Sigh. I miss @MrsMilitaryBee on this kinda thread.
OP: I know you’re tired. Exhausted. You’ve been putting up this front, this mask, for so long now. The mask of ‘everything is fine’ when inside you are nothing but a big pile of nerves, self-blame and self-loathing. I know that.
You tried to be extra careful after the first time he ‘put his hands on you,’ you waited while he went to the anger management course, then you held out for a bit, and he still ‘put his hands on you’ again.
Bee, you are NOT alone. You HAVE isolated (or grown distant, if you’d prefer) yourself from your parents by not letting them see and telling them the truth. I have a feeling you’ve done this with friends and other family members as well. So you’re isolated – not alone. This means you need only send a text message, call someone or speak out. It will take tremendous energy to do so because you’ve been expending tremendous energy to NOT do it, does that make sense?
BUT…in situations like yours, you’ve been expending far more energy into covering up, lying and pretending than you’ll actually use to get out. Imagine you’re in a pool, swimming in the deep end (=adulting). Now imagine you’ve been treading water for a long time. So along the way you’ve gotten tired and let yourself sink for a few seconds, then you’ve panicked because you were sinking so you kicked back up to the surface again. Then you treated water some more. Then you got more tired. Let yourself sink some more. Kicked back up to the surface. You’ve done this A LOT.
‘Right now telling your parents feels like you’d be sinking all the way to the bottom of the pool. The shame. Oh, the shame. And it’s only been 8 months! (That’s what the sick part of your head says, right?) BUT, if you let yourself sink ‘that low’, you can actually use the bottom of the pool to bend your knees and propel yourself upwards and OUT. If you were in the pool, wouldn’t that be so much easier than quasi-drowning for a long time? It works here too dear.
Here’s what’s at stake: your life. If you stay with him, if you keep quiet and protect HIM, you will die. He will either (eventually) kill you, or you will (eventually) kill yourself (metaphorically or physically).
And I know you want to love and be loved. I know you want to feel the sun shining on your face again and again. I know you want to wake up being happy just because. I know you yearn for those things. Fight for THAT.
Please reach out to someone close to you who will help you (read: not someone like his mother).