(Closed) Bees-did you have any fears which dissipated after marriage?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Did you have doubts/anxiety before marriage
    yes, and i walked away for good : (2 votes)
    7 %
    yes, but i stayed and once married, doubts dissipated : (8 votes)
    28 %
    No : (19 votes)
    66 %
    I regret walking away : (0 votes)
  • Post # 2
    Member
    1444 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Liberty601:  Marriage does not fix your problems.

    This doesn’t seem like a normal level of hesitation to me. I suggest you seek counseling.

    Post # 3
    Member
    3242 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Why haven’t you moved out to live with your boyfriend? That’s clearly the next step that you need to take. You will continue to be babied for as long as you allow it. And you need therapy. You might have OCD. There is a form of Pure O ocd where girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses etc obsess over the possibility that they may not actually love their partner even though when rational, its obvious that they do. Its called intrusive thoughts. It can be very debilitating for some people. Look it up if you don’t know of it already. 

    You need to move out. You need to take a risk. And look into Pure O. I feel like you might have that over your relationship.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1980 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Marriage isn’t a magic wand that fixes problems. Marriage doesn’t fix anything at all.  You’re still the same person, and your fears will not go away just because you get married. I’m sure you could talk to a lot of divorcees who thought marriage would help their relationship.

    I mean, yes, marriage is a big step, it’s a sign of committment, it is a willingness to support another person for the rest of your life. It’s a partnership and an extension of yourself. That can be scary! But ultimately, your day-to-day is what you make it. Marriage does not have to mean you “settle down” or change your habits. You can do whatever you and your SO agree to together.

    I’m not an expert, but your anxiety does seem to hinder you. That’s not to say that your fears are irrational! They are totally normal, and I’m sure everyone has a pause to one degree or another. But it doesn’t need to be debilitating. Do you know where these feelings come from? Abandonment? Insecurity? Maybe you just want to experience more to feel like an “adult” (not saying you’re not an adult, but actually feeling like an adult was something that was important to me).

    Since you talk about your lack of independence, maybe you should move out and try living on your own for a bit. You have to stand on your own two legs before taking on a husband, imo. How old are you? You don’t have to start moving towards marriage at this point, no matter your age. You can still be commited and loved without a ring on your finger.

    Lastly… Think about the life you want to live, and the future you want to build. Do you and your SO have similar goals? Can your SO fit in your life’s vision? Does your SO make you a better person? Your SO can be a perfectly good partner and an amazing person while not being the right fit for you. Talk about your future and your expectations. See what comes of it.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1980 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Liberty601:  You’re welcome! I think what I’m trying to get at is: things, especially related to anxiety, never just “go away.” Do not get married while having these doubts. You have to do something about it, whether you can without the help of a therapist or not.

    And don’t talk about moving out, just do it. Your parents don’t need to be told that. Just go and do it. You’re more than old enough to.

    Best of luck!

    Post # 9
    Member
    1576 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    You should move out on your own. It should give you the learning experience you need to know if you are just afraid of being away from your parents, or if your gut is trying to tell you that you don’t want to be with this man.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1918 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2016

    Liberty601: It does seem that you need to seek counseling. Your fears may not stem from your relationship but rather you are using the relationship as a scapegoat for your fears. You really should talk to a counselor, live ON YOUR OWN for a least a year- I caps that to mean, do not move in with your boyfriend. You need to know you can be OK on your own. Don’t go from being dependent on your parents to being dependent on your boyfriend. You need to see a counselor on your own.

    Post # 11
    Member
    3725 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Liberty601:  I did not have your exact type of anxiety but I was really worried about the “forever” part of marriage. I spoke with my dad about my feelings and he confessed that he too was equally scared way back when. When I asked him if he ever had thought of divorce prior to marrying my mom, he admitted yes, that he was “comforted” by an escape plan if needed. I know some bees think this is f’d up but whatever. When my mom heard him say this, of course she did get upset. However, it was reassuring to know that those thoughts can occur in a sound mind and a good marriage can be had. Heck, they’ve been married 47 years so I guess they figured it out.

    Since I’ve been married, those “rescue thoughts” have left. They were not prevalent in my mind but did crop up every once in a while when I realized what this whole marriage stuff was about. So I do believe some cold feet and doubts are ok. However, it’s kind of weird though how you keep saying you cannot stay away from him. Perhaps you need to consider being a fully independent adult who is able to please herself in all aspects of her life without needing a human to cling to before you get married. Independence is waaaaaay sexy. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    1039 posts
    Bumble bee

    Why are you justifying to your parents that you’re 28 and you need to learn to be on your own? You said it yourself – you’re 28. Move out already and start taking some responsibility and risks.

    Marriage isn’t going to fix or make anything easier. If anything, wedding planning and joint life decisions after marriage are going to be stressful, constant and tough. But you will have each other and that’s the whole point.

    If you are still overwhelmed post-transition, you might want to seek professional help and clue your Fiance into what you’re feeling because that level of hesitation sounds far more serious than just anxiety about your relationship progressing.

    Post # 13
    Member
    3242 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    “Pure-O” OCD: Common Obsessions & Mental Rituals

    This is quite a good website I think. It will explain ocd to you. Pure O is pure thoughts rather than compulsions. But fear you don’t love your spouse is relatively common in Pure O sufferers. I have a vested interest in mental health. I plan to study it at university when we have the money. What I can tell you, is if you are having obsessional thoughts and panic attacks related to those thoughts, and if you are quizzing yourself on that one thing for more than one hour per day solid, its likely to be OCD. There are forums you can go on to see what others say. I’m not saying you have it, but you definitely have symptoms of it. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    1444 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Liberty601:  So you don’t think feeling suffocated, confessing that to your Boyfriend or Best Friend, and upsetting him to the point where he broke up with you, qualifies as problems? Do you really think your feelings of suffocation and his pain from feeling rejected by you are just going to go away on their own?

    In my opinion, normal doubts are about being hesitant about committing to spending the rest of your life with someone, which I feel is rational and healthy. I had these right around when I got engaged. But when I got engaged, I was only 22, and Darling Husband and I had only been together for a year and a half. And these feelings did go away on their own, in just a few months, well before we got married (we were engaged for 15 months). One thing that helped is that we lived together for a year before we got engaged. During that year, we had some arguments, and it took time for me to accept that every time we argued, it didn’t mean that we weren’t right for eachother, or that he was thinking about leaving. But now I understand that being with another person, even someone you’re great with, can be hard sometimes. No one is perfect, no two people have exactly the same wants and needs, and you have to grow, and you have to grow together. Personally, I don’t believe being happy 70% of the time is enough, or 100% is realistic. I feel that I’m happy 95-99% of the time, and that works wonderfully for me. But another thing is that happiness isn’t based wholly on a relationship with a partner. Sometimes shit happens, and sometimes being an adult is hard.

    I truly believe counseling, as an individual and perhaps as a couple, will really benefit the two of you, and assuming the two of you are meant to be, I don’t see how it could hurt.

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