- 5 years ago
Hello fellow Bees,
I was reading up on the website for a long while and am now joining, finally, although for this post going anonymous. I have a situation on my hands, when I really need some outside advice/perspective. Basically this goes back a bit, but I will try to keep it down to Coles notes. Backstory is: my family immigrated here about 12 years ago, but we never really stuck in my community, my parents being loners, who are content with each other and do not need anyone else. I have a younger sister, who since day one did everything “correctly” (according to fam’s views/culture): finished uni, married at the age of 23 to a tall, handsome, older man with money and is now pregnant. Being Eastern European and turning 30 next year leaves my mother aghast as to whether I will doe alone, and she is praying that I will take the plunge.
In any case, compared to my sister I am quite disadvantaged, although I have no one else to blame, but myself. When in high school, being newcomers and all, we had to include ourselves into already existing cliques. She was fortunate enough to stick to people who were ambitious, all went to university, all ended up great (she has a friend who is a scientist, future doctor, lawyer, bevvy of accountants, etc.). Not sure how, I ended up with the “fun” group. Having lemming mentality at that point I ended up partying, falling for a guy who was wrong for me and pining after him for almost a decade (!) meanwhile doing a lot of stupid stuff to impress him. In any case, this group as far as I know are all in the crapper- no one finished university, few finished community college (nothing wrong with that, but not doing anything with a diploma after is), one couple is now divorced, because the husband cheated with the wife’s brother’s sister… etc. You get the picture. In any case, when I was 24 I got together with the guy I was obsessed with since I was 17 and realized how wrong he was for me – always losing jobs, taking money from his parents, never keeping his word, while promising the moon and the stars, and basically constantly putting me down about my appearance, my place in life, disclosing intimate details of our relationship to his friends for fun, etc. There were other issues with him and his family. It took 3 more years to finally realize I should just go – part of me wanted to work at it because I spent so much time loving him, part wanted a justification of chasing him for so long and a part just wanted a happy ending. The good news is that around the time I got together with him I finished college and had a string of life-changing experiences – a bad car crash, death in the family, abusive boss, etc. I decided to stop wasting my life. I am now working full time at another place (and love my job) and attending university at night, planning to get into law school. I also got a Pomeranian, to finally learn to stop placing my love squarely in one place. I lost weight by watching what I eat and having a rigorous gym routine. Following the breakup I initiated at the age of 27, I also stopped contact with my ex-friends, because the girls convinced me to stay with the guy saying I cannot do any better, and the guys all basically hit on me after the breakup. One was not even subtle basically asking me if I would be free for some explicit action. I kept contact with only one girl, who also fell out from the group around same time for similar reasons. In any case, when I started working at the place I am at now I met a guy who I really had chemistry with from the get go – while still dating my ex, I caught myself thinking of him and woke up at night sometimes having dreamt of him. The girlfriend I kept told me I should not start anything as he is too young – when I met him I was 27 and he 22, doing filing clerking at our firm and going to college. The girlfriend said that I could do better – I need someone older, with money, to take care of me (predominant opinion in our culture). Despite everything, following the breakup with ex I started dating him – just could not resist. He is great, very positive, kind, loving, with the strong sense of family – he basically raised his youngest brother, because his mother was sick for a while. So here we are. Recently this girlfriend and I went to a jewelry place she knows for her to look at the engagement rings – she wanted her bf of 6 years to propose. I saw the most wonderful ring there and could not resist to take a pic and send it to my bf. What ended up happening, is he actually went and put a downpayment on it and started making payments (!). His reasoning is that he would rather marry young, but to me, because he loves me so much, than wait and get someone “less perfect”. Seems great, but I am running in all kinds of issues. First, I am worried about money – I make enough right now, he makes about 40% less, but was recently given a raise at work and promised to be moved up the ladder out of filing. Plus on the side he is trying to get into policing. Also, he is trying to see about getting a second job, just so I am not concerned. My worry is that once I am in law school I most likely will not be able to work at all and my plan is to go next fall or the fall after. So I am worried about how will we live. Also, my mother is freaking out at how young he is and points out how my sister’s marriage is more ideal, etc. etc. However, she also points out how he is such a nice person, and with my personality I may not be able to find anyone better. A lot of acquaintances are chirping on me saying I will ruin his life, since he is young and should have fun, not tie himself down. Best reaction is from the remaining girlfriend. She basically told me that I deserve someone better, I am settling and should have dated around following my last relationship, because I am only with him because this guy treats me nicely, as opposed to my ex and even went so far as to tell me we look awful together, because he is too short (he is my height), too thin (medium build, so am I), and I look fat and old compared to him and 10 years from now I will really look ragged and he will find someone better. She also recently had issues with her boyfriend, as he needs more time to save for a 2 ct. engagement ring she wants and she was not happy that he is “not rich” and cannot just afford something like that, and started talking to people online and showing me all these pictures of really good-looking guys, who are “engineers”, “doctors” and saying that I could land myself someone like that. I feel like at our age that is a lot of drama.
At this point I am so plagued with insecurities, that we ended up breaking up several times and I am constantly stressed, skipping gym, eating junk, not wanting any sex with him and overall feeling awful. Whatever spark I had with him left and I am just thinking how difficult it will be and how my union, if it ever comes to be, will be judged. Coming from traditional eastern European background and working in a traditional Spanish firm I always hear how guys are supposed to be older/taller/richer than their ladies. I am torn. Maybe I am rushing into this, because I am expected to be married by a certain point and am tired to hear it from my mother, or maybe I did not date enough, or maybe I am just falling prey to other people’s opinions, in which case how do I stop. I feel I am only happy with him now when it is just him and me, no one else. I also feel I am not investing enough in this relationship (one example being that I do not spend enough time with his family and avoid them), because my last one went horribly on every level (I could tell you, but it is a separate post in itself). I know that when I do not think of all these issues, I am happy, but I cannot really live my life in a vacuum. And for once, I would love not to always look like a loser to others and now to have to defend my choices and who I am. It seems like I always had to fight for approval.