Been together more than 5 years, sick of waiting

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
  • poll:
  • Post # 46
    Member
    572 posts
    Busy bee

    I have no judgement about the individual situation/who is a jerk/who is unreasonable, because I do not know these people. I’ve tried to judge these kinds of situations in the abstract before, and have always either felt like I was doing more harm than good or like I ended up discussing more with other posters than the OP which is hardly the goal *hint*.

    The one opinion I will express over and over again on threads like this is: If you have gotten to the point where you’re asking a group of strange women on the internet what to do about a problem in your relationship, your relationship is in trouble regardless of whether or not he is going to propose, and you should spend your energy talking to him/a therapist. If that seems like too much trouble, it might be time to think about leaving.

    Just my two cents.

    Post # 47
    Member
    1256 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    crustyoldbee :  

    If you re-read my posts (carefully please), you will see that I was referring specifically to the tendency to assassinate the character of the OP’s partner, which I think is unwise given that we know so little about him.

    Nowhere did I chastise the Bees for giving advice to leave.

    In fact, I specifically said that leaving might often be the right decision, but that it was the fact that the partner is not cruel to her which makes it so difficult.

    Post # 48
    Member
    5733 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I call cruel not caring about your partner’s needs and dismissing them. Dangling the carrot of proposal always just out of reach, but hey, it’s still there, right? But you don’t need to see blatant and cruel behavior to come to a conclusion that the relationship has passed its sell-by date.

    But these women aren’t staying because the man isn’t cruel to them. They’re staying because he’s become a habit and they’re afraid that if they let go of him they might not find someone else. So they stay and remain unhappy. 

    Post # 49
    Member
    1761 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Realistically, how long will it take him to save for a $5000 ring?  You have told him it’s not necessary as you just want to get engaged and move forward with your futures, so he knows how you feel.  But if he’s stalling and taking his sweet time to get you this ring, then he’s not ready to propose or get married. As others have said, if a guy wants to get married, he will get married.  And it’s not as if you are expecting a $5000 ring, so why can’t he just pick out a ring for you that you like that he can afford now and get it done?  I’ll never understand why guys talk about wanting to get married and how they can’t wait to marry you….and then don’t do it.  This is extremely frustrating for you and I hope you don’t have to wait more years for him to come around.  

    Post # 50
    Member
    1573 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    I also think it’s cruel and “blatantly bad treatment” to mislead a woman into spending many of her last reproductive years with you by lying to her about your intentions. If any of these men said flat out “I’m not ready and I don’t know when I will be” instead of making promises they don’t mean to keep, it would be very different.

    All of these men will be able to screw these women over for another 2, 4, 6 years, break up and go on to father biological children if they want to. Stealing that time from women in their late twenties and thirties can realistically change her entire life trajectory. Some women are CFBC. Some are one and done by choice. No woman should have to be CFBAssholeEx. 

    Watching your partner cry because you’re a liar is indicative of cruelty. Taking time away from a woman that would have been spent on her own life, with her own friends, on her own separate hobbies, or finding someone more suitable for her, just because you can’t tell the truth is blatantly bad treatment in my book. 

    Post # 51
    Member
    10133 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    View original reply
    coffeecakez : 

    CFBAssholeEx

    Gawd, I love this.  May I use it?

    Post # 52
    Member
    756 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    indigobee :  I can assure you that it is not lack of careful reading causing me to disagree with your posts. 

    View original reply
    coffeecakez :  You raise a very important point. If someone is CFBC that is absolutely a valid choice to be respected and someone who is CF because of medical reasons, this is something to be sensitive and compassionate toward. But someone who is CFBAssholeEx….this is so unfortunately awful that a Bee lost her window of opportunity because she stayed too long with a man she trusted to keep his promise, because she had a hard time walking away because she loved him and he kept telling her ‘soon’ with no intention of soon.

    We’ve seen threads where a woman is actually talking about freezing her eggs and doing fertility math leaving her window smaller and smaller as she calculates the timeline for proposal/ wedding/ pregnancy even as it slips away from her. And he’s still telling her ‘soon’ and he needs it to be a surprise. 

    Post # 53
    Member
    1256 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    crustyoldbee :  

    I never said it was.

    You are more than welcome to disagree; just don’t misunderstand/misrepresent what I’m saying.

    Post # 54
    Member
    201 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    I was with my husband 11 years before he proposed. He was in the mindset that he had to get a ring that was at least 2 paychecks worth because that’s what he saw on the internet. He had been saving for a ring for years! When I told him I didn’t care about the cost if the ring and that I just wanted to marry him he agreed on us buying an inexpensive one and proceeding on with the arrangements. 

    Your boyfriend seems to be using it as an excuse to not get married or it wasn’t discussed well and deeply enough that it doesn’t matter what ring you have. 

    Talk to him, if he still insists, make an ultimatum. If that still doesn’t work move on. No need to stay in a relationship that won’t move forward. Especially if marriage is important to you. 

    Post # 55
    Member
    756 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    montrealbride2017 : He had you waiting for years because of something he read on the internet? 

    Even if you bought that, it’s not a good story. I’m glad it eventaully worked out for you in the end, but this is hardly a positive anecdote just because you finally had a conversation with him after 11 years and he relented and went ring shopping. I’m even giving this the benefit of the doubt that you started out young and likely meant 4-6 years of waiting, not the whole 11, but you do say he claimed he was held back from proposing because he was saving ‘for years’ 

    Post # 56
    Member
    201 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    View original reply
    crustyoldbee :  we started dating very young and marriage wasn’t on our mind for years. When he started looking for rings (without telling me) he was a struggling university student trying to make ends meet. People and the internet were telling him that rule of thumb was 2 months worth of income is what you need to save up. (Made a mistake in my previous post). Maybe naive, he realized he couldn’t afford anything and started saving up as much as he could to buy me something based on what his mindset was (The two month rule). It’s hard to saved up thousands when your a struggling university student. A couple of years later when we started talking about marriage more seriously he told me he was disappointed it was taking so long as he was trying to save up for something nice and special. I told him then that i didn’t need a expensive ring or an extravagent wedding to be happily married to him. So we compromised and planned a wedding based on what we both could afford. It was a great event and we’ve been happily married for almost 2 years now. 

    I did not doubt my husband at all during the process because what he was doing was out of love and he didn’t know better. My anecdote was probably not well explained and maybe you probably think its still not a positive one but i don’t see it that way. My point was i was trying to tell OP to talk to her boyfriend and make it clear what she wants. It could work out or it could lead to a result where both participents want different things.  

    Post # 57
    Member
    2017 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    View original reply
    montrealbride2017 :  Are you telling me people are STILL using an old DeBeers marketing campaign (specifically meant to create an inflated market price) as a guide to by e-rings as if it was the gospel truth?    I have to give it to them tho….that is the most successful gotcha campaign ever created.  

    Please tell me he now realizes believeing that mess was a mistake and you both now know that diamonds are deliberately and quite grossly, overpriced!

     

    Post # 58
    Member
    3058 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    View original reply
    montrealbride2017 :  um in another post you said it took him over a decade to agree to marriage because “he wanted to be sure where his life was going” and to be financially secure….  

    Op, stop allowing him to jerk you around. You deserve better

    Post # 59
    Member
    1256 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    mrstodd2bee :  

    For heaven’s sake, 

    View original reply
    montrealbride2017 :  says she is happy with her husband and marriage and that it all worked out for them. She is not asking for people to dissect her situation – she was just offering some perspective for the OP.

    Is there some kind of deliberate bias to to always twist things so that women who wait look like schmucks and the guy looks like a tool? I’m so sick of it.

    If women say they are happy with their relationships, don’t keep picking until you get the answer you want. Just leave them be.

    Post # 60
    Member
    1573 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: City, State

     

    View original reply
    sassy411 :  Of course!  I wish someone had pointed out this possibility when all of my friends and I were in our 20s. 

    View original reply
    crustyoldbee :   Yep.  If there’s one thing that can break that sunk-cost fallacy it’s the concept of higher losses in the future.  If a woman wants biological children, relationships like this can completely end that possibility for her.  Most men can spend 15 years from 25-40 intentionally pissing away various women’s reproductive possibilities and still have babies on their knees at 43.

    Leave a comment


    Find Amazing Vendors