Been together more than 5 years, sick of waiting

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
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  • Post # 31
    Member
    2079 posts
    Buzzing bee

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    professorbride :  funny because I got the same impression that Sunburn did in that this man is not amazing. I included that in my post too.

    “He always tells me he wants to get married and he cant wait but he hasnt proposed…. The issue with him comes more from being difficult. For some strange reason he wants to get me an expensive ring that he knows he cant afford.”

    Someone whose words and actions do not match up is not at all “amazing.” I don’t know what your definition of amazing is, but it is not amazing to mislead someone intentionally for years, talking a good game and then not following through. It reveals a major character flaw that you can’t trust this man to do what he claims to want to do, especially when it comes to such major life milestones as this that he is misleading her about. That’s pretty much all you need to know to deduce that this person’s character leaves a lot to be desired, regardless of the little things like he’s funny or charismatic. Those things are majorly overshadowed by his inability to be honest with his partner.

    “Im sick of waiting.” Clearly OP is unhappy waiting around and he is still dragging his ass. Not amazing.

    When someone is to the point of being unhappy and resentful because the relationship isn’t progressing, that is not amazing. Far from it.

     

    Post # 32
    Member
    108 posts
    Blushing bee

     

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    neverbeenstungbee :  Yes, I saw your post. I also saw you included a guiding question – which is not the same as a post that is just bashing the man (I specifically tagged one person for that reason 🙂 ). I see this a LOT on bee. How is it helpful to just insult the OP’s SO? Seriously though – IMO this is the sort of toxic bs people complain about on the forums. We are supposed to be helping each other with constructive criticism not making the OP feel worse/using their thread as a insult free-for-all. I have to strongly disagree that a man who is struggling with a proposal isn’t necessarily a villain and that someone’s character is much more complex than what can be deduced from a biased paragraph. Things like OP being “sick of waiting” is more about OP’s character than her SO’s. I’m not saying he is or isn’t amazing FYI, and I hope you get what I’m trying to say from my post (even if he is/isnt, that imo the purpose of these threads shouldnt be to bash the SO without giving any help/advice/empathy).

    Post # 33
    Member
    311 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2016 - Tennessee

    Just sit and have an honest heart to heart discussion and let everything that you feel out. See how he responds and find out if there is a deeper reason. Good luck with everything and hopefully it will all work out 🙂 

    Post # 34
    Member
    5705 posts
    Bee Keeper

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    professorbride :  Are you engaged yet? I think you have a little too much skin on the game to be objective. 

     

    Post # 35
    Member
    2068 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

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    professorbride :  Here it the thing. Most of us women don’t have someone sitting us down teaching us what red flags to look for, what things that seem minor are actually major later on. There are no high school classes on how to pick a good life partner. So when bee’s point out on here that a person’s SO isn’t that great it is NOT to bash them we promise. 

    I know when I point out things about someone’s SO that are negative it is with the intent of pointing out why something that seems so small is actually a much deeper rooted issue. We are all trying to encourage each other to end up with a partner who is a right fit. And most of us unfortunatly learn what a good fit is by hard painful lessons. 

    Here is an example of something that might not seem so bad but it really does reflect a major character flaw. I see this one on here alot. 

    Lack of motivation – 

    • A person unwilling to do their fair share in a relationship
    • A person unable to consistently contribute to the finances
    • A person unwilling to help with the care of their own child
    • An unmotivated person is someone who doesn’t feel fulfilled or has a life purpose
    • With no life purpose they dont feel good about themselves and lash out at those around them
    • They bring others down so they dont feel as bad
    • Untrustworthy – How do you trust someone who isn’t reliable, who isn’t a man of his word?
    • Lazy
    • A bad example for future children

    That is just one example of something that early on might not look so bad. The warning signs don’t seem that awful in the beginning. Like a man who for some reason he claims is never his fault he always gets fired, or is always changing jobs. A man who you realize calls in sick to work alot, or doesn’t seem to care at all that he is consistently late to work. Things like that seem small, but in the context of spending your life with someone can be a pretty big deal. 

    That is why we point out a SO isn’t all that great. Also because we have all been in a relationship where we called a guy our “best friend” while complaining he treats us badly. Sometimes you need to hear the truth. Sometimes other people see what you do not, and other people have learned that lesson already and are trying to be helpful. 

    Post # 36
    Member
    756 posts
    Busy bee

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    professorbride :  I think you specifically tagged one person because you’re still salty about advice you received and didn’t like in your own thread. You’re really not helping OP by bringing it into her thread. Your judgment in this case is indeed clouded by your own bias. 

    OP you sound like a nice and very reasonable person. He has put up obstacles to getting engaged and you have tried to work with him to remove these obstacles. That’s unfortunately very telling. If he continues to cling to these obstacles this means he’s either reluctant to get engaged but doesn’t have the guts to be honest about it or else he’s stubbornly insisting on everything being done his way while ignoring any input from you regarding your own wishes or your own solutions (which doesn’t bode well in a partner even if he does eventually propose). 

    And of course he’s amazing in some ways, many people are. You wouldn’t have stuck around if he wasn’t- but unfortunately sometimes the good things can distract us from the negatives we should be paying more attention to (something I’ve been guilty of myself, it’s human).

    Post # 37
    Member
    3089 posts
    Sugar bee

    You’ve gotten some good advice so far…

    All I’ll say is that that every time I’ve seen a guy pull the “but you deserve this super expensive special ring that I cannot afford, even though you don’t want it, and I want you to have it” routine, it’s been a BS delaying tactic. n

    Post # 39
    Member
    553 posts
    Busy bee

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    midnightblaze :  when I was dating my now husband I let him know that at 3 years it was time to either get engaged or part ways. Nothing wrong with talking about expectations. 

    He’s giving you an excuse about wanting to give you an expensive ring…

    Focus on what you want out of the relationship.

    Post # 41
    Member
    2079 posts
    Buzzing bee

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    professorbride :  “a man who is struggling with a proposal isn’t necessarily a villain” 

    He’s not struggling. He’s just not doing it.

     

    You’re supplying excuses for this guy that you don’t know. Now to be fair, none of us personally know OP’s boyfriend, but we are going off of OP’s post, which mentions nothing about him struggling with it. 

    Something tells me you’re a bit biased in your advice because of your own personal experience with waiting. Of course it’s not fun to be told that your loved one is acting like a tool, but sometimes a little tough love is needed to help OP see reality. I apologize if the delivery wasn’t pretty, but sometimes brutal honesty is more helpful than sugar-coating a situation and giving someone false hope. 

    We will have to agree to disagree on this one. I stand by the notion that an individual who does not follow through on what they say they will do is not an amazing person. 100%.

    Post # 42
    Member
    1253 posts
    Bumble bee

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    professorbride :  

    I happen to agree with you, which will not surprise anyone who has read my comments on threads like this. I am not going to comment on your personal situation or your bias or lack thereof, but I personally am not waiting for an engagement, so I cannot be accused of that kind of bias.

    It’s not so much that I think the bees are not trying to help or are intentionally having an insult free-for-all; I just think they are a little too quick, ready and eager to come to conclusions about a person’s character based on a couple of paragraphs which is only one side of the story. Which, it’s true, is all we ever get on these threads, so you work with what you have.

    However, knowing that we are going on limited information, wouldn’t that make you cautious to come to definite conclusions and sweeping generalizations about who that person is and what they are like in the rest of the relationship? We see slurs like “jerk” and “asshole” thrown around freely here. The guy may or may not be one, but wouldn’t you want to be a bit more careful, given that you don’t know him?

    Human beings are a lot more complex than the advice presented on these threads allows. People have all kinds of reasons for their behaviour, and it does not always boil down to a character flaw.

    I’ve used the hammer and a nail analogy before, and honestly the advice given often strikes me as a hammer. People wanting to bash the OP over the head with their opinion in the name of “tough love” when they may be completely wrong. Some posters stop just short of calling OPs delusional for staying with their partners, as if they know better than the OP who that person is. Now, if there is abuse or blatant bad treatment, then by all means. But most of the time, these situations are really subjective.

    Not saying people can’t have opinions, but maybe don’t be quite so quick to come to definitive conclusions that someone is definitely x, y, or z.

    Sorry for derailing your thread, OP. Rant over.

    Post # 43
    Member
    756 posts
    Busy bee

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    indigobee :  “Now, if there is abuse or blatant bad treatment, then by all means. But most of the time, these situations are really subjective.”

    But the thing is- I’m not sure we’re in agreement on what ‘blatant bad treatment’ is. I find misleading someone and stringing them along to be incredibly cruel. 

    Post # 44
    Member
    1253 posts
    Bumble bee

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    crustyoldbee :  

    I don’t call this blatant bad treatment or incredibly cruel.

    I call it cruel when there is abuse or mean-spiritedness or vindictiveness. Cruelty is intentional. Bad treatment to me is a lack of respect and bad behaviour.

    I don’t believe failing to deliver a proposal falls into either of these categories. The man may have all sorts of reasons for not proposing. I do not think we can automatically say that = cruelty, therefore = he is a jerk.

    Not to mention, if the OP truly believes her boyfriend is treating her “cruelly,” she is free to leave. He is not physically overpowering her. Equating denying someone a proposal with ongoing torture takes away any agency from the woman.

    But my guess is, he is not actually cruel to her, which is why leaving in these situations is often so difficult or not something the OP wants to do. Doesn’t mean it might not be the right decision, but I still don’t call the boyfriend’s behaviour “cruel.”

    Post # 45
    Member
    756 posts
    Busy bee

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    indigobee :  No-one is equating any of this with ongoing torture, such hyperbole is quite perplexing. 

    And yes, I do agree that it isn’t always 100% clear cut what is going on, nor does ‘leave him!’ apply to every situation. 

    BUT the majority of these women posting about waiting are already in unhappy situations and reaching out for advice- so if a lot of the advice given seems negative or (to you) extreme, the percentage of negative responses are a direct correlation to the percentage of negative situations OPs find themselves in. 

    And very often there are ‘red flags’ sufficient enough to warrant leaving a relationship. But numerous Bees in less clear cut situations are often advised to have a serious talk with their partner. Occasionally therapy. Occasionally the Bees side with the partner and not the OP, occasionally more information is requested to get a clearer picture of the situation. So advising a Bee to leave an unhealthy relationship is given frequently but not blindly- and in direct correlation to the percentage of OPs posting about unhealthy relationships. 

    And I think you’re completely missing the point that in many, many cases the misleading IS intentional. A guy can feel anyway he wants about a proposal- he can not want to marry ever, he can not be ready, he can not want to propose for a multitude of reasons- but the problem is, he’s not being HONEST about  it. I don’t know how much more plainly I can state this. But he agrees to timelines he doesn’t mean, he tells his partner what she wants to hear to get his own way (ie moving cities for him, buying a home with him etc) then stalls for time, puts her off, blames her for bringing it up, then changes the goalposts mid-game. 

    You don’t have to torture someone or physically abuse them to be a cruel partner. Playing games with their heart and making empty promises for their future is cruel. And it’s intentional much more often than you purport, not to mention incredibly selfish and insensitive. 

    And it’s quite unsettling and contradictory that you dismiss all of this as a woman being ‘free to leave’ as she’s not being physically restrained, yet chastize Bees for advising someone with conflicting emotions that it might be healthiest to leave.

     

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