Post # 1
So, I’ve been wanting to get engaged for probably a year if not longer. Me and my boyfriend have been together 4 and a half years and lived together for nearly two and we have an amazing relationship. We’ve talked loads about getting married, what we’d like at a wedding, having a family etc.
I was really hoping an engagement would be coming this year, and I found out by accident that he’s bought a ring. I haven’t told him I know it’s coming, but all of a sudden I feel nervous and unsure if we should be getting engaged now.
I don’t know if it’s because we’re still fairly young (both 24 – although we’re very mature for our ages and we have already taken big steps e.g. we co-own a car) Or if it’s because of the pandemic and feeling like it’s not the right time, or I’m just scared that people won’t be accepting or happy for us, and will instead judge us for being young.
I feel as well since I found out by accident that I’ve ruined the experience for myself because it won’t be a surprise – so that may also be another reason why I suddenly feel unsure. It’s like I want to call it off before it happens, just so he can decide to do it another time and it’s a surprise again. But obviously I couldn’t do that to him.
Anyway I guess I’m just asking for some help and advice. I just want to be excited and happy when it happens, and not feeling regret or worry about what others will think.
Post # 2
I found the receipt for my ring on my now husband’s desk when I was using his computer. He didn’t propose for a couple of months after I found it. I even had a strong suspicion that he would be proposing on the day he actually did and neither of those events ruined the actual proposal. I think you’re letting too many “what if” scenarios get in the way and cloud your judgement. For what it’s worth, I don’t think 24 is too young, especially since you’ve already been living together for a while. Also, just because you get engaged now doesn’t mean you have to get married right away. 1-2 year engagements are perfectly normal. Take everyone else out of this equation. Take the current pandemic out of the equation. Do you want to marry this man? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? If the answer is yes, then take a breath and enjoy this exciting time in your life!
Post # 3
hi there! i think its normal to feel some apprehension at the idea of a major life change (marriage) but it sounds like you are really happy with the relationship and the man and not doubting either of those things. i personally think you need to be mature enough to not care what other people think when you get engaged or you are not old enough. i dont think your age has anything to do with that. (could be 22 or 32) but i find it honestly immature that you are worried about other people’s opinions about you getting engaged. it’s about understanding YOUR MARRIAGE is about you and your partner and you don’t give a fuck about anyone else’s thoughts because you are SO CONFIDENT in the relationship. with that being said, if you DON’T feel that level of confidence about the relationship and marriage, then by all means have a convo with your significant other and ask to slow things down and put the engagement on the back burner. Honestly, a proposal is NO BIG DEAL and should not cause any issue if it’s not a surprise. In my opinion, some people put WAY TOO MUCH attention on the propsal being a suprise and have this weird notion that it’s somehow “ruined” or “not special” if they know about it. Who cares? A proposal is saying “lets spend the rest of our lives together, ya?” and I do not think it not being a surprise in any way lessens the momentous decision you are making to join your lives together. Today proposals seem about the instagram photo or you being able to say how surprised you were and how romantic it was and those things ultimately don’t matter. Please do not micromanage the proposal so it’s a surprise. you’re a big girl, you don’t need a surprise, you need a marriage. (unless you really do need it to be a surprise, which i personally cannot relate to, in which case, talk to your partner)
Post # 4
You mention a few different potential reasons for you doubts here:
1. You’re worried you’re too young.
2. You’re not sure if it’s the right time due to the pandemic.
3. You’re worried other people will judge you.
4. The proposal is no longer a “surprise.”
Honestly, from an outsider’s perspective, the only one of these concerns you should pay attention to is number 1! I don’t see why the pandemic would impact your engagement. I got engaged in April of 2020, right in the heart of fear and total lockdowns and complete unknowns about the future. But we got engaged anyway because we loved each other and we want to make a commitment to one another. Right now is a much better time, pandemic-wise, than this same time last year! People are returning to more normal lives and we have access to effective vaccines. It seems like the pandemic doesn’t need to factor into your choices too much at this point.
As for 3 and 4, those are non-issues. Who cares if other people judge you? If you’re mature like you mentioned, the opinions of others shouldn’t matter too much to you. The same goes for the “surprise” aspect of the engagement. An engagement is a generally considered an commitment between two people to get married. It absolutely doesn’t need to be a surprise (and I would honestly argue that it shouldn’t be).
So all that’s left to worry about is your own sense that you’re too young to get married. That’s worth exploring further. Why do you think you’re feeling that way? Are there things you want to do or experience before you get married that you haven’t yet? Would you consider a long engagement, where you get engaged now and married in two or three years? Or would you rather continue dating your SO and get engaged at another time? Alternatively, are you really concerned about your age at all? Or are you just worried about what other people will think?
Wow, sorry for the long reply! I hope everything works out for you!