(Closed) Bees, help me. I am furious at husband…

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 62
Member
15144 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

What about compromising and making a fire pit you like such as that stone one.  You can use wall stones from home depot.  We made a great looking good sized one 10 stones roune 3 high, so about 75 bucks.

Post # 63
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think if you have to compromise on the pit he should have to deal with gas. The fact of the matter is when his (hopefully they are both of yours) conspiring friends are over they will want to use it and if you have an issue because its ‘real fire’ does that mean you have to go sit alone inside? I think gas is the obvious solution where you both concede. But…if my Fiance had gone and done that behind my back after we had discussed it and hadn’t reached a conclusion I would be livid. I would probably move the stupid thing too and refuse to discuss it for a day or so till I calmed down. 

Post # 64
Member
9124 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

View original reply
@pocketfox:  A cat lives in your house and sheds 24/7.  A fire pit lives in your yard and burns about once every two weeks for a couple hours, a few months a year (in my expert experience as the owner of a fire pit).  The fire pit is avoidable, the cat isn’t.

Post # 66
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Lol, Mr TTR and I had this “debate” about 2 years ago.

He likes these fire pits… I’m pretty neutral on them (don’t have an issue with firepits as I certainly am a gal who enjoys a good camping trip… something he’s never done… so hence I think the “fascination”)

Anyhow, long story short…

They were on sale one day at Canadian Tire… and he bought one and brought it home.  (We had talk about them previoulsy… and I wasn’t a fan… and had told him so).

BECAUSE … among other issues, they are YES against the bylaws in our rather built up area… he didn’t give no never mind to that… saying that he’d deal with the issue ONLY if someone reports him

I haven’t been a fan of the unit… and consequently since we’ve owned it, I think we’ve only used it a half-dozen times or less.  And if I am around then I am really strict with him about making sure the fire it totally out (bucket of water, stir etc.  ala Smokey The Bear).  Told him that was the price he’d have to pay with me… AND IF someone reported him, then he’d have to deal with it… as I won’t be in his court on it… he’ll be up against the Town Council.

Anyhow…

Last year we added a Big Gazebo to our yard… something I’ve always wanted, and he thought was a “cool” addition.  I planned it, and paid for it.  The fireplace fell by the wayside, because now it is off the patio and onto the grass (more flamable) so we’ve used it even less.

I’m looking to get an outdoor gas / propane fireplace / firepit now because it will go better with our new Gazebo… PLUS I have friends who have said they love them because they can just fire em up and enjoy their Gazebos longer in the season… Early Spring thru Late Fall without a lot of hassle (just light em up… and they are on… just turn off the gas, and they are off).

This was all factual… being able to have a longer season outdoors with the existence of a Gazebo that came equipped with privacy curtains and a propane heater to keep the warmth inside.

These factors attributed to his being finally sold on the idea… so we’ll be looking around for a propane alternative shortly… (the wood fireplace is alreadly listed on Kijiji).

As to your own situation…

I’d tell him your concerns (Local Bylaws are not to be sniffed at).

BUT I wouldn’t play the underhanded game of “hide & seek” that is pretty juvenile IMO

You guys need to be able to talk about issues… including this one.

Lol, altho I would have to say that us gals can be ingenius at times in turning our guys heads, without making them feel wrong, inferior etc.  Just as I have done here with my own solution to the problem.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 67
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Here’s my take:

 


 

 

 

If he hadn’t gone behind your back and bought the pit you probably would have come to a compromise anyway. 

 

 

 

I do think that you can compromise here, making sure you like the look of the pit, having a movable one, making him promise to clean up afterwards and only using it when you aren’t around/when the wind won’t carry the smoke towards the house. Etc.

 

 

 

 

 

BUT, what do you do now that he has humiliated you in front of his friends, betrayed you by going behind your back and generally making a mockery of you? You do this:

 

 

 

 

 

1) Have the “compromise” conversation. In fact, the best way to start this would be to start saying “Honey, I want to talk about you getting a fire pit, I think we can make this work for both of us” If possible, don’t yet let on that you know he has already purchased one. This way you put the fire pit issue to bed and solve it. THEN:

 

 

 

2) Start the “I don’t like how you have gone about this and I feel very hurt and like you’ve made a mockery of me” conversation. Hopefully this will then separate the “it’s just a fire pit” from the “you went behind my back” conversations. They are two different things, the first being a small disagreement with compromises and the second being a much larger issue which he really needs to apologise for. 

 

 

 

 

 

I hope that what I have said makes sense, but you essentially need to make it clear that this is not about the fire pit, it’s about his attitude towards you and your own opinions. 

 

ETA: I HAD paragraphs. Not sure where they went.

 

Post # 68
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@mspartridge:  are you serious? Fire pits are AWESOME! And ifyou get a free-standing one there will be little to no mess. I promise, there will be some memorable, romantic nights ahead for you and your hubby around the firepit. 😉

Post # 69
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@mspartridge: 

I think you just need to breathe and let it all go. He won, he definitely got a reaction out of you, and you are now complimenting a crazy rage around town?? I mean really? 

 

I say you ask him about it when he gets home, discuss it with him. He will be in the wrong, because he went behind your back but I mean is it really worth fighting over? Give him the fire pit, then hold it over his head until the next time you want something he doesn’t.

 

Good Luck, OP. 

Post # 70
Member
6738 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I knew there had to be more to the story.  “You got the house you wanted, now I get to make it the way I want to.”  That’s not going to work.

You asked how to get him to not have his way?  I wouldn’t hide the fire pit, I would return it.  When he comes home, you tell him that it’s going back s that you can BOTH go TOGETHER and you can pick a firepit you BOTH like.  If he wants a firepit, the compromise has to be gas (if that is better for you) or the compromise has to be a nice stone one that you will like to look at or whatever. 

And make him buy you some marshmallows to roast over the firepit, maybe then you’ll like it better.. roasted marshmallows are delicious.  🙂

At the same time, tell him that what he did was wrong on so many levels and that you’re going to be the bigger person and compromise anyway – I’m sure that will make him feel really tiny. 

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