(Closed) Bees – I need your relationship advice

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

My gut is telling me something is up.

I’m sorry but there’s a difference between “hey I’m going out with the buddies” and not answering his phone because he’s with friends (and it’s rude to do that) but you know where he is, and “I’m going out” no word about when he’s going, when he’ll be back, what he’s done and he comes in when he likes.

a few DAYS of that nonsense? I’d be ready to break things. It’s disrespectful. You don’t need to know his every movement but your life is a communication, not a one sided argument

Post # 3
Member
1569 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Oh man, my blood is boiling for you. Leaving for hours and refusing to explain where he went is unacceptable to me, and it appears to be becoming a habit of his. I think you are right to have your guard up and it really seems like you’ve given him a number of chances.

 

I’m not one to tell you to break up, but if he can’t have a conversation about this and explain his behavior I would be looking into that apartment too.

Post # 4
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Definitely very shady behavior, and combined with his shitty communication and the other issues you mention in your post, I don’t blame you for viewing this as the last straw. You’ve been together for a long time–5 yrs–and yet it sounds like your relationship has had some issues for quite awhile that you have never succeeded in working through together (you say you’re good for long stretches of time, but then something majorly bad occurs). His refusal to go to counseling is another red flag.

Tangent: I was in a relationship like that before and eventually reached my last straw as well. It was something that seemed really minor to outsiders: in a nutshell, my ex told me to come over at a given time, so I arranged my whole day around that, and then when I texted that I was on my way over (a 2 hour train ride from where I had been earlier in the day), he replies, “actually why don’t you go over to [mutual friend’s] house instead, I gotta do some work.” And like that, I was fucking done. Years of bullshit like this, him having no regard for my time, taking me for granted, etc., just boiled over, and I was out. 

It sounds like you’re in a similar place now. To an outsider, your boyfriend staying out til 10 pm without telling you what he’s doing may not seem like the end of the world, but it sounds like this is just the latest way he has disrespected you in a long history, and that you are more or less done with it. Good luck bee….you know in your gut what to do, now you just have to go through with it.

Post # 5
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Shady as fuck.

Something is up for sure and it could be variety of things. Honest conversation is needed. Hard to guess.

Post # 6
Member
10487 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Agree, something is not right and this sure as hell ain’t normal. Your SO doesn’t communicate with you what so ever and thats a huge problem. How frequent is this? Does he ever give an explanation about where he is?

Post # 7
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee

He is being very disrespectful.  And very shady.  My Fiance used to do things like this years back.  He would think it was okay to not give me direct answers on where he was and when he would be home.  I wanted these answers not because I am a psycho but because I am concerned and I am a priority.  Hanging up on me and not answering is a no-no.  I ended up dumping his ass and he learned real quick.

Now he communicates.

I suggest you sit him down, very, very calmly and confidently and say something along the lines of:

“I do not call you to inquire where you are and when you will be home to upset you, I do it because I am your live in girlfriend of several years and I am worthy of a respectful answer.  You’re evading my questions and being rude.  You can either respect me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated, which means communicating with me correctly, or you can get the fuck out of the house and I will find someone who treats me correctly.  Your choice.”  And walk away.

Post # 8
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. He is being very disrespectful to you and very shady.

Losing track of time while out with friends, then apologizing later and explaining that you just lost track of time? That’s fine, not a big deal. That happened once with my Fiance, when I texted asking him where he was (it was 10:30 and he went to dinner at 6), he immediately texted back saying he lost track of time, they were getting the check now and he’d be home soon. Then he apologized when he got home, and since then it hasn’t happened again.

When you are living with someone, sharing your life with them, you should be able to know where they are and what they are doing if you want to know. Even if you trust them. There’s no reason not to say, “Hey, I’m going out with such-and-such friend at such-and-such bar, we’re meeting at 8 so I’ll be out pretty late.” Or, “I won’t be home for dinner because I’m catching up with so-and-so, we’re going to have dinner.” That’s normal. Maybe not all people want to know where their SO is at all times, but they have the right to know, if you’re supposed to be sharing your lives together (which I believe living with each other implies that, even if you aren’t engaged or married).

But to refuse to tell you where he is, and then get mad at you about it? That is so not okay. I would be out. I would not be living with someone who refuses to even tell me where he’s going and what he’s doing.

Post # 9
Member
5081 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

Nope, that shit wouldn’t fly with me. Call me controlling, but if I live with someone and they are leaving the house at night, I want to know where they are going and about when they plan on coming home. And hanging up/refusing to answer calls is a major no-no for me.

I had an ex that would disappear like that and like 

View original reply
tiffanybruiser‘s story, it was the last straw for me as well. We had standing friday night plans, but one friday, my ex completely ignored all my calls/texts and didn’t respond until Saturday afternoon saying sorry but he was really stressed with work and couldn’t do anything. Fine, but at least have the common courtesy to tell me that instead of having me worrying all day and wondering if we were still doing something. I ignored him on Saturday and I broke up with him on Sunday. 

Do what you gotta do. You deserve to be with someone who respects you.

Post # 10
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee

He sounds really selfish and something is definitely “off” – my Fiance would NEVER just stay out late and not tell me exactly where he is and who he’s with. The whole thing is just completely disrespectful like he doesn’t even give a sh!t about you. You deserve way better bee, the fact that he also refused counselling would be enough for me to end it. I don’t think he thinks he’s doing anything wrong and therefore will never change his behaviour. 

Post # 11
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee

Agree, it’s not hard to tell your partner that you’re going to hang out with friends, or that you need some time to yourself and you’ll be out and about for a few hours. His refusal to communicate with you is weird.

Post # 12
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

Being frustrated for spending little time because of work related reasons shouldn’t be an excuse for his poor behavior. My husband leaves at 6:30am and returns at 9:00 pm. Some Saturdays or Sundays he also has to work. At home he is tired and might not be up for many thing all the time (movies, dinner out, ahem..etc). Yet, I don’t behave like your guy mistreating him and bailing on him. I understand the situation and try to make the most of the time we have together 🙂 

Post # 13
Member
3324 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Not ok at all. He is acting really immature and shady.

Post # 14
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

No, fuck that. Something shady is going on, excuse my language. How hard is it to text you or call you to let you know what is going on? You haven’t heard from him in a few days? I would be boiling. You aren’t overreacting, he’s being selfish and blatantly disrespectful. 

Post # 15
Member
2990 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

You are within your rights to ask your partner where he is going and when you can expect him to return. Usually, your partner would just let you know and keep you in the loop, as this is common courtesy. 

His behavior seems suspicious to me. :-/

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