Bees I need advice about my husband. Very tired , stressed and depressed

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee

Don’t stay in an unhappy marriage.  As others have said, tell your parents what is going on and let them help you.  If my husband and I ever found out that our daughter was in an unhappy marriage and being mistreated by her husband, we would be totally heartbroken and he’d be out on his a** so fast his head would spin. You need to have a good support group around you right now and you need to get away from this man.  Staying with him will lead to depression and low self-esteem for many years. You deserve more and you deserve to be happy.  Don’t waste anymore time thinking things will get better – start living your life and being free of him and getting stronger again.

Post # 17
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

zzar45 :  thats how far I got as well – honestly did not even read past that line.

 

Marriage is not a magic potion that fixes broken relationships nor makes things appear that weren’t there before.

Post # 18
Member
4830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

diamondgirl523 :  Tell your parents and have him leave.   Since his mother is defending him I feel certain she will take him in – and if she doesn’t someone else will.    Once he is out of your life you will feel so much better – you are now carrying a heavy load.    I walked a mile in your shoes, and getting out was the best choice I ever made.  You can do it.  And please keep in touch.  *HUGS*

Post # 19
Member
11640 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

You’re tired and drained by design, it’s part of the abuse cycle that keeps you there. 

Stop blaming yourself. Here’s a list of things to do, do them without thinking about it. Just do them:

1. Decide you are going to put yourself first. Stop sharing information with him. Stop second guessing yourself. Put all of your energy into getting out safely. You can think about it later, when you’re safe.

 

2. Call RAINN or local domestic violence shelter 800.656.HOPE (4673). Do this from your mom’s phone or landline if you share cell phone bill with him. If you can’t call, you can chat with them on their website but make sure you erase the history. 

ask for help putting an exit safety plan together and ask for local support, including a referral to counseling and a divorce attorney who specializes in abuse and restraining orders.

do not tell him you spoke to them 

3. Figure out who you can trust to share the abuse with.

Your mom or dad? A close friend? An aunt? Someone who can see through his manipulation and loves you completely. Someone who can lie to him to keep you safe. Tell this person you are being physically abused and you want to plan an exit. Ask them for help based on the safety plan you make with domestic violence counselor. 

 

That’s it.

 

Take these steps and don’t think about how you feel. Your feelings are going to betray you right now. Your gut knows this isn’t right, you deserve safety, and he can’t ever provide safety. Treat yourself like you deserve to be treated, like all creatures deserve. 

 

Post # 20
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I agree with PP in finding shelters in your area. Your situation is scary and you DO NOT deserve any of it. It is not your fault. My mother stayed with my father for decades in an abusive marriage bc she was afraid to leave. Please don’t do that to youself. Other bees have provided some really helpful places to start so I hope you use them. Whatever you do, don’t try to work it out with this man.

 

Please check in with us. xx

Post # 21
Member
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I know you’re hurting.  This is a situation where you have to put you first.  You’re obviously finally seeing that this man isn’t the right man for you.  Obviously you can’t go back and not get married, but you CAN take charge of your life right here and right now.

The first step will be to talk to your parents.  Tell them what is going on.  I know you are embarrassed but they NEED to know.  They can then help kick him out.  Obviously he isn’t going to get out with you telling him to, but it is THEIR house.  They can kick him out and help you with that.  If he doesn’t leave, then they can call the police and forcibly remove him.  You cannot worry about his housing situation, you have much bigger fish to fry.

Second, get a divorce and a restraining order, immediately.  This will help to protect you from him.  He sounds dangerous when he is drunk and/or angry and that really isn’t good.  Protect yourself first.

Third, stay with your parents for as long as you need to.  Get back on your feet.  Let yourself heal.

Post # 22
Member
38 posts
Newbee

zzar45 :  Be kind. She was young and naiieve, not stupid. don’t have to be mean. She’s obviously feeling very vulnerable and she didn’t come on here to feel worse she was looking for support and I feel women should build each other up instead of tearing each other down. SO saying “OMG why would you think that” is not helpful its just hurtful and condescending because she already feels bad. So please remember to be kind and try not to make the woman feel worse. 

Post # 23
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Sigh. I miss @MrsMilitaryBee on this kinda thread.

OP: I know you’re tired. Exhausted. You’ve been putting up this front, this mask, for so long now. The mask of ‘everything is fine’ when inside you are nothing but a big pile of nerves, self-blame and self-loathing. I know that. 

You tried to be extra careful after the first time he ‘put his hands on you,’ you waited while he went to the anger management course, then you held out for a bit, and he still ‘put his hands on you’ again. 

Bee, you are NOT alone. You HAVE isolated (or grown distant, if you’d prefer) yourself from your parents by not letting them see and telling them the truth. I have a feeling you’ve done this with friends and other family members as well. So you’re isolated – not alone. This means you need only send a text message, call someone or speak out. It will take tremendous energy to do so because you’ve been expending tremendous energy to NOT do it, does that make sense?

BUT…in situations like yours, you’ve been expending far more energy into covering up, lying and pretending than you’ll actually use to get out. Imagine you’re in a pool, swimming in the deep end (=adulting). Now imagine you’ve been treading water for a long time. So along the way you’ve gotten tired and let yourself sink for a few seconds, then you’ve panicked because you were sinking so you kicked back up to the surface again. Then you treated water some more. Then you got more tired. Let yourself sink some more. Kicked back up to the surface. You’ve done this A LOT. 

‘Right now telling your parents feels like you’d be sinking all the way to the bottom of the pool. The shame. Oh, the shame. And it’s only been 8 months! (That’s what the sick part of your head says, right?) BUT, if you let yourself sink ‘that low’, you can actually use the bottom of the pool to bend your knees and propel yourself upwards and OUT. If you were in the pool, wouldn’t that be so much easier than quasi-drowning for a long time? It works here too dear. 

Here’s what’s at stake: your life. If you stay with him, if you keep quiet and protect HIM, you will die. He will either (eventually) kill you, or you will (eventually) kill yourself (metaphorically or physically).

And I know you want to love and be loved. I know you want to feel the sun shining on your face again and again. I know you want to wake up being happy just because. I know you yearn for those things. Fight for THAT.

Please reach out to someone close to you who will help you (read: not someone like his mother).  

Post # 24
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

Get out!!!! Get a restraining order on this guy. Call the police to help escort you, your belongings and any pets that you might have to a safe place.Inform your place of employment so they will not let him onto the premises. See an attorney and kick this guy to the curb. He is an abuser. Get out and do not be alone for any reason.

Post # 25
Member
1593 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

diamondgirl523 :  First of all, no judgment here. Abusive relationships are not as cut and dried as “well if he hits me I’ll leave”. Abusers are stealthy, working up to increasingly severe abuse so you sometimes don’t realise you’re in danger until it gets really bad. Then the cycle of abuse restarts and you get the “I’m sorry, I’ll change” period where they are really nice and sincere and treat you like a princess. It’s like that theory where if you place a frog in boiling water, it will jump right out, but if you put it in cold water and increase the temperature it’ll stay there until it boils.

I was also very embarrassed to tell my parents about being in an abusive relationship, especially because I moved in with him against their wishes and did the whole “you just don’t understand, it’s true love!” thing. The first step should be to tell your parents and get their help in kicking him out. If they refuse to help, tell a friend and find somewhere safe to stay. You can call the police and explain the situation if you feel he will not leave quietly, or you want to give him a day to collect his shit but feel like you, your parents or your home are in danger.

Next, visit a lawyer. My ex also tried the “I’ll take you for everything you have” divorce threat – never happened because neither of us had any real assets and although I earned more, I didn’t support him and he had a job. I’m not a lawyer but if you have no kids and no assets, I don’t think he will be able to follow through on that, he’s just trying to scare you.

I would also block him on social media and contact your phone company to see if you can block his number. Block his shitty family too. Tell him that all communication must be through lawyers or your parents, and that if he contacts you in a harassing manner you will inform the police.

You will have times when you feel embarrassed, lonely or like you miss him but please stay strong. Lots of women get through this and go on to have much happier lives. 

Post # 26
Member
1086 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

merrymargaret :  Did you see that they live with her parents?  Getting out is going to be a little harder, I think. 

Post # 27
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

jw2b :  These are wretched things to say.  To say that she is depriving her parents?  Anything she does cannot be for her parents, but for herself.  And how brutally condescending you are to tell her what she already knows and is suffering severly about.

Post # 28
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

diamondgirl523 :  Go to a woman’s shelter now.  Do not give out the address.  Let the women there give their support and assistance.  You must live.  I assure you, you would not feel any relief if you were dead, so you wouldn’t get any pleasure from it.  The earth would be missing one good human, and that is it.  You must live.  Call a woman’s shelter and leave, and live.  Please.

Post # 29
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

PaperQueen :  That’s why I posted for her to call the Police to escort her and any  pets off  the property. Seeing the police arrive may wake up the parents and the husband.

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