(Closed) BEES, HELP: Moral Dilemma!

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MrsBudz2Bee:  This is a hard one: he could just be one of those people that spins fantastic stories to entertain people. My mother is like that: she would lie even if the truth served her better. And usually it’s harmless, for example:

 

-“I was Miss Congeniality in the Texas Junior Miss Pageant” Truth: was in one, small local pageant in high school.

-“I used to drive a Benz when I lived in Vegas” Truth: nicest car she has owned is a VW 25 years ago.

-“My old boyfriend ______ was the love of my life. We were going to get married, you know.” Truth: guy told my aunts he had ZERO intention of marrying my mother.

 

Now, that being said, she also uses lying to con people, and THAT is a problem. She met her 5th husband online, where she told him she had several degrees and came from a family “with cattle.” Obviously, this would lead people to believe she is educated and well-off. The truth: our family owned 2 cows briefly in the 70s (so I guess not technically a ‘lie’) and she has ZERO college experience. Her soon-to-be ex husband bought her lies hook, line and sinker only to find out she was broke as a joke. In addition, she will convince people she is suffering from a disability to get goverment aid and help from churches.

 

It’s up to you to gauge what’s happening with your friends Boyfriend or Best Friend: is he just lying to be entertaining and it’s harmless? Or do you think he’s a con artist and compulsive liar? My vote is to sit back and keep an eye on everything.

Post # 4
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@MrsBudz2Bee:  I wouldn’t tell her, she’s been listening to his BS since January so she must be fine with it.  Plus, sounds like at least he’s better than the guys she’s dated in the past.

Post # 5
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

MYOB….. it’s not for you to research her dude. Let her do it and if she chooses not to, then she’ll deal with it. Go plan your wedding and don’t be so intimately involved in her life.

Post # 7
Member
1935 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@MrsBudz2Bee:  Blah, what a tough situation! I have a tough time backing down when I know the truth about something, but in this case, I think you should let it ride… for now. You said he treats your friend very well, and until recently, you and your Fiance were enjoying getting to know him. 

So, make a mental note of this, and continue to get to know him. If the lies continue to accumulate, perhaps it’s time to say something. But I think for now, especially to avoid drama before your wedding, you should simply keep an eye on him, and an open mind. 

Post # 8
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

@MrsBudz2Bee:  I do – and we all respect boundaries. Most of us have been friends 25 years + because of it. But then, we all left our 20’s a long time ago, so we no longer behave like children.

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 9
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I wouldn’t say anything outright. I had a similar situation with my best friend and she got upset with me and we didn’t speak for two months.

 

If you hang out with him again I would just ask for more information. Pretend you are really interested and say you’d really love to see his awards and keep asking for more information and see if it’s hard for him to come up with details. Or bring up your phone and say “oh cool! I’d love to see the picture of your [fraternity, athletic team, etc.]. I’ll look it up right now.” and see how he reacts.

 

But then again, sometimes I like to be passive aggressive.

Post # 10
Member
463 posts
Helper bee

Don’t tell her straight out that you Googled him and he’s a liar. Since you said it may not have crossed her mind, encourage her to check him out for herself. Just have a normal conversation about Googling new boyfriends and how everyone obviously does it because it’s such a darn good idea. If you Googled any of your dates, tell about that. Maybe throw in a funny story about a couple who found out they were actually distantly related, or a girl who thought she found out her boyfriend was a felon but it was actually another guy with the same name, or whatever. Normalize it to her and try to make her curious about it.

Post # 11
Member
4699 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MrsBudz2Bee:  Typically when you have to take a break from a friendship, you should not rekindle it, people become part of our pasts for a reason.

Now, you’re wound up in her drama again, citing a moral dilema because of it. This sounds exhausting and toxic. I wouldn’t tell her, I would actually cut ties with her.

Post # 12
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Oh man, I honestly would tell her. He sounds exactly like my ex boyfriend. I lived with him for two years and had no idea he was a con artist sociopath who was lying to me the whole time. he was absolutely charming and everyone loved him, but he was always bragging about the school he allegedly went to and his made up job and accomplishments. All lies. Not only that but he’d go on “business trips” where he was actually just gambling and cheating on me with multiple women. It wasn’t until my friend started to date his brother that I noticed some of his stories weren’t true, so I did some digging and figured it all out. But I really with someone had warned me earlier and saved me two years and the serious trust issues I still deal with today. 

Post # 13
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Personally if it was my friend I would have called her the second I realized all of it was a lie and ask her if she knew anything about it or if I was just lost my google touches.  Friends are supposed to be there for each other and have each other’s back.  I dated a compulsive liar and fell for everything, I wish I had a friend that googled him and told me it was all a lie.  She may be upset at first but if she is truly your friend she won’t let this get in the way of your friendship even if she decides to stay.  I personally would come out and say but you could try what @4cube: said and get her to do it.  I hope everything works out.

Post # 14
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

we all have the distant friend who spins the truth…Leave it alone. If she truly loves him and deals with all that stuff…she knows. Trust me.

Post # 15
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I would just ask her if all that stuff he said is really true.  If she asks why, just say b/c it seems far fetched. She may know he exaggerates and if not, this may prompt her to dig deeper.  I wouldn’t fess up to the snooping. 

I’d also ask if he could get you tix to a football game.  Just in case there’s some truth to his stories, it would be good to get something out of it!! LOL

Post # 16
Member
10574 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

I would probably just bring it up when the 2 of us were talking.  Something like the new guy you’re dating seems great!  Where does he get his elaborate stories from?  They’re entertaining!

That depends on the relationship though.

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