you note! Something else must have happened — I am so relieved; and I am so sorry for jumping to conclusions! Please forgive me!”

That firmly communicates the expectation of receiving a thank-you note, without actually accusing the gift recipient of ingratitude and without any sense of tit-for-tat blaming. If the bride is quick-thinking, she can apologise too, and wonder aloud whether perhaps she got your zip-code wrong (and then run home and write the missing notes for immediate posting. If she is less quick-thinking she can admit that she never sends thank-yous, and you can — illuminated by this thread — say “oh, I have heard that there are people who don’t,” and leave it at that for her to ponder.

The topic ‘Been Thinking About Thank You’s (or lack thereof)…’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors