(Closed) BEES, HELP: Moral Dilemma!!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@MrsBudz2Bee:  It’s always tempting to share info like this with our friends. My ancedote – my friend was being cheated on, so I told him. He immediately confronted his partner, but he ended up siding with her and stopped talking to me. It’s always a risk because perception is reality and people will believe what they want to believe.

It’s not worth getting involved in other people’s drama, and likely you will be the one to get burned. She may accuse you of being jealous (women love that), trying to sabatoge her relationship, etc. You can’t save people from pain, they have to experience life and discover it on their own (just ask my mother – trust me, she’s tried, lol).

The only thing I would consider is suggesting things like, “have you seen the trophy for x championship” or, “he must be so proud of that degree! I wonder where he displays it?” Liars almost always get caught eventually, so while I may drop hints, I don’t think I would say, “soooo I checked up on your partner…”

Post # 4
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee

Most will say to stay out of it, but I say tell her.  My stepdd got caught up in a relationship like this last year.  Guy was a very talented smooth talker and had many educational accolades.  They were all lies, and he physically and mentally hurt her badly.  Tell her.

Post # 5
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

This is a tough one, since you have a history of not liking the guys she dates (even though you have a good reason not to). 

I think what you need to determine whether you would want to know about these lies, and whether they impact her relationship with him down the line. I don’t really think it matters that he says he has millionaire NFL player friends, but if he’s lying about his education, it could be a problem – what else is he lying about???

If you are absolutely certain this is a bunch of bull, take her out for coffee and broach it very carefully. Say, “If I were in your position, I would want to know…” After that, it’s up to her what she wants to do. At least she can’t confront you later on and be mad at you for not telling her. Just be prepared for her to be upset (and probably embarrassed) once you share this with her. I think her knowing is for the best.

Post # 7
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would absolutely stay out of it.  She knows how to use Google.

 

Post # 8
Member
8594 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MrsBudz2Bee:  i would tell her.  tell her that a few things didn’t add up and it was bothering you.  tand that you will support her with any decision she chooses.

 

Post # 9
Member
7652 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would think your friend would already be asking these questions like wanting to see photos and what not. I guess if my Darling Husband had said he flew to Paris with Morgan Freeman I’d ask to see pics or something because seriously who wouldn’t take pics of that!

I would let him sink himself becuase eventually she is going to want to see pictures or something.

Post # 10
Member
731 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I would straight-up tell her. A friend’s sister ended up having children with a pathological liar only to find out that he blew all of their savings on gambling and was carrying on like three affairs at the same time. I would certainly want to know if I were here, before I invested more of my time into a relationship with a liar.

Post # 11
Member
11343 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I am always in favor of being honest, having integrity, and doing the right thing in any situation, no matter how difficult that may be. 

However, what makes this situation different is that you actually do not KNOW anything.  You have not  uncovered evidence of something negative. What you have  done is NOT  found evidience of something positive.

I would continue to keep your antennae raised; however, I don’t thnk you have any factual information to pass along to her at this point, so I would not raise the issue.

 

Post # 12
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Unfortunately, people like this are very good at what they do.  You can drop hints all day, I can guarantee that he’ll have a slick answer for every question.  People like this usually only get caught when they go too far with the lies – going from being on a championship team to being an Olympian, that sort of thing. 

The other thing to remember is that confronting the liar will create an us against them mentality.  When he convinces her that he’s being truthful, it goes with the ‘they’re just telling stories to keep us apart’ BS. 

The only thing I can suggest is to maintain the friendship, and encourage her questions.  Like if she mentions never seeing any trophies or college degrees or anything else, just say ‘huh, that IS weird’, and let her process it. 

Post # 15
Member
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Another bee had a similar situation, which turned out well in the end but not without a lot of stress and back and forth between she and the friend and the guy in question.

I think there is a real risk of you damaging your friendship by coming out and saying “So I googled your new boyfriend and…” If she’s previously dated bad guys and this guy is treating her well, she may be overlooking the signs that he may not be everything he says because she wants to believe this one is a good guy. I think she might get defensive and upset with you if you tell her, and I think even dropping hints would lead to the same result if she caught on to why you were hinting.

I think in this case I would keep being her friend, and keep communication open and see where the situation goes. You haven’t actually found concrete proof, so I would just sit on what you think and wait and see.

Post # 16
Member
9552 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

The only real evidence you have is that the school didn’t win a national championship in those specific years. That is actual fact which can be easily researched. The rest is suspicious, but not really proof. What I would do:

The next time you’re out say something like “Hey, what year did Jack win the national championship with XXX univeristy? I wanted to see some pictures and I must have gotten the wrong year, because when I looked it up such-and-such college won that year.” 

That isn’t accusatory but will get her thinking. And if she doens’t follow through, it’s because she doesn’t want to. If she doesn’t take the hint I would drop it. If you push it or outright accuse him, she’ll get defensive and may take his side, even if he is a liar. 

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