(Closed) Bees – I need your relationship advice

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 62
Member
9729 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

FWIW, I really don’t think any of this is your fault per say. I do think he’s gaslighting you by turning it around on you and making you feel like “Well, maybe if I wouldn’t have done X we wouldn’t be in this position.”

He is out of line and manipulating you into feeling like you’re in the wrong in some way. If it were me i’d cut my losses.

Post # 63
Member
3062 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

slomotion:  +1

I really hope you’ll make your move date OP. I think you know what to do but it’s just making that big leap to do it. It won’t be easy but, in the long run, there’s a much healthier way of life waiting for you. Best of luck!

Post # 64
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

sortawaitingbee:  All I will say is that trust is not a basic human right; it is a privilege. Your SO lost your trust due to some shady shit with his friend or whatever several years ago. The onus to rebuild trust is on HIM, not on you. The fact that he is blaming YOU for not trusting HIM, when he stubbornly refuses to do something so basic as telling you where he is during a weird absence, tells me all I need to know about this guy. If he really cared about restoring your trust, he would be EAGER to explain where he is when he senses the slightest bit of concern on your part. Instead he pulls back and gas-lights you.

This is so bad…..please listen to the chorus of unbiased bees. Don’t let him call your bluff. Move to your new apartment. Find a relationship that is good ALL the time, as opposed to being super amazing between periods of utter agony. 

Post # 66
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

sortawaitingbee:  So glad you’re moving on and your doing in such a positive manner, focusing on you for the next 6 months.  That part about the hot dog…really!!!??? I was mad for you! You are in a better place and kudos for you for leaving him!!!

Thanks for the update!

Post # 68
Member
307 posts
Helper bee

Good for you for making a decision and sticking to it.  As far as your thoughts of “maybe I was in the wrong”, I think if this was a one time occurrence that would be a fair question, but this has happened over, and over, and over.  After addressing it on MULTIPLE occassions and the behavior continued, (and you sound totally level-headed, fair, and smart), this guy is just power-tripping.  

Regardless of who is “right and wrong”, I personally feel that 5 years is plenty of time to work out the kinks.  Having been in a relationship for this long and he still won’t vocalize how he feels on the spot if you bring something up, and avoids confrontation because “you seem mad”, you two just don’t work.  

I just wanted to provide some reassurance for your decisions.  It’s never easy to leave a relationship, and this is coming from someone who also has stayed past the expiration dates and sucked every last drop of hope from my previous relationships.  I always wish I would have just had enough trust in myself and confidence to end it point-blank and not ruminate.

Kudos lady!  Onto bigger and better things, (and an awesome new place + shorter commute!)

Post # 69
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

To the OP: 

You’ve made a decision- which is great! 

Now i – in the kindest way possible- suggest you seek some councilling, both for the trust issues grown from this relationship which will linger with you, for your reactivness/ situation with control, and for your self-esteem.

Don’t be hard on yourself, but do critically evaluate yourself, kindly. We can only ever be responsible for our own behaviour, not for anyone else’s. 

 

I say this kindly from a place of understanding- do consider investing time  and energy into healing yourself. I think you both had roles to play in your toxic relationship in different capacities. At least you can move forward with healing now. Good luck! 

Post # 70
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I am so proud of you, great decision!  I would have lost my mind at the hot dog comment, I honestly would have taken the hot dog out of his hand and thrown it out the door  or on the floor and stomped on it lol

Post # 74
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

Wishing you good luck. It’s never easy to leave but I bet in just a few weeks you will be wishing you left sooner. 

Post # 75
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

sortawaitingbee:  

Good work!! 

Re. ‘Picking a better mate’: we get back what we put out there In the world.  No- I don’t mean you’ve been in the same league as your scummy ex fella, but I do mean that once you respect and love yourself, others will too, so the ‘better mate’ will come along when you’ve done some more self-healing 😀

And yes- it takes a lot of hard work to polish a turd of a relationship. A turd is still a turd, no matter how many diamonds you put on it. 

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