Post # 1
So I get home from spending the weekend at my parents house and I am visiting my Fiance at work (he works at a gas station). He tells me that he has something he has to tell me. I ask if its good or bad and he says if he tells me I would worry……..Im like ok now you have to tell me! so he says I will go on break so met me around back so we can talk. I am thinking a million things in my head, is it something to do with the wedding, something with our relationship, did he cheat? Of course I was in panic mode, when I meet him out back he pulls out a pack of cigerattes and says “I’m a smoker” I almost laugh and think this has to be a joke. I have know Devin for 7 years now and lived with him for 2 years. There is no freaking way he smokes……or so I thought. First thing I ask is how long, and he says it has been a month or two (yeah he hid it from me that long!!) I asked how much and he said it use to be only 1 or 2 a day on his way to work but since his grandma died recently it has jumped up to about 5 or 6 a day. It to every ounce of my being not to scream at him for lying for so long and turning to smoking instead of talking to me!! He broke down and told me the reason he hid it was because he didn’t want to disappoint me. He said he knows that I am too good for him and he doesn’t deserve my uncoditional love and he hates that this is just another reason that he doesn’t deserve me…..(his words)
Now Im stuck, Part of me is so mad that he lied to me for so long and hid it from me……when he started this new job 2 weeks ago we had a conversation about how just becasue everyone takes a smoke break doesn’t mean he should take up smoking and he promised he wouldn’t. Now we have talked about the lying and I explained to him how lying NEVER helps. But I still am so angry and it makes me sick to think about how much he lied to me.
Now the other part of me knows I need to suck it up and let the anger go becasue he needs me right now. My Fiance can not quit smoking on his own he barely has the will to complete homework on time!! But idk where to even begin with helping him quit smoking…….both our fathers struggled for years unsuccessfully to quit smoking. I say he needs to quit cold turkey but he says that won’t work and he needs to ease into it and it will take time. What do you wise all knowing bees think? How can I help him quit? what is the best way to go about this?
Post # 3
Idk…I don’t see that huge deal.
I mean being a smoker isn’t a good thing for health reason obviously but he’s an adult and can make his own decisions.
I don’t categorize that as being “the shock of my life” kinda thing personally.
Be mad for him keeping it from you if you want but other than that he can make his own choices IMO.
Post # 4
I have no advice….Darling Husband is struggling with his nicotine habit that he’s had for MANY years….it is a very difficult thing for him. Although, if he just picked it up a couple months ago, can he really be that hooked already? (I really don’t know, i’ve never smoked) Good luck to you both!
Post # 6
I’m going to preface this by saying I smoked for 6 years or so before I quit for good about 2.5 years ago. I quit cold turkey. When it his $4 a pack I decided it wasn’t worth it anymore. Not everyone can do it like I did and it was HARD.
So, he’s been smoking for a month or two? He can quit and he can quit now. Easing into quitting only after smoking for 2 months max is a silly thought to me. He’s just easing into being a smoker at this point. It’s not so ingrained in him that he craves it.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but as Crisark said, he’s an adult. Just remember he has to want to quit for himself, not for others or to please you or it will never stick.
Post # 7
I’m with Crisark, I was expecting something a little crazier than smoking. He sounds depressed based on his breakdown. Just be supportive as he tries to qiuit.
Post # 8
Honestly, this sentence you wrote, “He said he knows that I am too good for him and he doesn’t deserve my uncoditional love and he hates that this is just another reason that he doesn’t deserve me…..” would bother me much more than the fact that he is a smoker and hid it from you. Of course I wouldn’t like that he smokes, since you said he hadn’t for the entire relationship thus far, but what he said above is more troubling. Take this with a grain of salt, but from somebody who smoked, do not try to make him stop. He has to WANT to stop. You can support/encourage him, but only if he wants to. You cannot make him stop unfortunately.
Post # 9
@Crisark: agreed. I thought it was going to be something serious. He just started smoking, it won’t be that hard for him to quit. Maybe he needs a job where everyone else isn’t smoking, if he can’t help the urges.
I say this, having smoked for 7 years and quitting 5.5 years ago. I did it cold turkey, and couldn’t be around other people who smoked, so I stopped going to bars (when you could still smoke in them). It was a sacrifice I had to make in order to keep myself from smoking
Post # 10
Crisark : I wasn’t meaning it was the shock of my life becasue it was so horrible but becasue we have talked so much about how smoking is horrible and he even critized our fathers for exposing use to such dangers. It was a shock because we are together so much I was surprised he could keep it from me so well I honestly had no clue and would of been my last guess. And he came to me because he knows he can’t do this alone and he says I am the strongest person he knows and he will need me for that.
NOTE:He wants to quit.
Jazziberry: so you know where I am coming from. I thougt the same thing but I also have no experience smoking (never even tried it). He swears he is hooked but 2 weekends ago we went on a 3 day trip to Kansas and he didn’t smoke once the whole trip. so I know he can do it I just need help figuring out how he can. I also don’t want to get him to quit and then he start up again and be so ashamed to tell me. He needs to quit and quit now before it gets even harder for him to quit.
Post # 11
I have to disagree with PP I would also be extremely shocked if my husband suddenly told he smoked and had been smoking for a month or two and I’d never seen any sign of it on him. It would worry me because it shows he is good at hiding things from me and would also worry me because its such a bad habit that affects not only his health but our finances as well.
Post # 12
@bells: I agree with you.
I’d be shocked, too. Not because my husband isn’t an adult, but because I know my husband. And if he decided to start doing something so out of character, that would qualify as “shocking.”
Post # 13
First off, does smoking for 1-2 months get you so addicted that you would have trouble quitting? I guess I’m asking, how long does it take to become addicted to nicotine?
Secondly, does he want to quit? It sounds like he doesn’t.
Lastly, do you want to be with a smoker? That is a big deal for many. If you’re okay with it, then you’re okay with it. But, if you don’t want your house smelling like smoke, or you don’t want him smoking around your kids, or if you don’t want to smell smoke on him and his clothes, you have some serious thinking to do. If you don’t mind those things, then it’s no biggie.
Post # 14
Thanks bell and Gemstone: You girls know what I was trying to get at. It is so out of character for my Fiance and I am terified that he was so good at hiding things from me. Normally he is not good at keeping secrets (we were best friends in high school and I always found thing out).
And im sorry but smoking is a big deal to me. I grew up in a smokers house and every male on both sides of my family smokes. My grandfather cant even walk five feet without having to have an inhaler. I don’t want that for him. Also my children will never have the life I did. also we barely get by as it is we do not need this excess waste.
and once again he came to me because he wants to quit he asked for my help because he knows if I dont know the right answer I will go out and find it. And he wants the best shot at quiting…
Post # 15
@Jenn23: Totally this! He may be depressed and needs help with that far more than being a smoker for 2 months.
Post # 16
@jessiesbabe: I agree. I think there are bigger issues right now than the smoking problem.