- 3 years ago
Hi there!.. I posted a silmilar post last week but I was kinda beating around the bush so I figured I would ask again.. it will be long but please.. bear with me..
Breach of trust: So very early in our relationship.. (mu guy is 24 I am 23), I was excited to be dating my guy and I got a tad bit hung up on making it FB official (petty I know..).. he was hesitant to change it at first.. and it made me feel insecure like he was hiding me.. etc etc.. he insisted it wasn’t that.. and a couple months in he made it FB official.. except the way he did it was in a setting that only me and my sisters could see it.. no one else..
I found out about it because while having lunch with his mom, she tried to look at it and she couldn’t find it.. I came to realize his settings were customized and that he had lied to me about it.. I casually asked him.. he denied it.. then I told him about what happened with his mom (at this point I was getting mad.. ) and he confessed.. like a child he tried to get defensive at first but ended up apologizing. I told him how it really hurt.. not becuase it’s FB.. but becuase he would make such a fool out of me.. and even his mom knew.. and i just felt like a FOOL!
Since then, we took it off FB.. and he didn’t change it again (for real this time.) until about 6 months in our relationship. Looking back I can see his logic to waiting a little bit before making it official.. I see couples all the time going from in a relationship to single within weeks and it’s silly.. but I think the way he went about it was wrong..
We’ve had long talks about how honesty is very important to me even if it hurts… that is probably the one time I can think of that I felt lied to by him and hurt.. he HAS been a better boyfriend since.. but every now and then I get nervous.. or hesitant.. and I am still working on fully trusting him.. work in progress (weve been dating about a year and 3 months now)
Current issue: I have a memory from early in our relationship back when we shared stuff about past relationships etc.. that I asked him whether he had ever cheated on anyone before.. (It’s basically in my personality to ask people things.. not just in dating but in general.. )
I remember him saying yes.. and looking remorseful.. I remember feeling like my heart sunk as I wasn’t expecting that.. and from waht I remember the way he cheated was by kissing someone (I think at a bar??).. I vaguely remember asking him why he did it, and I believe he said it seemed “exciting” or something like that.. but he seemed to regret it..
This would’ve been when he was with his ex-gf of 5 years… He also shared with me about two one night stands he had during a break with her (but I can’t recall when he told me this, I just know he told me)..
Now: I brought this up in a convo last week (don’t even remember why but not during a fight..), he told me he doesn’t remember having this conversation or even having cheated before.. that he has told me about all his past flings.. etc and that that isn’t one of them..
I assured him he doesn’t have to hide it, since technically the truth is out.. why deny it? but he insists he didn’t.. he brought up the two one night stands.. and says there wasn’t any more.. and doesn’t remember kissing anyone at a bar.. or doing anything like that while with his ex..
So I dropped it for that day.. thinking oh well.. but then it kept bugging me that I had a memory of it and he didn’t.. so I brought it up again..
The 2nd/3rd time I brought it up he got frustrated with me.. and I felt bad.. so I dropped it again.. he felt like I was implying he would cheat on me..
But since this thought kept nagging at me for days I brought it up AGAIN!, this time telling him upfront. I wasn’t trying to fight.. just needed to vent and that I dno’t THINK he’s going to do that to me.. but it bugs me that I recall it and he doesn’t..
This time he wasn’t mad but was pretty patient and understanding listening to me vent.. but once again insisted he didn’t do it..
CLUES: To be honest.. he does have a bad memory sometimes.. there have been times I recall soemthing and he doesn’t until I warm up the memory for him and then it comes to him.. we even did a thing yesterday where I asked him to tell me about a memory he has and see if I remember it.. I remembered everything.. he didn’t… (and this has been like that for a while even before i brought it up)
Which doesn’t give me confidence that he would remember..
At this point I am not even sure he is lying.. but maybe doesn’t remember.. but how can you forget if you cheated??…
The reason I can’t drop it isn’t because he cheated on his ex.. but because I want to make sure he isn’t lying to ME about it..
1. I either think he trully doesn’t remember, and it DID happen.. but he isn’t lying about not remembering.. or “not doing it”…
2. Or maybe he is lying, to not upset me.. thinking “why put this on her mind and worry her, when I don’t plan on doing that again and it was a one time mistake”
3. I am crazy and my memory is playing tricks on me…
This memory gets a bit blurrier the harder I try to remember, I get nervous I will start filling in the blanks with stuff I make up…
I just don’t want to be that girl that buys a lie like that.. but also don’t want to push it (if he is being honest) and push him away…
I understand people make mistakes, but he could at least tell me the truth.. He knows this has been driving me insane for days now and I have even told him someitms I wish he HAD done it and just told me “yes I kissed someone while with my ex” so I could just not feel so crazy for having a memory of something that didn’t happen!!
Him and I are currently okay, we aren’t fighting about it and the last few times I brought it up, he just listened to me like a friend venting.. and always at the end tells me “I have told you everhting i know, you have nothing to worry about…” and a few times he’s gone back and tried to think of even all the people he has kissed.. and it always ends up being his ex and the two flings…
Bees, I don’t want to ruin my relationship over this, but I find it hard to drop something like this, I have told him I would rather him be honest now.. if we are trying to be open and honest.. and worry he is maybe hiding it from me to not worry me, but its making me insane and he knows it so I would like to think that he wouldve confessed by now if he saw how carzy it is driving me.. (and him probably too)..
I try to get busy get my mind off of it, but when I am shoering, or in the bathroom, or just on my own.. my mind speaks up and I tried debating with myself, talking myself out of it and it just keeps coming back like “well.. what if he just doesn’t want you to know.. how dare he see you in such agony going crazy and not just tell you put u out of your misery?”… or “maybe it happened an dhe just doesnt remeber etc etc”
Him cheating on his ex wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me, IF HE REGRETS IT, and he knows that.. but him lying to me again would really hurt.. idk what to do!! I’ve todl him about 4 times now “okay.. you can tell me.. neutral ground.. anything you have to confess and go forward clean” and nothing.. blah!
okay vent over.. if you guys read this thank you so much! any advice would really help.. or maybe similar stories if there are any! This was a touchy subject last weeka and I cried a lot (feeling liek I was losing it).. now it’s not as sad.. but just annoying that the thought wont leave my head! I wan’t it gone so I can move forward.. but it’s so “unsolved” it bugs me..
PS. my best friend also vaguely rememberes me telling her something about him kissing someone, but doesn’t remember me using the words “cheating” or when I told her or why I told her…
So either I told her a long time ago.. (when I had already made up the memory),
or i don’t know! I can’t recall telling her, or why since I don’t usually vent to her too much about my stuff.. so that made me even more confused.. haha
- This topic was modified 3 years ago by willow_1960. Reason: Added stuff!