Been together more than 5 years, sick of waiting

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
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  • Post # 2
    Member
    128 posts
    Blushing bee

    Why do you think putting up some boundaries is the same thing as giving an ultimatum or forcing? I believe it’s different and it is a very healthy thing to do. You could start by telling him you want to a serious, realistic talk about the ring. Talk about the cost, where his finances are. Can there be any compromise? Can you pay for some of it? Don’t let him dominate the conversation, this is not just his life, it is your life too. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    349 posts
    Helper bee

    I agree with the previous poster in terms of you should be as part of the conversation and decision process as him. I’d feel like he could be stalling if he insisted on buying a ring when he couldn’t with no compromise. Talk to him in more detail and explain your worries to him. How long does he expect you to wait for his finances to be in order?

    Post # 4
    Member
    1513 posts
    Bumble bee

    If you see making decisions together, and having 50/50 input, about your shared future as an ultimatum or force, that’s just really sad, bee. Where is your self respect? 

    He can force you to wait for a ring you don’t want and force you into a timeline that you don’t want – and that’s not force? He’s saying the engagement and ring is ‘my way or the high way’ and that’s not an ultimatum? 

    You don’t want to be ‘the type of girlfriend’ that forces and gives ultimatums, but it’s perfectly fine if he does it to you. 

    Can you see what it wrong with that? Please insist on stepping up the equality in this relationship. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    124 posts
    Blushing bee

    You can always tell him that you love him but must let him go because you want more in your life and you don’t think he wants it too. Men who want things move heaven and earth to get them. Don’t take excuses for an answer. Go have fun with your friends and spend some time on yourself. He will either find some other girl to waste time with or he will come back to you. Don’t accept him back unless he has a real plan and wants to include your needs in it equally. If you get back together and he doesn’t do anything, just repeat until he gets it. If he finds someone else, then you know for sure he isn’t for you. You need to show him how to treat you with respect.

    Post # 6
    Member
    787 posts
    Busy bee

    Wanting to save up to buy an expensive ring is one of the oldest excuses in the book. 

    Men who want to get married get married.

    The one common thing in most of these ‘he won’t propose’ threads is that he shuts down any conversation about timelines or marriage with an I’m being pressurised/expensive ring/any other vague comment or excuse. This  is your future you’re talking about. You have a say in it, not just him. If he can’t even commit to a conversation about what you want then he will never have any consideration for anything you want in the future.

    There are plenty of men out there who want to get married and won’t play these stupid games. Get out there and find one of them. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    7556 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: Dorset, UK

    How about you suggest using your mothers ring now and then on your 10th wedding anniversary he can buy you a mega-expensive upgrade (if it is really that important to him). The fact he doesn’t seem to understand he has a wonderful woman saying it isn’t all about the ring or the big day is worrying to be honest. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    3647 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

    It’s an excuse. You’ve already told him it’s more important for you to be engaged sooner than have an expensive ring and he completely dismissed your feelings and wants.

    A man who wants to get married gets married. It’s honestly just that simple. They don’t need to be negotiated into it. Maybe he’s not ready and is stalling for time until he feels ready. Maybe he’s not sure what feeling ready feels like. That doesn’t mean you have to hang around until he sorts that out.

    Sit down with him and tell him that you love him, but marriage is important to you and that you need to know the relationship is moving towards marriage or you’ll have to consider ending it. Then give yourself a walk date. If he doesn’t propose by that date, walk away. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    756 posts
    Busy bee

    He says he can’t wait to marry you, likely he’s been saying that for awhile now because he could get away with nothing but talk earlier on in the relationship. Now that more than enough time has progressed where he should have backed up his words with action, he’s throwing excuses at it to stall for time because quite obviously his eager-to-get-married proclamations have just been big talk. He has 2 valid options for a soon-proposal:  A beautiful family heirloom ring & a girlfriend who has told him a modest ring within his budget is fine with her. 

    And then, just in case he can’t squirm out of these reasonable ring options, he needs a special location to propose. Awww, but shucks, that’s beyond this poor church mouse’s budget as well, what’s the poor guy to do? 

    He could propose tomorrow with a beautiful heirloom ring and a romantic picnic supper he could put together for $20-$30. I’m sorry Bee, but this sounds like nothing but a bunch of excuses he’s trying to stall you with. 

    And as other Bees have already said, never hesitate to speak your mind in your relationship. Good communication is important and so is being treated as an equal partner. Besides, if he’s insisting he’s so eager to be married, why would a conversation about it be ‘forcing’ him to do something he claims he totally wants to do? Unless deep down you already know he doesn’t want to be engaged and is just putting you off with b.s. reasons. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    759 posts
    Busy bee

    Want to cut through the bullshit and figure out what his deal is? 

    Stop listening to his words and observe his ACTIONS. There’s your answer. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    1998 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    For some strange reason he wants to get me an expensive ring that he knows he cant afford.

    Translation:  I’m gonna keep using this excuse to hold her off for as long as it works.

    Sorry that’s how I see it. Bee for him to use that excuse after telling him you don’t care about an expensive ring tells me this isn’t about needing an expensive ring.  Its about him not being ready and not being man enough to say so or more likely him not wanting to say YOU are not the one he sees as his wife and pretty much ending a relationship he’s not ready to end.

    Here’s the thing…he can buy something he CAN afford now and simply upgrade later….but that’s not an option he’s even considering.  Instead he’s insisting all or nothing with total disregard to what you’ve told him.  That tells me he’s full of it.

    So why don’t you find an inexpensive ring that you love and tell him that’s what you want.  Then have a conversation about what the waiting is doing to you and how his flagrant disregard of what YOU stated you wanted in favor of unreasonable goals makes you feel.  Then set a reasonable timeline you both can agree on.

    You should see his willingness or lack therof to negotiate this like an adult as an indicator of how committed he is to this relationship.  Good luck

    Post # 12
    Member
    5705 posts
    Bee Keeper

    He’s an amazing man? He doesn’t sound very amazing to me. Exactly what does he do that’s so amazing besides tell you he wants to buy you an expensive ring that he will never be able to afford? He sounds like your garden variety man who doesnt want to commit and trots out any excuse he can in order to avoid it. The only amazing thing about him is that he’s managed to pull the wool over your eyes for so long. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    2079 posts
    Buzzing bee

    He’s pretty far from amazing. Hes good at stringing you along though.

    Why are you putting up with this? 

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    2068 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    Honestly he needs to show you that in the past 6 months he has saved up X amount towards a ring and I mean, show you on his bank statement. If he can’t show you that he has been saving up for a ring already? Then he has been outright lying to you bee. So start with that question when you talk to him. 

    You: Lets discuss the engagement ring again. You want to have x money for a ring correct? 

    Him: Yes. 

    You: Great, so we initially talked about this x months ago. I would like to see in your account how much you have saved up towards that ring since we spoke x months ago. 

    Him: I haven’t saved yet, OR I don’t need to show you that. Or any other excuse to not show you. Or he shows you and it isn’t any real savings at all. 

    You: Ok. So let’s set aside the money saving issue for now because it is now clear that saving up towards a ring was just an excuse. Because if you actually meant you needed to save in order to propose than i would expect to see proof of you saving towards that. But you haven’t saved anything substantial up until this point. 

    Him: but… 

    You: Ok, here is the deal. At this point saving up for an expensive ring isn’t an option anymore. You had a chance to prove that and you didn’t follow through. We can see you aren’t taking saving seriously and I never wanted an expensive ring in the first place. I need you to understand that I am starting to get really frustrated about waiting to get engaged and it is starting to effect how I feel about our relationship. I think you would agree that having an expensive ring isn’t worth the negative impact on our feelings for each other. So let’s come up with a game plan. I propose that we use my family ring and in 5 years we can upgrade to another ring if we still want something more expensive. How does that sound?

    Start there bee. Start with the money excuse and shed some light on that bullshit. Then you can get to the root of the issue. Tell us what he says after you talk to him. 

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