(Closed) Bee’s, I DESPERATELY need your help. Terrified for my sister!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 107
Member
9481 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@leafgum:  She has tried to meet up with him.  He’s flaked out several times.

Post # 108
Member
9831 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

i am so sorry you have to deal with this, i don’t know what advice i can give you beyond what has been given, (HUGS)

Post # 109
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Its hard to see someone you love make a huge mistake in your mind, but you have to let her make her own mistakes. She will learn, and sounds like she is learning the hard way, but you need to let her do it on her own. I’m not trying to be hard, but I have been your sister….i was in an abusive relationship for 4 years and I didn’t see it, when everyone could. I detached myself from my friends and family, and looking back I am VERY embarassed I let myself get in that situation. He is and always will be a loser, and I tell myself I wish i had listened to everyone, but honestly, I think i needed to see it for myself. I’m sad and embarassed it took me four years TO see it, but the important part is that i DID see it and got out of it. I now have a 7 year old daughter who is the best thing that came out of it and we have no contact with him whatsoever now and I am engaged to the best man and have two great step-daughters and another baby with my fiance.

She obviously knows how you feel, and if you keep at her she will lean towards him that much more. I can’t say much negative stuff about online dating as I met my fiance online, and he knew what i looked like but i didnt’ know what he looked like when we went on our first date. We’ve been together just over 2 years now. But before that I met a LOT of doozies and 95 percent of them were with someone else or after one thing……but once I met my now-fiance online I just had that “feeling” he was the real deal.

I hope she sees the light. and I totally would be protective over my sister too. but she is a big girl and let her make her own mistakes.

Post # 109
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Its hard to see someone you love make a huge mistake in your mind, but you have to let her make her own mistakes. She will learn, and sounds like she is learning the hard way, but you need to let her do it on her own. I’m not trying to be hard, but I have been your sister….i was in an abusive relationship for 4 years and I didn’t see it, when everyone could. I detached myself from my friends and family, and looking back I am VERY embarassed I let myself get in that situation. He is and always will be a loser, and I tell myself I wish i had listened to everyone, but honestly, I think i needed to see it for myself. I’m sad and embarassed it took me four years TO see it, but the important part is that i DID see it and got out of it. I now have a 7 year old daughter who is the best thing that came out of it and we have no contact with him whatsoever now and I am engaged to the best man and have two great step-daughters and another baby with my fiance.

She obviously knows how you feel, and if you keep at her she will lean towards him that much more. I can’t say much negative stuff about online dating as I met my fiance online, and he knew what i looked like but i didnt’ know what he looked like when we went on our first date. We’ve been together just over 2 years now. But before that I met a LOT of doozies and 95 percent of them were with someone else or after one thing……but once I met my now-fiance online I just had that “feeling” he was the real deal.

I hope she sees the light. and I totally would be protective over my sister too. but she is a big girl and let her make her own mistakes.

Post # 110
Member
5091 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

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@MissComicBook:  I just saw this post.  I can’t offer anything more than the PPs have done, but please keep us updated.  I’m worried for you and your family.

Post # 111
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

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@leafgum:  I really agree with you. I see little danger in a guy who’s pretending he’s someone he’s not, and who won’t meet OP’s sister. I”d be much more worried if he was actually wanting to meet up with her, and not being honest about it!

Sounds like a geeky teenager or young adult who’s never had a girlfriend in RL, is very insecure of his looks (hence no real photos), of his life etc.

I’d just be worried he would eventually break your sister’s heart when she finds out who he really is (if he doesn’t just disappear), but sounds very unlikely it will be anything other than that.

Post # 112
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@Rouquine:  Ah, I had missed that, i guess. Well, even better… this shows even more that it’s probably harmless.

Post # 113
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

the fact that you can’t find him in the student directory leads me to believe that he’s giving her a false identity. I went to a large college (30k people), and when my biological father was trying to find me, that’s how we initially connected. He had my name and knew where I went to school. And although the school couldn’t give him my information, the admin office contacted me and let me know that he was trying to get in touch with me and I let them give him my email address. I googled him and found a picture of him at a high school reunion. The Internet is a small place – if you can’t find any trace of a person, it’s very hard to believe that they exist under such a name.

He seems flaky and the relationship sounds tumultuously emotional, but surface level (maybe not to your sister, but to me, yes). random photos prove nothing – why not a skype date? why just texts and phone calls? it’s weird when you go down that mysterious path and wind up with nothing but confusion.

Post # 114
Member
802 posts
Busy bee

totally agree with 

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@blondebride2012:  

You can’t prevent your sister from making mistakes. You went through an abusive relationship, but the two of you are not the same person. Obviously you don’t want her to be in a situation that would lead to that, but yelling at your sister is not going to solve anything. I also think that you might be taking your frustrations at yourself out on your sister. It seemed that what you were yelling at her about, the making loved ones worry and hurting them, those are things that you feel guilty about. But you’re not the same person, and you might not necessarily walk down the same path. Keep a catchful eye out for her, but trust her fate to bring her somewhere safe. 

She’s 19, she may be young and naive, but show her a little more trust and respect. Otherwise she’s just going to shut you out, and then where will you be when she actually is in trouble? It sounds like she’s thought about whether or not this guy is creepy. It also sounds like she doesn’t actually really care too much about this relationship. She already knows the things you are telling her. If she doesn’t think it’s too big of a deal, we don’t have to jump to the worst conclusion. Sometimes when you’re 19, you just don’t really care about a lot of stuff. It might be convenient for her to have a boyfriend, someone she doesn’t actually have to see or know that well, just a distant figure while she does her own thing. At the same time, she can reap the benefits of having an older, wealthier boyfriend when people ask her if she’s dating.

Or she could have made this guy up. 

I’d be more alarmed if she were vehemently protesting against you, or adamantly defending him. That would mean that she is really invested in him. She would say more stuff like “I can’t believe you would say stuff like that! You don’t even know him, he’s such a great guy .. etc etc” But instead it sounds more like … eh yeah I know you think he’s creepy …. I don’t get why you’re yelling at me though … I don’t feel like listening to this so I’m going to bounce. Which says to me that she’s not actually that invested in him, but he is convenient since that means she doesn’t have to date other people. 

 

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