(Closed) Been with my SO for almost 4 years and still no ring

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I think you deserve to know what he’s thinking first before any stay or go decision.  My guess is that he may very well have that 4 year timeline in mind, and i think you should wait to see what happens.  However, it doesn’t hurt to simply, casually bring it up.  Is there a way you can do it (and choose to only have one conversation–you’re doing great at not nagging or forcing, so keep it up!) and just casually say something about how “you’ve been reflecting on your life and you still know you’d like to get married and have kids, and you were just wondering what he was thinking about that as you guys are approaching 4 years together?”  Just a simple basic question asking his opinion.  Then at least you were fair in letting him know it’s been on your mind; you’re fair in giving him a chance to say or act upon wanting to keep you.  And if 4 years comes around without a proposal, then it’s time to move on if you’ve already been feeling resentful…

Post # 3
Member
6879 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Oh my goodness, I seriously could’ve written basically this exact post 6 months ago. It sucked! We had had so many marriage conversations and I knew he wanted to marry me, he just hadn’t pulled the trigger yet and it was driving me crazy! I did my best not to nag him about it, but it was difficult. 

Anyway about one month before our 4 year anniversary he proposed while we were away for the weekend. It was a total surprise and I was so happy. I’ve asked him what made him decide to finally propose but he can’t explain it. It was just the right time I guess. I think one of the big things for him was saving up for the ring. Even though i told him I didn’t even need a ring, he wanted to get something worthy of me (his words). 

Now while we plan our wedding, I’m so glad he waited. We’ve gone to so many weddings together over the years that we know exactly what we like and don’t like. 

So all I can say is hang in there bee. Trust me, I know it sucks but if he’s truly the one than it will work out. And if 4 years come and it doesn’t happen, maybe sit him down for a honest conversation about what’s going on and your feelings. Best of luck!

Post # 5
Hostess
3986 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

My Fiance proposed after 7.5 years of dating, though we are a bit younger (26), I felt the same way you did about wondering why it was taking so long. My younger sister got married last year to her Boyfriend or Best Friend of 4 years and all of my college roommates married men that they met after we graduated from college before we even got engaged. It can definitely be hard when you look at other relationships, but their relationships are their own. I also didn’t want to force my then-BF, now Fiance to propose, and didn’t bring up the marriage convo until 2013 (we had said for years that we knew we wanted to marry each other eventually, but there was no timeline). We were both in grad school and I don’t think he was really ready at that point, though he said that he could see us getting married at 27 (we were 24). I thought that it sounded like forever, but thought I would finish law school before really worrying about it. In late 2014, he announced to his family (in front of me) that he was going to marry me soon and started saving up for a ring. I am SO glad that I expressed my thoughts, but also let him propose on his own timeline when he was ready.

Basically I’m telling you my story because a lot of people will say “oh you’ve been waiting X years??? He’s never going to propose, walk away!” Sometimes that certainly is true, but you can’t know if you don’t have an honest conversation with him. I would frame it more “Having children is really important to me and I’d like to be married before I have them. I’d also like to have kids around X reasonable from now age. Are we on the same page here?” If he’s willing to discuss it with you, I would take that as a good sign. If his timeline is a little different than yours (say, your 5 year anniversary instead of your 4th) that might be something to compromise on. Good luck bee! It can be a tough conversation to start, but hopefully it will give you some clarity on the issue.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by  missinthecity.
Post # 6
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I was in the same position as you about 6 months ago. Our 4 year anniversary was coming up and I had had the talk with my boyfriend twice before. I was even more pressed for time because I’m 35 and wanted to possibly have a child a year to two after marriage, but before I was 38. The last talk we had, he said we would get married, but he did not want to be pressured into proposing and was waiting for the right time for him (who knows when that would be). I let it go again because in the long run I love him and wouldn’t want to break up. Cut to two weeks before our fourth anniversary, the last day of our beach vacation, he proposed (end of June). We got married a week-and-a-half ago. The proposal really caught me by surprise. I thought I would have to wait another year. I’m not sure why he decided to propose. It just finally felt like the right time for him.

Post # 7
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

We were together 6 yeasrs before he proposed, I’m 27 and he’s 28.

He’s the one who always talked about marraige in the beginning when I wasn’t really interested bu I started going a bit wedding crazy at 24.

That being said, we broke up twice while long distance so I knew we had to hurry it up and be in the same place for more than once or twice a year if we wanted to stay together so we had the marraige talk again and he proposed once he had enough money for a ring.

I definitely think the timeline depends on the couple because I’ve had friends get engaged who have been together for longer and shorter period of time than we were.

Definitely have the talk to just voice your concerns and make sure you both are on the same page. 

Post # 8
Member
418 posts
Helper bee

I feel ya girl!!! I am in the same position and have watched his younger siblings meet their SOs, date and marry in no time at all while we are going on 5years.  We have been to over a dozen weddings together and each one gets more and more difficult.  We are both now in our 30s and should be more than ready to get married… so I get the frustration.

I know it sounds like nagging, but you need to have another serious conversation after your 4yr anniversary (just in case he has something planned).  Find out if you are still on the same page and still want the same things within the same timeline.

Post # 9
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I didn’t read all the comments but I had to tell you my story. Some men just need a push. I had been with my boyfriend for 5 years. After two I told him that I would stop pressuring him as long as he starts thinking about marriage. We live together and were practically married but I wanted the ring. I know I already had the commitment. One day I asked him why no ring yet. He got very defensive and was very mean for the first time in out entire relationship. He was a scared dog lashing out. After that, I let him you the if he didn’t propose by the 6th year I was out. Months went by and I was tearing myself up inside. So I holistic doctor he said I had to make the choice. You must be willing to sacrifice in order to move forward. I did not want a life without him but I was unwilling to wait for him to pull the trigger more years down the line. So I can home and said you need to decide today right now. Get engaged or I will leave. He said he didn’t know and I said you do know and you maybe afraid and I am too but it is time to make that decision. I was ready. I was not mean, I was very loving but firm in my conviction that the decision had the be made. He didn’t want to loose me and we are getting married in April. It may have not been the most romantic event but we are both happy I gave him a nudge. He has really imbrued the whole experience. It is not that he didn’t want to married me but he was afraid of something associated with it (still not sure what) he was more affair however of loosing me. I new that he was going to choose to marry me however I was also willing to walk out that door that day if need be. So it’s you choice. What are you willing to sacrifice.
Hope that helps, Just my story, you have to make your own choice.

Mimi

Post # 10
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I could have seriously written this post. I am dealing with the exact same thing. Every single time I see someone else get engaged, married, or annouce a pregnancy I ALMOST LOSE MY SHIT. I try to be happy but I cant get past why it isnt happening for me yet!  Been dating almost 3 years. We agreed on a one year timeline of getting engaged 7 months ago. Which honestly I dont know if he agreed just to shut me up or if he was being sincere. He even suggested we go away to the beach and get married! He hates the beach! I am trying so hard not to resent him and let him be ready on his own time, but in the mean time it is killing me. Aldo, most of my friends are married with babies and they CANNOT relate. All i feel when i talk to them about it is that they are sorry for me. Or they say oh i am sure he has it planned out. IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by  waitingintn.
Post # 11
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

I have been with my SO for 8.5 years, we’ve lived together for 3 years and we have a 2 year old son and still no ring so I feel your pain!

I think the best advice I was given was to have a serious timeline talk with my SO about when we wanted to get engaged/married. There shouldn’t be any threats or ultimatums because people typically don’t respond well to that but he should have no issue with having a timeline talk about your future. When I broached the subject with my SO he asked me to be patient and give him until the end of the year. I also asked him to be honest with me about his feelings about marriage as I didnt want him to feel pressured into doing something he didn’t want for himself. The only way to get through it is to hash it out and have these discussions that sometimes can be a little uncomfortable.

Post # 12
Hostess
3986 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

 

View original reply
aqualeah:  It sounds like you handled this really well!  I hope it works out 🙂

Post # 14
Member
3264 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
nessak24:  at your ages why would you tell him you were ok with 4 years? At the time you must have felt like he wasn’t anywhere close to wanting to marry you.  It’s only a few more months at this point.

Post # 15
Member
3310 posts
Sugar bee

I could have written this post about a year ago… It’s normal to feel jealous when you see others around you getting engaged when you want it for yourself! My Fiance (that still sounds weird to type lol) proposed 2 days ago, a month after our 4 year anniversary.

I had to sit him down at the start of the year and explain why I needed a timeline. I told him I needed to know because I would need to plan my university studies and work around when we wanted to get married and have kids, he completely understood. I still wanted to put a firecracker up his butt at some points when I was feeling a bit down that he hadn’t proposed, but I am glad I didn’t nag him and he did it on his own accord 🙂 My advice, talk to him and tell him why you need a timeline.. I mean you’re 31, you can’t wait forever!

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