Post # 1
For those who may not have seen any of my other posts here is some background – if you just want to read the question move to the * (or for super speed reading **), SO and I have been together almost 8.5 years. We met at 19 and have been together ever since – I moved over seas to be with him (although it’s only an hour flight as I live on an island) we studied together, graduated together, went and lived in another Country together as a post study gap year. We have a great relationship and get on very well supporting each other financially, emotionally and with our careers.
At around the 5 year mark I thought this was it… waited but nothing – at the six year mark waited… but nothing – by the 6.5 year mark I asked what was going on and SO said that he have never given marriage much thought. As the months went by more friends in 2-3 year long relationships started getting engaged and this (with some gentle persuasion) started getting his thoughts on the right track. January 2011 (our 7 year anniversary) SO said that we could go an look at rings (yay!). It’s almost 1.5 years later….
*I’m 99% sure he has the ring as I know he’s saved up the right amount, saw a receipt in his wallet from our jeweler (i was very good and didn’t look at how much), overheard a stifled conversation or two about going to collect something for (last) saturday. We go away on Tuesday to his parents place in Spain – and i’m sure that’s when he’ll pop the question.
Well the horrors of facebook this morning revealed a male friend of mine had just got engaged to a girl he’s know for about 4/5 months! I don’t know her so I can’t comment – but what get’s me is everytime I meet this guy he asks if SO and I are engaged yet(in a nice way – not a ‘why not’ kind of way)? So I guess all my waiting has helped some other girl out there as he saw how tired I was of waiting and didn’t want his new Fiance to do the same. I don’t know why this one hit a nerve but it did and I was pissed off this morning – SO to told me not to be childish about someone’s rash decisions – which was like poking a bear with a stick!
**I unleashed a little out on SO, but then started to think about how all of these years of waiting have stopped me from being the fun loving person I used to be and have turned me into some hateful bitter person that neither of us like very much (it’s only every now and then i’m bitter and twisted). I’m sure the engagement is just around the corner (within the next few weeks) but I feel that it is the white elephant in the room – I always wanted my engagement to be a celebration and be excited about it, but now I’m scared that it’ll be relief and more like a chore. I’m worried that whenever I look at my ring there will be a twinge of resentment – I don’t want that. I don’t want all of the magic to be taken out of a proposal i’ve been waiting for for so long.
I love him and miss him desperately if he’s away even for just 1 night, and would be completely lost without him. I don’t want anything more than to marry him and live happliy ever after, but I would hate myself for living with the slightest twinge of resentment. – It may well completely dissappear when he proposes I don’t know.
I completely undersand any bees who are thinking ‘well at least you’re getting a proposal’ – this is what I would have though too.
Any other bees ever felt like this?
Thoughts/words of encouragement are more than welcome….
Post # 3
Ho yes, I know what you mean! My biggest fear is that I’ll be worried he only did it because I pressured him into it.
He’s had the ring since November, so again, I empathise! I don’t really have any advice apart from the norm, you know, try and not think about it, chill, relax, enjoy some me time. I know it’s hard, believe me, and you are a saint for waiting so long!
Post # 4
even though i’m really not very experienced in this area at all, i hope i can say something of small relevance 🙂
i’m sure that it’s been so difficult waiting for such a long time, and these other engagements are obviously not very easy to hear about! but, and i can’t say for sure but i imagine, when you do finally get that proposal, i can only think that all this WILL go away! you’ll be so happy and i very much doubt that any small residue of resentment would trump that happiness.
if you do feel it, maybe you could try not thinking of it as resentment, but that you waited such a long time because you knew he was worth it, and it was only difficult for you to wait to be engaged because you wanted that with him so badly. if i was in your position, i think i would probably try that 🙂
i hope your trip is great and you get what you’re wishing for!
Post # 5
I think that since you are pretty sure it is finally coming that you really just need to think about it like the other posters said. Clearly you love him and it is worth the wait. I look at it kind of like my schooling. My friends will all be graduating in May and I am a year behind them because of failing a class. Nothing really turns out the way we want it and once I got over that horrible feeling I could get back to my life. I think life is happening how it should I actually got to spend a lot of time with my SO last summer since he is a year ahead of me. So it has all worked out although I have taken the long route and you have too! I think it is great that you have stuck around til he is truly ready because I think it shows how strong and committed you are to each other! Good luck and be patient 🙂
Post # 6
Life doesn’t always turn out how we envision it. Try to be happy with how things are. Even after the proposal, when you start planning your wedding, you’re bound to set yourself up for disappointment if you try to make every single aspect of your wedding day perfect. There’s nothing wrong with hoping for the best, or dreaming about the future, but you’ll also miss out on many great things if you focus on everything that doesn’t go exactly as you’d hoped.
Post # 7
I typed a detailed response then accidentally deleted it! 🙁 Can’t bring myself to retype it so I’ll just say….. I wish I had sat tight when I was in your shoes, no matter how hard it was. And I still regret the meltdown I had a couple weeks before Fiance proposed. TRUST ME, you want it to be completely voluntary…not influenced by you. If I’m being honest, I’ll admit that after 8.5 years you may just look at the ring and think LONG OVERDUE. But you don’t want to look back at your proposal and have feelings of guilt because you pushed for it. Since you KNOW he’s gonna do it, try your BEST to fall back and let him do it when he’s ready. I wish I’d taken this advice 🙂
Post # 8
I would advise trying to switch you thinking from resenting the long wait to thinking of it as being 100 percent sure. The couple on Facebook hardly know each other, not a good idea at all. You have taken your time and well maybe he needed more but at the end of the day you get to marry the man you love. All of this focus on a wedding when it is one day in a life time. Think of it as waiting what feels like a lifetime for a life long love. 🙂
Post # 9
i posted this a couple of days ago, seems to be similar in tone as far as resentment goes, i went through this before the engagement and after the engagement. i think its easier said than done to just say ‘stop feeling this way and just be happy youre engaged now’
but when youve been waiting several years (ive been with fi 5years now, waited 3 of those years) that kindof waiting can take an emotional toll and resentment can happen, so i sympathize with you. i think our situations couples counseling is a good idea. having an outside persepective helps.
thankfully im not on facebook much to notice things like engagement statuses but i can only imagine that adding salt to an open wound.
Post # 10
I think we all know how this feels. You think he has the ring, and you are going away soon, so just try and focus on visualing your future together. The happiness will come back!
Its so hard to be ahead of our boyfriends in terms of what we want out of life, but it doesnt mean they wont ask, and when they do, they mean it!!
Post # 11
Once again bees you’ve managed to lift my spirits and chill me out a bit – thank you!
@Mrs.SleepyKitty: Ring since November? I’d have turned the house upside down by now! I hope you get your soon too – sounds like you deserve it!
@txbella: Sorry to hear your story – I decided around October time to try and stop nagging (didn’t do too well) – but my SO is your sterotypical German who will only do things when he’s ready – so I knew I’d never be able to get results from a strict timeline. I hope you do manage to sort things out and feel better about the situation.
@Reign14: Thanks for your advice (and the previous attepmt that got deleted :)) – i’ve been trying so hard not to flip out – telling myself it’s only likely to be a few more days – but they have felt like years – I swear. I’ll listen to your advice and learn from your mistakes – thank you.
Post # 12
Trust me, once your proposal comes, you wont even remember feeling bitter. The feeling you have after it happens totally takes away all those feelings! You wont always feel like this. You’ll most likely be so excited that you wont think of it as a chore. I badgered and threw fits and was miserable…and then once he proposed, I didnt feel anything like I thought I would. I thought I’d be mad and pissed off and not want to celebrate, but I quickly forgot about all that.
Post # 13
@emmylouloubobells: i know what you mean. We habe spoken about getting married even started planning but no proposal as such. Admittedly I didn’t want a proper proposal as I would be embarrassed. But I feel like maybe he hasn’t bought the ring because he is not ready. It’s so hard this wedding talk has changed our rship so much 🙁
Post # 14
I was anxious and only had to wait a few months after initially talking about being engaged seriously. And that killed me! kudos to you for being as patient as you are. I would have probably been committed at this point. I dont do well with waiting in general (like ill pay an extra 30 dollars in shipping just to have my item delivered with next day shipping, thats how bad i am at waiting). its completely normal though to feel what youa re feeling. Also, the closer it got to actually being engaged (we had a strict timeline thing going on) the harder it got for time to pass. days felt like years. so thats normal I think too.