(Closed) Feeling sorry for myself–maybe I'll be waiting forever

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Grieving is horrible, and it doesn’t take very much to become overwhelmed with emotions.

 

I do not think that waiting, no matter how long, means that the other person doesn’t love you “enough,” I’m sure he loved you, but probably felt different about engagement or marriage than you did, be it time to do so, the decision to ever do so, etc. If you are not together, it hurts, but opens up the opportunity to be with someone who is on the same page. 

There are many opportunities for love, and millions of people who you are compatible with. You will have someone who loves you again, it’ll just take some time to get to a place where you are open to that again. For now, work on healing, trying to be positive, and letting the feelings ebb and flow. A journal might help, so might a new hobby, a new book series, whatever you are into. It may be hard for now, loss is hard — but eventually that feeling of loss settles and you’ll be able to breathe easier. 

I hope you feel better!

Post # 5
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Oh, in that case…no matter what, he was still a part of your life, and anything can rehash those memories — good or bad. It’s good that you’re glad you didn’t marry him, but I think being upset is more just being upset for the old you — you’re not crying for who you are now, but perhaps the memories you made and who you once were.

Sometimes I feel the same way with my SO. We’ve been together 5 years, and although we’re getting married next year, there is a little piece of me that wonders if it’ll happen. Paranoia, not thinking I deserve to…I don’t know what it is, but it lurks. Perhaps you feel this way because you’ve gone so long without having made it “official”and that it wouldn’t be odd or surprising if you just continued on as things are even though you want. Have you talked to him about engagement or marriage? It seems like a good length of time to start putting a timeframe on when you want it to happen. 

Life doesn’t happen to you, you make life happen! Make this marriage thing happen if that’s what you want!

Post # 6
Member
1404 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@DrMrsCol:   Have you and your SO discussed getting engaged/married? If not, maybe it’s a good time to have that conversation. Either way, it sounds like you need to speak with him and let him know how you feel.

Post # 7
Member
242 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry to hear you are feeling blue. I don’t know if this helps but I know how you feel. I’m in the same boat, waiting and wondering if it will happen soon like he says. Sometimes I feel it will never happen at times and that maybe I’m not good enough either. A couple of things to do is to have a talk with him about how important getting engaged is to you and ask him when he might be ready for that. Then decide how long you are willing to wait and stick around for the engagement.

Big hugs.

Post # 9
Member
242 posts
Helper bee

@DrMrsCol:  

Have you thought about giving yourself a timeline as to how long you are willing to wait for engagement before maybe walking away and trying to move on?  I know that’s a huge decision, scary and sad, but it sounds like you really value marriage. Would you be ok staying with him if he didn’t ask?

In my situation I have given myself a silent timeline. I do hope I stick to it, but it’s going to take lots of courage since I really love my SO and see him as a good fit for me. I have been dating my SO for 15 months which is not long for most, but I was ready at 7 months into it and we are older and both want kids so there is really hardly any time left for that for me so I have to give him that nudge if that’s what I want to happen. I’m hoping that nudge won’t backfire, but if it does, then maybe he was never meant to be the one for me. But I’m trying to just keep my cool, give him some time to ask me without pressuring and pushing so much like I have been and hoping that it happens within my timeline. It’s a really tough situation to be in. It takes an extreme amount of patience and self control. I know what you mean about being an independent, educated woman but crying over having to wait and wondering if he will ever ask you. I feel the same way.

Post # 10
Hostess
3381 posts
Sugar bee

@DrMrsCol:  I feel exactly the same recently, like we’re moving further and further away from marriage.  But it will happen, it’s just a matter of when. Big hugs!

Post # 11
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

What explanation has your SO given you? Is he divorced? I would thnk a man 27 years older than you should be able to know after a few years if he wants marriage or not.

Post # 12
Member
432 posts
Helper bee

Im so sorry you are going thru all of this frustration, it sounds like you truly love your SO, but I think you should seriously think about your own timeline, if you want to have children at some point and your SO is older than you then you need to know what is going on, you have waited a long time and you shouldn’t need to wait any longer, you are clearly a very strong, intelligent and accomplished woman, I would totally put a ring on it asap!

I wouldn’t usually suggest and ultimatum but I think this situation requires one, as harsh as that may sound you deserve to have everything you want in life including the man you love.

I wish you all the luck and I hope that your SO makes it official for you and you can start planning your future :] x

Post # 13
Member
3723 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Hon, I’ve been following your posts over the last several months. I think I empathize a lot with you because I’m a grad student in the health sciences and many of my friends just graduated med school and started their intern year.

You truly seem like a smart, level-headed woman. You’re a great catch. You deserve to be with someone who will not hesitate to be with you and to commit to you. With that being said, I just want to put things in perspective for you.

You’ve been together for over seven years. He’s been giving you the run-around on buying your ring. I think in a previous post you said that you already have your wedding dress and it’s hanging in your closet? Obviously the two of you have been discussing marriage for quite some time. If he’s still pulling your chain at this point, it may be time to move on. Especially because….

He is 27 years older than you. He’s already been married and had a family years before. He’s old enough to understand what marriage means and to decide if he wants to do it again. The fact that he’s constantly delaying the timeline he’s set for your engagement is worrisome. I understand that we can’t help who we fall in love with, but you want children. You’re worried about being considered advanced maternal age above the age of 33 — what about your partner? Fathering a child at 60 doesn’t seem responsible to any party involved.

I know this is absolutely none of my business (except for the fact that you’ve posted all of this on a public message board), and I thought it over for the last 12 hours whether I should post anything or not. I just think you’re selling yourself short right now. It’s time for him to put up or shut up, but I think it’s also time for you to make sure that this is the kind of relationship that you really want. You have a bright career and your whole life ahead of you. You have plenty of time for children. I don’t want anyone to ever have to compromise on something like that when it’s obviously so important to you.

Post # 14
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think it’s important for you to realize that you are the master of your own destiny. After seven years I don’t think it’s asking too much for you to sit down with your partner and decide together if you guys are getting engaged, when it wil lhappen, and how long until the wedding.Don’t leave all these choices up to him and keep having circular discussions about it that lead to nothing.Good luck, oh and throw away that old mix!! Make a fun playlist to listen to instead!

 

Post # 16
Member
2026 posts
Buzzing bee

Ugh! You and me both girl! I can’t tell you how many people I casually dated in high school that are now married. Crap, one of them is even going through a divorce and he STILL says it was one of the greatest days of his life.

The topic ‘Feeling sorry for myself–maybe I'll be waiting forever’ is closed to new replies.

Get our weekly roundup of the best of Weddingbee.
I agree to receive emails from the site. I can withdraw my consent at any time by unsubscribing.

Find Amazing Vendors